Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Not-So-Welcome Holiday Surprise

Maybe I'm slow to learn, but for some reason every time we have an issue come up with a foster cat, I'm surprised. What with Willow's surprise pregnancy, Otto's sudden death, Louie's fast and furious illness, and Monty the cave dweller, it should probably come as no surprise when an issue - large or small - pops up.

Since my last "cat post", we managed to get in touch with another foster family who had a little energetic kitten that wasn't really a match with the older, more laid back cats in the home. After much discussion we figured that Monty might be a better fit in their place, and the kitten a better fit in ours. The trade went off without a hitch, and Marve and the kitten, Kohl, began to play and play and play and play immediately. They love each other.

BFFs

Monty seems to be doing a little better in his new place too, so the switch all around seemed like the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, after a couple of days, the spots on Kohl's face that we thought were just scratches from another cat he may have pissed off turned into a huge round bare crusty patch. We suspect ringworm, a common and highly contagious (to humans AND other cats) fungus that takes many weeks to months to clear. Since we had finally, after much issue concerning health records etc, arranged for them both to go to a cat hotel for the few days we plan to be out of town visiting Rob's family, this was really stressful. We obviously can't bring a cat covered in infectious skin disease to a busy cat hotel.

I've had a few days to get used to the whole thing, and we've been treating the patches (there are now three) with cream. We've managed to arrange for Kohl to go to a vet for the time we're away to be assessed and taken care of (we assume it's ringworm but they will find out for sure). Marve will go to the cat hotel on his own. Poor guys - I hope they're not lonely without each other.

The next few days will be fun and challenging as we and the rest of Rob's siblings cram into the parents' place for some post-Christmas cheer. Here's hoping all goes smoothly. I start school with a bang when I get back - a 12-hour night shift on the L&D floor at the hospital. I've been told my preceptor is very nice... I'm straight-up nervous for this one so it will be good to get it started!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Reflections...

I'm doing some reflection on friendship tonight. I've recently had a friend "break up" with me because of the belief that I disappointed and let her down beyond repair. She made this decision without any communication with me to ensure we are on the same page or that she has the right story. This person was a huge part of my community back home - a building block... family. I feel a little lost at the moment. Half of me feels tremendous guilt and sorrow for letting her down. The other half of me feels that friendship, in my mind, means communication, love, support and honesty. She has given me none of those things and I am battling some disappointment and anger of my own. It is hard for me to imagine a situation in which I would let someone as important to me as she was go without a fight. Maybe I wasn't as important to her.

My mind is going in so many directions with this. Not the least of which is wondering what effect it will have (or may have already had) on my community in Winnipeg. What will be there for me if we choose to go back? I'm not sure how to navigate a situation this icky. I feel a little too grown up for this. For the past three years I have been totally invested in working towards a career that, to me, requires maturity, intelligence, compassion and an open heart. I don't know where this kind of poison fits into all that. I also think that once I reached a certain age and place in life, I thought I was past certain things. Perhaps I am as upset as I am largely due to the element of surprise.

Are my ideas of friendship so naive? Maybe the key is to have friends who aren't too close so that you can't disappoint them? This is not the first time I've had a friend say that their expectations of me were higher than their expectations of others, and that I failed. I wonder how I manage to attract expectations so high. Anyway, I don't want to build walls - I crave close friendships. I am often envious of people who have strong connections with childhood friends, or a "group" of friends they share everything with. I know many people like this, but have only fleetingly experienced it. There are numerous depictions on television. I wish I had friends like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda to be brutally honest with me. And why don't I have friends like Rachel and Monica living across the hall? Would it help if we had a hall? Perhaps we simply moved into the wrong building.

Perhaps it's just another sign that Winnipeg is no longer "home". The contemplation of "home" is another major topic on my mind these days. Home is pretty up in the air for me these days. The lottery for our final year placement has brought this close to the surface again. I am trying not to be attached to this apartment in case we need to move again. But focusing on the pitfalls of the place - the lack of heating, the expensive utilities, the noise from the neighbours... just depresses me. No, I'm going to have to continue to let my meaning of "home" evolve, and take things one day at a time. And maybe Winnipeg can always be home in my heart regardless of friend drama.

I guess only time will tell.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Anti-climax

All I ever talk about is cats.

I think it's because cats provide a cute, fuzzy distraction from the growing pains inflicted by the MEP. I am currently doing 5 assignments and studying for Wednesday's exam... and by that I mean I am watching my cats.

The truth is, I am not at all sure about this new foster cat, Monty. He has been here for four days, so I know it's too early to tell - but so far he rarely emerges from under the bed and when he does he really, really dislikes Marve. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, the lottery information came out this week... it's always a little anti-climactic because we wait so long to see what our choices will be, and then suddenly there they are and it's kind of just what you expected and the actual lottery isn't run for another month and there is still ages before we'll know where we'll be next year. I'm feeling happy they've split Toronto up into four regions (it used to be all one). Since we have to submit four choices, that means I can submit all Toronto and not have to come up with creative ideas on how we can move away without having Rob drop out of school... of course there is always the possibility that I will "fall out" of the lottery like last year, end up with none of my choices and have to pick from the scraps.... but we're not going to think about that.

So right now I simply need to focus on memorizing protocols and guidelines, textbooks and manuals. No big deal!

Winnipeg has been in a deep freeze this past week and I am ever-happy to be away from it. I'm uncomfortable here and it's only -10ish... I miss the prairies, but I am not sure how I can go back to that. And so the eternal debate on where we'll end up continues...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Winter...

It's officially December. Many of us are only just past halfway done the web course, so we're scrambling to finish and study for the exam next Wednesday... it doesn't seem possible, but we have to try!

We had class yesterday morning, and discussed things like the lottery (first we were told to expect news on November 30th, then December 4th, then December 8th... and then our tutor told us even December 8th - today - is unlikely so we shouldn't hold our breath...), next semester, and the exam. By the time class was over I just felt overwhelmed. Rob made me do yoga and have a shower to calm down (it worked)! I really need to take it just one day at a time...

On Saturday our friends from Guelph came up to visit - we made dinner and watched christmas movies. Good times. The next day we went out for breakfast (I have dreams about the BLAT at Nirvana) and then shopping for presents. The family pulled names to see who we would buy for this year. One of the family members we got is somewhat hard to buy for. We bought her a necklace after much deliberation, but now I don't think I like it. I might take it back. The truth is, we may not really figure presents out until after exams - and cards are unlikely to happen this year. Siigh.

Anyway, after we returned home and our friends were on the bus back to Guelph, we received a phone call from a guy and his girlfriend wanting to come and meet Wally. The guy sounded a little strange on the phone and I got nervous about letting Wally go. He had really become our little "bug"; our little "meatball"... well when these two arrived, I could see that they were very excited about Wally. They loved him, and didn't mind his little quirks in the least - and clearly were going to provide him with a pretty pampered life. They decided to take him home right then and there! I admit I called about two hours after they left to see how Wally was settling in... and they said he was doing great. He had been bold enough to explore the entire place - coming up to them every few minutes with little purrs and headbutts, and had slept on a chair between them while they ate their supper. Oh Wally! The guy said he would be happy to call me every now and then with updates... I really hope he does.

We are to pick up our new foster cat, Monty, today from Beth. I had been a little nervous about how Marve would react to his "little brother" disappearing... and honestly, I'm amazed! He has taken it all in stride. He is still sleeping (mostly) through the night, and even sleeps on our bed or on the chair in our room. He's been affectionate and ... well, just easy! Monty is a 3 year old guy - a big difference from the "teenagers" we've had with Louie and Wally. I hope Marve is okay with an "older" guy - and I hope Monty is okay with Marve! In all honesty... I'm a bit nervous to see how an older cat adjusts. Apparently he has lived in a cage for two whole months... poor guy. I can't wait to meet him.

The days are cold and dark and short lately. I'm way more tired than I was even just a month ago - its amazing how our bodies respond to the seasons! Still, I'm so happy to live in a place where winter doesn't start until December...

Right-o... back to the grind.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Seven-O and Go

The paper got done - and while I'm not proud of it, I can't help but hear the words of a recent midwifery-grad echoing in my head...: "7-0 and go!" She maintained that the only way to get through the MEP was to believe in this refrain and be happy with a passing grade rather than my ideal grade. Hmm. Not my usual motto, but I'm starting to see her point.

I had a sudden realization this week that next week is December - our final exam is on December 16, and I'm less than halfway done my coursework for the fall semester. I have a lot of work to do, and fast! In the meantime, I'm holding my breath for the release of the 4th year lottery placement choices. I want to get that show on the road so I know where I'm placed for next year. Will Rob and I have to move again? Half of me feels that, karmically, because I had such bad luck in the last lottery, I am due to get my first choice this time. I can't get screwed both times, right? But the other half of me knows all too well how it feels to receive an email stating that I didn't get any of my choices... and how real that possibility is. I just have to trust it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to...

The potential adopter for Wally called me the day after my last post to let me know they had fallen in love with another cat. It hurt a little bit! But I understood. Then he said that they had had a really good time with us and maybe sometime we'd want to go for a drink with them? I said "for sure!" and so we're hoping to do that this upcoming week. So that's fun.

This week we've had friends from Winnipeg staying with us and it's been great. We went to see Edward Sharpe - a show I never would have gone to otherwise and it was awesome. Totally wild - I had no idea what to expect... which made the fact that it was totally surreal all the better. They're weird. The whole thing had a distinctly cultish vibe.... iinteresting. We had so much fun.

We also went to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox - it's great. So so great. Go see it.

Yesterday a midwifery bud came over and we ranted about placements and coursework and our papers. We ate an entire batch of cookies and drank a pot of coffee and three pots of tea. It was therapeutic.

So we've been busy. And I've been happy. But I probably need to do some homework if I want to pass... and I do!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Everything and Nothing

The other night, the guy and his roommate came by to meet Wally. They didn't bring a cat carrier - they weren't planning to adopt that night, they just wanted to meet him. They were meeting a few cats and still had to make a decision and buy supplies before they could adopt. They were really cool and interesting, and they ended up hanging out for nearly two hours just chatting with us. It was an unexpected and fun evening. When they left I felt certain I'd hear from them about wanting to adopt Wally... however, I haven't heard from them yet. So maybe they fell in love with someone else. Wally was kind of tired that evening and not his super-cute normal self. Oh well - more time with him for us!

It's funny how we can go weeks and weeks without any plans, and then everything happens on the same night. Tonight our friends from Guelph are in town to hang out with some of their friends, and have invited us out. Also my girly book club meets tonight. And the potential cat adopters mentioned where they'd be tonight if we wanted to drop by.

I also have a paper due at midnight tonight, and do you think I'm working on it? No, I'm writing a blog. I have a serious procrastination problem... but this is nothing new. In any case, I'm really enjoying my day. Tea, music, cats, and internet at home for the first time in three days.

I'm half wondering if we're going to end up staying in tonight, as we tend to do. Maybe, if I'm still paper-writing, Rob will go out without me. He deserves it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Art of Letting Go...

To update from my last post... sadly, our beloved little Louie passed away at the vets the very day after I wrote. It was hard. I wished we had just kept him home with us if he couldn't be helped. I feel guilty and awful that he died alone, in isolation, in the basement at the vet clinic. I hope he knows he was loved.

While I was in Winnipeg, Beth rescued Walker (Wally) for us. Rob went and picked him up, and took care of him for two weeks before I got home. He kept him and Marve separate for a week, then slowly integrated them. I'm so proud of my "not-a-cat-person" husband! Wally had gone into the shelter a stray - skinny, flea-bitten, almost fur-less and covered in scabs. He lived there for far too long before he was rescued.

Wally before

I came home from Winnipeg to a brand new Wally! He has filled out, grown, his fur is growing in fluffy and soft and he plays ALL the time. He is so sweet and funny. He sleeps on the bed at night, and has even got Marve doing the same. Marve wakes us up a little less often during the night. Overall, we've got a good thing going.

However, yesterday the reality of fostering kicked in when we received a phone call from a guy who saw Wally's photo and bio (which had only gone up two days before), and wants to come over to meet him. He is coming tonight with his roommate. Rob and I are working on being okay with the possibility that he may not be with us beyond tonight. We love him so much already... but we know that if we adopt him we won't be able to continue fostering (my allergies can't handle more than two right now). And fostering is really important to us. So we have to let go.

Wally now

I had a good experience in Winnipeg. A month got a little long to be away from home, but the prairie air gave me so much energy and motivation. I walked everywhere. We had a real, full-blown fall so I didn't miss out after all. I spent time with people who make me happy. I had a gorgeous room in my friends' gorgeous house to live and study in. And the placement was challenging, but really rewarding. I had to fight to make it a good experience a little bit, since none of the doctors or NPs had ever had a midwifery student before, and weren't sure what to do with me. But we made it work, and by the end I felt I had improved visibly in some basic clinical skills. I was so impressed with the clinic itself. If we ever were to end up back in the 'Peg, I would be honoured to work there.

Since being home from Winnipeg, I have done nothing but sit. I sit in pyjamas and stare at the tv, stare at the cats, stare out the windows. I have tried to do homework, but despite my previous resolve to do nothing but for the rest of the term, I can't bring myself to do it. And I feel like a broken record for saying this all again. Still. Why is it so hard to find motivation?

Today we lost our (borrowed) internet connection, so I packed up my stuff and hiked down to the library. So here I am. Ready to write a paper. Procrastinating, maybe just a little. But it's about to happen.



Thursday, October 8, 2009

An Unfortunate Lesson in Multi-Tasking

There is no longer any denying it is autumn as the temperature falls and the leaves begin to turn. Definitely one of my top 5 favourite things about Ontario is the long and beautiful autumn, something I didn't even know I was missing back in Winnipeg!

I have one more shift in the NICU before I move on to my second placement of the year. The NICU has been wonderful, and I think it serves as an important addition to the MEP that we spend some time there. I am more comfortable with babies, I can recognize numerous risk factors/abnormal signs, I have more experience helping moms with breastfeeding, I have built important relationships with the nurses, and I have been exposed to a lot of NRP. I feel ready to move on. Next stop is the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg.

The truth is, this placement in Winnipeg was once really exciting but as it creeps up on us I'm looking forward to it a little bit less. The placement itself should prove to be really valuable and I'm certain it will be a good experience. It's really just timing. First of all, it means I'm going to miss the best parts of autumn in Ontario. But more importantly, there's stuff going on at home that I don't really want to leave right now. We got our foster cat last Friday and he is a gorgeous and adorable 16-week old named Louie. For one whole day he was playful, affectionate and happy. Then he started sleeping... and sleeping... and sleeping... and sneezing... etc. It seemed like it would pass and we were looking forward to getting on with introducing him and Marve. Then he stopped eating and drinking. He was really lethargic and spacey. We started to force feed him with a syringe... but he was having none of it. Yesterday we brought him to the vet, who confirmed he was dehydrated and needed an IV and an overnight. I called this morning expecting news of Louie being on his way to better and a time we could go pick him up. Sadly, that was not the news I got. He is not better, and is impossible to force feed. They wanted to insert a feeding tube. They also suspect possible distemper... an illness that results in death 60-90% of the time. So now we are preparing ourselves for the fact that Louie may not be coming home.

With all this going on the past week, it has been really hard to focus on homework. I'm falling majorly behind, and with a 12-hour shift tomorrow, dinner with Rob's parents on Saturday night and a move to Winnipeg on Sunday I can't really imagine how I'm going to write a paper and catch up on all the work I have to do. There are several things that are so late that when I think of them it makes me feel literally nauseous.

It will all get done, right?

We'll see.

Louie

Friday, September 4, 2009

Tagging Along For the Ride...

Again it's been a long time since I last posted. Summer ended up being pretty busy and fun in the end, and the five-day canoe trip in Algonquin Park was one of my favourite things I have ever done. We are hoping to do it again next year, and I can't wait. I had no idea my body was capable of standing up to the amount of exertion it did that week!


Rawr.


These days, the anxiety that was so nicely packed away for several weeks has reared its ugly head and once again I feel powerless to stop it from consuming me. Why is being positive not enough?! It has a lot to do with money issues and Rob and I dealing with last minute preparations to go back to school. It's funny how school arrives like a surprise every fall, even when you knew it was coming all summer.

Speaking of school, at some point my desire to go back did arrive! I was almost certain I had seen the last of that sensation. Many later-years midwifery students had told me that the desire to be with women and babies DOES come back, but I felt so overwhelmed by the winter placement that I honestly couldn't see that happening. But here I am; it happened.

This year - my third - will be a little different. Rather than midwifery-focused placements, we do a series of one-month placements with complementing health care professionals. My first placement will be in a NICU, and after that I am off to the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg for a month. In January and February I will be doing a month with an OB and then a month with the L&D nurses. In March we have an elective placement, and I have chosen to do a month with midwives in Winnipeg. Our fourth year begins in May, which will be a year-long midwifery placement with increasing responsibility. I think of it as "The Beast", and it terrifies me... but I'm just gonna cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm pretty excited about the placements this year. They will be challenging, but will involve a different kind of pressure.



Meowrve


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Rebirth...

Arrived home last night from a life-changing two-weeks in Winnipeg. I haven't figured out how to put into words what was so life-changing about it. It was the first time I thought that perhaps we will end up back in Winnipeg after all this school stuff is done. Spending time with people I love who love me back was incredible. It's so easy to hang out with people who love you for who you are. I felt SO positive by the time I left that I was motivated to bring that positivity back to Toronto with me. So far so good, but after almost 24 hours of being home I'm feeling a little bored and unfulfilled. No friends to call up here - and it turns out that calling up friends to hang out is my favourite part of summer and I just never realized it before because I took the ability to do it for granted.

It makes me wonder how many things I take for granted that I don't even realize?

As part of all of this I am motivated to be more of a partner to Rob. I can't rely on him to do every little thing while I lie around depressed. Today I cleaned out the fridge and freezer, joined Costco and stocked the kitchen. I made him lunch and am moving on to supper soon while he has a nap. He got a job and we are so thrilled!

Today I talked to a recent graduate of the midwifery program / friend from my placement clinic, and she raved about how much she loved third year since there is not the same pressure to perform as there is with the second and fourth year midwifery placements. I am truly finding my desire to go back to school - a feeling I never thought would return.

Not much of a blog post, but it'll have to do for now. I feel I have a lot of thinking to do on all that has shifted inside me in the last two weeks.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Midwifery Student

So, of course I was KIDDING and have not continued to demand things like pancakes from Rob just because the fortune teller said I should.

However, seeing her has given me some food for thought. I find myself considering her statements on how everything in my life really just looks so good right now and for at least the next year, and how I need to focus on enjoying what is happening now instead of worrying about things down the line. She repeatedly said my worrying is unfounded.

Isn't it always? I've always kind of known that in my more laid back moments.

But, ever since she said it, I have been working harder on it and it has been effective. I have been appreciating what is around me more deeply. I have been worrying less. I am less anxious about the fact that Rob doesn't have a job, or that I should be doing more. Instead I think about how long we spent living apart, and how lucky we are to have this whole summer together. Overall I've been feeling grateful for the simple things. More aware of how small my negativity really is against the universe. I feel I have a little more perspective.

Finally.

With these thoughts in mind I've been considering my relationship with midwifery - and with being a midwifery student in particular. I've been so afraid of school starting again in the fall and so preoccupied with feeling bruised by last year that all I could feel when thinking about midwifery was... well, dread. Some time has passed and I have been able to reflect and consider why this is. I have considered why it was so hard. Not just hard, but so, so, so hard. Surely it must all be in my attitude and my approach. I don't want to feel so unhappy, so afraid of the pager going off, and so afraid of whether I know what I'm doing or not. So afraid I might never "get there." I can't live like that! I'm in the MEP to learn, and I want to learn. I really do think I could be good at this job if I can just survive being a student. I have to figure out how to do that.

I need to remember to have gratitude. My friend Dawn always speaks of having gratitude, and it's a wonderful reminder. It's so important. And I do feel so grateful to be a midwifery student, to be on my path to midwifery, to be able to build relationships with these women and be with them during their own journeys, and to have met the friends I have in the other students.

So then, the hardest parts of placement. I have been considering what they were for me now that I have had some time to think about it. The hardest of all for me were feeling awkward and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be asked a question I couldn't answer. I didn't want to have to stumble through an awkward newborn exam while everyone looked on.

But isn't that all ego stuff? I'm not always going to know the answers - and no one would expect me to. And maybe awkwardness is part of the student game. Can I picture any of my colleagues running through all their newborn exams, informed choice discussions, and vaginal exams without any awkwardness? Surely I can't be the only one. I can't be the only one feeling at a loss in the delivery room at times. This is new to all of us.

But maybe I'm one of the only ones who fears it, hates it, dreads it. Maybe, like so many have said, I need to stop worrying so much. Which brings me back to the fortune teller's message. So simple and yet so difficult!

Back in May, I knew I was going to use my time this summer to attempt to process last winter's placement and try to find my way towards feeling ready to continue. But, the truth is, I honestly didn't believe I would achieve any of that, and so, of course, I worried. Finally, though, I'm really starting to think I WILL be able to continue... and, well... it's a really good feeling.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Snobbypants

I had a really good time in Ottawa. I loved the long drive there and back, singing along at the top of my lungs with my new car stereo. I loved finally seeing my friend's place that I've heard so much about - it was really nice. I loved spending the week with three cats, one of whom was Willow! We had this idea that we would talk about whether I should bring her back with me or not. But when I saw her there, I realized how good she has it. The backyard is beautiful, and she has Bugsy to play with. Juniper and Willow don't really get along, but they do seem kind of used to each other. I think, as we had discussed earlier, they really will be fine when they have more space. Oh how I love her! And so, we decided she should stay put.

I had my palm and gypsy cards read by a fortune teller. My friend had a reading by her a few weeks ago and was impressed, so we went back for a more detailed reading for her and a basic one for me. The fortune teller told me I have very beautiful "air hands", which indicate that I am extremely intellectual and detail-oriented in the way I think, that I hate stupid people very much - although I would never show it on the outside, and that I am seen by other people to be quite "snobby" and cold on first impression. I experience no major health issues to speak of, and she sees no reason why I do not live a long life (into my 80s), although there may be some digestive issues and perhaps something in the low back - arthritis? She saw no career to speak of - at least not one that plays a major role in my life. She said she could see that I am good at many things, but don't really excel at any one thing. She could see that I am fragile in my health, and that I get tired and fatigued easily. She said this should not be a problem as long as I get more than 8 hours of sleep every night and don't go into any line of work where I would have to work during the night (perfect, that fits right in with the life of a midwife... oh wait...). She saw two children - likely a girl and a boy, with the girl coming first, but not soon (phewf). My marriage is strong and there is lots and lots of love from my husband who treats me like a princess (then she said "he probably calls you a princess, doesn't he?" Ummmm.... yeah, he does. Ahem.). She saw a small line alongside the marriage line which indicates EITHER that my husband and I live fairly independent lives, OR that there is an affair (you know, either or, no big deal.). She said I am a person who needs to be shown love through lots of attention, gifts and affection and that I need to stop "hinting" to my husband and start being more specific - i.e. "Look at these flowers! Let's buy some." instead of "Wow, these flowers are really pretty.... sigh....". Incidentally, this made me laugh a lot. I can't count how many times I've done the latter (with no results!). She saw no travel to speak of, especially not through work. This made me sad. And she kind of recommended that I would make an ideal housewife. The weirdest part of all was when she said that there is someone in my life who has caused me pain or suffering, but that I should not worry - they will get what they deserve. Whoa! I have no idea who this might be, nor do I usually wish anyone pain or suffering... but when I said this, she looked confused for a second but then said that no, this type of card reading is rarely, if ever, wrong so I should just think about it for a few days and see what comes to me.

All in all it was a strange thing to try to process. Overall she told me things in my life are extremely positive right now and that these "tears on the bottom of my heart" are not necessary. She urged me to try to take things a day at a time and stop worrying about the future because I can't control it and it is making me miss things that are happening right now - for example, worrying about where my placement will be in two months makes me miss enjoying my summer with my husband. She said she foresees the next year being quite pleasant for me with no real upsets. This is glorious news! And here I thought I was in for another painful year of midwifery education.

We shall see what the future holds, but for now I am inspired to do my best to take it a day at a time.

Incidentally, the hubby is currently making pancakes for me. This morning I said "wouldn't you like to make pancakes like that time you made them and they were soooo good?" and he replied "you've been up longer than me and I don't see YOU making pancakes." So I thought about the fortune teller's words and tried this "Make me pancakes." It worked... maybe she really DOES know what she's talking about!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Closing the "Couch Surfing" Chapter

It's been a few lonely months, as I have mentioned. When I was done school for the summer in May, I felt bruised and battered from a long, hard semester. All I wanted to do was turn off my phone and my pager and hunker down for lots of sleeping and eating. Rob, husband extraordinaire, provided me with lots of TLC and I worked on processing all of the clinical learning I had experienced.

Eventually, the rest and relaxation turned into lying around and feeling guilty about it. It got so I didn't know what to do other than wake up late, move to the couch, move back to bed. Needless to say, I've been getting pretty unhappy about it. We don't have next summer off, and there is a long, hard two years ahead. I made a conscious decision not to work this summer so that I could really enjoy my "free" time. I have known for awhile now that I need to get my act together.

So, I have taken matters into my own hands and filled up my schedule. I mentioned the trip to Winnipeg, but I didn't mention that I am also driving up to Ottawa to visit a friend for a few days this week, and some friends have planned a canoe trip to Algonquin Park in August. We drove down to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend, and we have friends from Guelph coming to visit for a night next weekend.

Immediately after all this schedule-filling, an acquaintance in Toronto asked me when I was free since she suddenly has more free time. After weeks upon weeks of feeling friendless and lonely, I suddenly couldn't even think of a single day I was next free for dinner.

Since that day, the requests to hang out have been rolling in from other acquaintances in the city - people I'd just about given up hope on ever hearing from.

The Universe is funny that way.

After a couple of days in Niagara I'm feeling good about things. I know it's already July 12th, but in some ways my summer is just starting. I'm excited to see what it brings now that I'm up off the couch...

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Urban Canoeist

I've been having problems with motivation this summer. What began as a summer of rest and relaxation designed to help me recover from the winter's midwifery placement - slash - prepare for the next two years of school has become a summer of being sloth-like and feeling guilty about it. I've been doing my darndest not to feel guilty, but with Rob having such trouble finding work I can't help it. I feel I should help somehow, but... I can't. Most ironic is that my health seems to be worse now than it was when I was a crazy overworked student.

So I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to feel better. The trip to Winnipeg is going to help a lot. I want to get up to Ottawa too. We're heading to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend. We went to Guelph to visit friends last weekend. Any kind of getting up and out of the apartment seems to help... duh! I also need to be more active. Yesterday we rented a canoe and paddled around Toronto Island for three hours. It was so awesome.


Bliss.


This swan chased us away from his little family (you can see them near the shore). I was seriously afraid he was going to break my arm.


Resting before heading back across the harbour. I'm assuming Toronto Island is typically busier than this. There was no one around and it was great! Thanks, garbage strike.


This kind of makes me love Toronto.

So that was good for us, even if renting the canoe (as with everything in Toronto, it seems) was a total rip off at $30/hour. It was worth it!

I'm thinking of our friends at Folk Fest this weekend. I've had my ups and downs with Folk Fest, but its often been a very happy place. Last year Rob and I had such a good time, despite the horrific weather. If nothing else, it's always been a place where your friends feel closer and music sounds sweeter. I miss being there. It's hard realizing I have no idea when I'll ever be able to go again.

Yup. It's lonely in Toronto.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

... a tale of love...

I've been missing Willow. And since it's clear that she is happy in her new home and will not need me to take her back, perhaps its time for another cat to come to live with us. I remember when I first invited her into my home - young, pregnant, scared and skinny from living on the streets of Sudbury during the winter. I had never lived with an animal who wandered the home at night. It had me lying awake listening to her feeling creeped out. But I got over that.

When Willow had babies in my closet, she wouldn't let me leave her side. When I went to bed that night, she lay down beside me on my bed and her belly would start heaving with contractions. I led her to the cozy box in the closet I had set up for her, and she followed. But when I walked back to bed, there she was by my side. She was scared. Of course I had an exam in the morning, because that's how these things work. And of course she didn't go into labour until nearly midnight. After she had the first kitten, a tiny mewing wet black and white ball, and I had called my next-door neighbour (also a midwifery student) over to help/oversee things with me, I decided it was time for bed. Willow seemed more comfortable with what was going on, and I needed the sleep. So I dragged my mattress to the closet and slept with one hand on the box so she would know I was there. I woke to faint mewing a few times throughout the night, but otherwise slept through. When I got up in the morning there were four kittens lined up along her belly - it was the most amazing sight I have ever seen! She was so proud. There were two little calicos, one orange and white tabby and the little black and white guy. Leaving to go to the exam was so hard.




Willow and I went through a lot together in just one year. The good and devoted girl that she is, she caught and brought me a dead mouse in the middle of the night once - also the night before a test. I screamed and flipped the mouse into a garbage bag so quick that Willow didn't know what had happened to it. She spent the night pouncing repeatedly on the bed in hopes of stirring him up again. We discovered that she is a terrible car cat. She poops, she pukes, she cries. It's a stinky messy business, which is tough when you are driving back and forth to Winnipeg from Subury! While she had the kittens she got sick. It was like all her life energy was being drained by these fast-growing little babies. She would often throw up, and one day she got all this poop in the fur on her tail. I had to hold her down and wash it out while we both cried. When we were leaving to go to Winnipeg for the summer last year, we had already decided we were taking Willow because some friends were going to adopt her. But when we took the 8 week kittens from her, her nipples got huge and swollen from the sudden lack of kittens suckling. We went and retrieved Otto - the tiniest kitten, and brought him with us. What a lovebug he turned out to be! He cuddled constantly, when he wasn't harassing Willow or playing. We fell completely in love with him. Then one day when he was about 12 weeks or so he got sick. We knew he'd been having trouble with eating, so we'd been working on it. We had called the vet and they advised it sounded like worms, so we were giving him the meds. We sat with him at every meal and tried to get him to eat. Willow wasn't letting him have any milk anymore, and he had gotten frighteningly thin. And then one morning he wasn't himself. I tore myself away from him that morning to go to work. When Rob got home, I was on the phone with him when he found Otto. He was still on the bed, not far from where I'd left him, and he was cold and stiff. We still have so much sadness and guilt - what could we have done to better help him?

Sweet Little Otto

Willow made my day, every day. When it got close to time for my friends to take her, I couldn't imagine life without her. When I was stressed and unhappy, she would make me laugh. Her new fam and I had the arrangement that if one of their cats didn't take to having Willow there, we would discuss her coming back to me. Happily for her, the anxious cat tolerated her and now she has kitty friends to play with and a loving home. She's a big round ball of hilarity these days - I still get pictures!

Heh heh

I have such huge guilt around the idea of owning a cat. My mother is severely allergic. She can walk into a room that once had a cat in it for a few minutes, and her throat will start to close, eyes puff up, skin itch. It's not the kind of allergy you can vaccum and put the cat away and have it be ok. If we have animals, it closes the door to her being able to come over and visit. This is sort of okay right now, but what about when we have children? Yet my heart is just aching to have that happy presence in the home, the one that brightens the room. But it's my mother! But... but... but... It causes me such inner turmoil!

A Moment of Pure Willow and Joc Love

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

... when in Rome...

It's just time for me to do this, so here I am.

So I booked my flight to Winnipeg this morning. I almost never get phone calls, but while I was on the phone with the woman booking my flight, everyone decided to call me. The call waiting beeped the entire time, plus I got a buzz at the door from the mailman who has never buzzed before. My multitasking skills are out of practice, but I somehow got through it. And now I'm going to Winnipeg at the end of July/beginning of August for a purely social visit. So that's exciting.

I've been musing on being a prairie girl living in Toronto. I have never felt like a prairie girl before, but now, living here, I do. There are so many cars, so many people, so much to do... it's almost too much. In fact, I don't know how people do anything here at all - I mean, how do you choose? But more importantly, how do you meet people? My friend called Toronto the city that is no one's hometown. It's a good point. Most people here have come from elsewhere. So there must be other people that don't know people and would like to hang out. But it all takes so much work and energy. So, for now, no friends for us.

I received word from the office at school that my placement for the fall in Winnipeg is looking good. No confirmation yet though. That would be too certain, make life too easy. As we careen into July I'm getting a little nervous for the upcoming school year. Once it starts, that's it. No stopping til I'm all done. Is it really possible? I feel like I'll have to see it to believe it...