Musings of a Smartypants

Between chapters...

2011-05-01T13:43:00.003-04:00

Something that never occurred to me was how hard it would be to leave Toronto. The place that never felt like home; the place we spent three rather painful years. As the days counted down, the reality crept in. I started saying my goodbyes and realizing how much we had. However limited, we had a life there. There is plenty that I will miss.

Still, excitement prevailed and we somehow managed to pack up and be ready for the movers. And, a few days later, to get onto the highway in a car packed with belongings and high hopes. We didn't look back. We giggled and tried to wrap our heads around the finality. Outside the warmth and safety of the car, it rained.

Goodbye Toronto. Goodbye new and old friends. Goodbye smog and warmer weather. Goodbye beautiful lake and access to everything and anything. Goodbye freeways and too many cars and too many people and too much noise from neighbours and now-familiar streets and the safety of midwifery preceptors and studenthood. Goodbye to our starving student selves.

The drive was satisfying. I had planned for a long drawn-out road trip with the intention of creating a distinct bookmark between chapters. Instead, we ended up driving longer days and going further than necessary because that's what felt right once we got going. It was a beautiful drive and we stopped often.

And suddenly, we arrived.

For now we are hibernating. Trying to make sense of the changes. Slowly it all sinks in. Friends are trying to reach us. My mother is feeding and taking care of us. Our things are supposed to arrive tomorrow. One more day, and surrounded by our things... then I think maybe we will be ready.

Contemplating

2011-03-14T21:46:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling like a slacker.

Funny words from a person who rarely has time to eat and sleep, but it's true.

I've had so little homework to do during clerkship, and I've taken advantage of that fact. Around me, friends are studying for the final, writing their pharmacology exam, prepping for their in-class peer review (I did mine first, so nothing to prep since January) and just generally being more proactive than I am. I'm the girl who makes everyone feel better about themselves when they THINK they've been slacking and then find out I've done even less.

The truth is, I've always been this way. I'm a procrastinator, through and through. Give me extra time for a task and I will fill it with something entirely unrelated. Last minute is my style... mix in a little perfectionist for a fairly uncomfortable combo. That's just who I am.

Lately I find myself filling my extra time with daydreaming. This is new for me. I've never been much of a dreamer. In my mind, I am imagining life after the MEP. I am arranging furniture in our new apartment, exploring our new-old city, reconnecting with friends, catching up with my Ontario friends on facebook... I think it's funny that I'm spending so much time daydreaming and fantasizing about doing normal every day things. I'm so ready to fall in love with Winnipeg again... maybe for the first time.

Today one of the midwives told me she is really excited about my future endeavours, and she said the most lovely thing: "I'm excited for you, and you are totally ready for this." Tonight I'm savouring that comment. And not doing any work.

The Final Countdown...

2011-03-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

Two weeks until I turn off the MEP-issued pager once and for all. At this point, life before the MEP feels like another lifetime altogether. When I began, four years seemed so doable. In retrospect, it seems like an eternity. So much has changed.

Rob and I have made jokes about how Toronto has aged us, but there is some truth to that. While there is much excitement to be heading back to Winnipeg, there is also trepidation. We don't really know what we are walking into. How will the ways in which we have changed mesh with what we've left behind? Where will we fit? What is there for us now?

Around midwifery... I'm so excited to be heading into a community where growth is still exciting and new midwives are celebrated and supported. I'm thrilled to be getting involved in the midst of such positive changes. But most of all, I look forward to feeling excited about and involved in pregnancy and birth. I am so overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted that births blur into births and I've lost a sense of the miracle. There is a lot of "med-wifery" in my current world and I look forward to forging and discovering my own way of practice. I am curious to meet the midwife in me.

Until then, I look forward to sleeping and packing for the entirety of April. I may not have a long break ahead of me, but I plan to make the most of it!

Looking for the magic...

2011-03-02T10:07:00.002-05:00

This year, along with the ugliness of the pre-spring melt comes the final countdown of the MEP.

I'm not yet in the clear. I am short on numbers, and have three clients due this week alone. Tomorrow, my preceptor comes back from a month of holidays so there will be adjustments to make. We must never get comfortable, you know.

In the meantime, I have accepted a position in Winnipeg to start mid-May. I am relieved to have a plan in place and terrified to imagine going on call on my own for the first time in a completely new place. In some ways I envy the new registrants who are hired on at the practices from their final year of the MEP. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don't. But I am grateful to be heading back to my familiar city with its familiar foibles.

We wait wait wait wait on word about an apartment. Our application went in over a week ago. I am excited for the open, airy space overlooking the river and city. I know we could transform it into our happy home for at least a couple of years. Here's hoping they let us!

The Fall..

2011-02-14T12:49:00.001-05:00

I don't know what it is about mid-term, but it gets me every time.

Despite any strength I had going into the term, around the halfway mark anxiety starts to creep in and becomes more and more difficult to overcome. At least now I know it's a bit of a pattern and that it will eventually improve.

The roller coaster of confidence and doubt is a scarier ride than ever. I suppose the stronger one feels, the further they fall when they realize how much there is left to learn.

Keeping my eye on the finish line is what keeps me going. Visions of Winnipeg dance in my head. Plans are forming. I think, mentally, I'm already gone from here.

...time flies...

2011-01-22T21:11:00.009-05:00

It's always amazing to me how time can drag and fly at the same time. The weeks crawl by, but they do keep crawling and things continue to change and change and change. So much change.

I am a Midwifery Clerk now. Something I was always so in awe of - it seemed an unreachable goal. Midwifery Clerks do things like think about what comes AFTER the MEP. I had forgotten such a thing existed - or, at least, given up on ever getting there.

And what comes after the MEP for us continues to appear to be Winnipeg. Toronto - especially the midwifery scene - seems as impenetrable and uninviting as ever, and although our wee pool of friends and acquaintances is growing, we still aren't very attached. I've been encouraged to apply for positions in Manitoba, and so I did, and now I have an interview coming up. It will be nice to have a plan in place for that "edge of a cliff" that is the end of the MEP.

I have actually begun to imagine graduating. Walking across the platform in my red shoes to receive my degree. Working. Being near family and old friends. Having an income. Owning a house.

In the meantime, being a Clerk has proven interesting. Different and yet the same. It doesn't feel as much like an initiation... a different level of respect, perhaps? I am increasingly comfortable with what I am doing and yet when I try to imagine not having the safety net of another midwife overseeing me in everything I do I feel terrified. I still do silly things all the time. I screw up daily. My stomach is in knots... often. But it's really amazing to see that as the days, weeks and months roll on... I am growing. It is and has been so painful, but I have grown so much. I am becoming this.

...winter awakening...

2010-12-06T16:47:00.002-05:00

My soul is stirring. Strange that feeling should come at a time that I also associate with darkness. Today, finally, snowflakes fall. All at once, winter is here.

I was beginning to chalk the lack of festive spirit in our household up to exhaustion and isolation. Sitting (studying...) under the warm orange glow of the kitchen lamp watching the grass get swallowed up by white outside our bay window, I realize that this is what we've been missing. Feeling cozy inside, sipping tea, candles lit, protected from the wind and snow... the holidays are here. A prairie girl through and through... need me some of that icy air.

I should be studying. It's so hard. I say this every time, I know... but it really is hard. I don't want to focus. I want to pour a glass of red wine and laugh at this crazy life. I want to walk in the snow with Rob until our cheeks are pink and numb and our kisses warm and connected, remembering each other. I want to be surrounded with friends and food and drink - feel the sensation of belonging that we were reminded of at the farmhouse in August.

Tonight we are going for dinner with some friends... I realize now, too late, what bad timing that is. I will, as usual, make it work for the exam... I just need a 70%. Doable... I hope.

Then... take THAT Midwifery 4! Moving on. Amazing how it all feels like forever... and yet it just keeps going by.

... reality check...

2010-11-22T00:04:00.004-05:00

Today I felt crazy. Grumpy, depressed and sad. I was pushing when I wanted to be pulling. Poor Rob.

It was a great weekend, but so short. So short. I cried a little this morning when I thought about going back on call. At just the right moment someone reminded me that we have one weekend left on call before we go off for our exam and December break. 11 days. After the reminder (and two dark chocolate-covered blueberries), I started to perk up.

On the break I want to eat chocolate and read books. I want to break my laptop addiction for awhile. I want to gaze lovingly at Rob, play stupid board games and do puzzles, ditch my car and walk, leave boot prints in the snow. I want to laugh, and mean it.

I saw Woody Allen's latest film the other day and it was excellent. Reminiscent of his old work that I love. A lesson in how the grass isn't greener on the other side. A good reminder. Important.

...bzzz bzzz bzzz....

2010-11-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

Word has it that Winnipeg is covered in snow as of yesterday. I honestly can't imagine. It seems too early. One thing I would miss about Toronto is the weather. It agrees with me, and I agree with it. In the city of smog and fog, I no longer get as down in the winter and I don't get the recurring headaches that I always had back home and even in Sudbury. Strange.

No births this week. It's been a long lull. I told the practice at midterm that I needed back ups, and have only managed to get two since. I hope for at least one more, and a primary or two. I find my tutor isn't a stickler for birth numbers as long as my preceptor(s) feel I have done enough that they feel they can assess me. I feel fairly confident that, despite the fact I have a long way to go, I'm passing this term.

I'm very excited for a weekend off that includes dinner and a movie with a buddy who makes me laaaugh non-stop, a lil road trip to visit a midwifery friend in Cambridge, and drinks with an old friend. Not all weekends off are packed with awesomeness like this one is.

... just breathe...

2010-11-17T08:13:00.001-05:00

I am currently in the middle of a birth lull... it's not as comfortable as it sounds. I have informed the practice that I am in need of back ups. I have a multip due on Sunday who went early with her first baby (and fast!)... every night I dream she calls in the middle of rip-roaring labour and I try to ask why she didn't call earlier as the midwife and I set into panic mode trying to get to her in time... then I awake to morning. No pages. I check the pager to make sure it is still working and that I haven't somehow missed it going off. No pages.

Rob was leaving the apartment as I emerged from the bedroom this morning - early class. As I sat there sipping warmish yerba, I received a text from him: "I found something disturbing this morning. I didn't want to tell you until you were awake." Then a long lull between texts as my mind went into all kinds of "disturbing" places. Finally: "I found a dead mouse on the kitchen floor." Ew. Then I noticed how on edge the cats were. And exhausted. I suppose they were up all night dealing with this.

Dead mouse on the kitchen floor. Reminds me of a day years ago... in another city, in another kitchen... I made a mix cd that day, and named it after the experience. This song... beautiful... ethereal... almost forgotten. Turns out to be a good reminder... a listening requirement for midwifery students, perhaps?

... a day in the life...

2010-11-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

This morning I slept in until a leisurely 8:45 and promptly wasted an hour watching mind-sucking reality television on my laptop. I ate a freezer-burned sesame bagel with some undefined type of spreadable cheese from small foil-wrapped triangles I found in the fridge. I drank the remaining dregs of yerba mate left in the pot from Rob before he left for work. I made a few calls, got dressed and spent approximately three minutes fiddling with my hair and thinking about how desperately I need a haircut and how little time I have to make appointments. Giving up on the hair I ran out the door making a mental note that I needed to take a sticky roller to the cat hair coating my black tights, then forgetting. I listened to the same cd that has been on repeat in my car for the past three weeks as I drove to a home visit. It was sunny. Squinting, I remembered how I used to care enough to actually change my regular glasses to my sunglasses when I was outside. I ran up the four flights of stairs to the apartment where I was doing my visit and arrived so out of breath that I had to take a few minutes before I could communicate with the parents. The visit was uneventful. I checked in with one of my preceptors to let her know how the visit went as I raced down the stairs and back to my car, worrying about running late to meet my other preceptor at the hospital for another visit. I got stuck in traffic, squinting in the sun and singing along mindlessly, texting my preceptor to let her know I was on my way. I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late, and searched for our client only to realize that my preceptor was not there yet. Following the visit, I stopped in at the clinic to photocopy next week's clinic schedule and attempt to motivate myself to prep my charts. Failing that, I suddenly realized I was incredibly, horrifically grumpy. I left the clinic, drove home and have been lying on the couch moping ever since. I am eating gingerbread cookies and attempting to make fun plans for next weekend (off call) and my month off in December. Rob is making chicken dumpling stew in an attempt to cheer me up.

For some reason this reminds me of the movie Magnolia, when William H Macy's character had the song "Dreams" playing in his car every time he drove anywhere... his character was at least as hopeless as I feel today.

That actually just kinda cheered me up.

... shine down on me...

2010-11-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

Still writing this "last paper"... it's amazing how completely I can draw things out to their very longest, most painful length. Today is the day it will be handed in... mark my words! Unfortunately I've made plans to have dinner with friends, which would be a good thing except that I will not be finished the paper and will therefore be distracted and stressed out.

Rob has been sullen and down, so I shooed him outside for a bike ride. It's amazing how we know these things help, but are sometimes so incapable of motivating ourselves to do them. This is what we need each other for.

Outside the (dirty) windows the sun is shining strong and bright, doing it's best to warm the chilly air but not quite succeeding. Still, it cheers me up. I feel, taste, smell the undertones of winter. Instead of being scared, this year I feel more curious. How will I handle it? Will it be alright? I feel the need to be "better" at winter, with these plans to move back to Winnipeg on the horizon.

I'm sure exercise would help. Oh well.

...daydreaming...

2010-11-06T10:09:00.008-04:00

My view of the world remains in technicolour - no more dark black cave of despair for me... (for now). Lately I'm inspired by people with beautiful words of reality and with passion that shines through even during times of struggle. I've been finding ways to feel - really feel - again... all it takes is a little perspective (not easy). I'm finding reminders where I can.

Last night I dreamed that I had a snowflake tattoo that started behind my ear. The snowflakes fluttered down the back of my neck near my hairline and across one shoulder blade. I want.

Snowflakes, squirrels and bees. Oh my. My triad of beloved things. There are so many lovely representations...

Ikea KALLT Lights

Abaca Leaf Squirrel Ornament

Honey Bee Flask

I want to wind the snowflake lights around the head of this bedframe I've been lusting after... and hang the chubby little squirrel ornament from anywhere. I want to sip jagermeister from the honeycomb flask and share it with my equally-struggling midwifery student buddies.

Of course, as "starving students" we must limit our purely-for-joy purchases and stick to the necessities. As a midwifery student, a good bag is a necessity... and so I recently purchased this beauty, justifying it as a school supply... which it is! Rob was surprised at the colour choice... I wondered if he was right, so I tried to sell myself on grey (my old standby). But grey was a no-go... I desperately need some colour in my life!

...writingapaperpaperwritingwritingapaper...

2010-10-31T20:48:00.002-04:00

I feel googly-eyed. How can something that takes up so much of my mind not really be coming along? So, so very slow going. I will certainly be using my grace days.

Last paper. Last one.

Haven't I said that before?

... where is my mind?

2010-10-29T19:34:00.000-04:00

This is just the very best thing ever, for so many reasons.

...ebb and flow...

2010-10-28T17:23:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what a couple of days off, two 10-hour nights of sleep, a trip to Ikea for some organizers and shelves, and two double-doses of vitamin b can do for one's outlook on life.

After my last post, I kidnapped Rob when he came home from work and we went out for dinner to a little thai restaurant nearby that I've been wanting to try. We used to go for thai food about once a month back in Winnipeg; it was one of our favourite things to do. Now we don't have the luxury of going out for dinner as much as we used to, but I think it's important to make room for things that ground us once in awhile. Inside the cozy little red-walled restaurant, I told him how I was feeling over rice rolls and pad thai. He sympathized and empathized, and said he was really feeling the same way. We made a decision to try harder to live in the present.

Together, we spent Sunday doing things around the apartment that we just sort of were never getting around to. With a bit of love and attention, we finally have a place that I completely love coming home to again. Rob even re-potted the sad little plant clippings we had been neglecting in a corner, and now they are thriving all over the living room. My anxiety has calmed. For now, I feel better.

...rude awakening...

2010-10-23T14:58:00.001-04:00

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.

I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true. It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along. I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax. In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink. This makes me feel terrible. I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word. The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again. I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program. I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice. But I haven't really believed that... I can't. No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required. In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life. So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.

I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion. I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went. I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older. I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough. And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now. Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard. It is not a good excuse for disappearing.

I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done. Generally my posts feel forced and boring. I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how. I used to love music. Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows. Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it. I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to. Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs. I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it. The truth is, it doesn't need resources. It just needs love. I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved. The list goes on. Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.

... yet another midterm...

2010-10-23T13:29:00.001-04:00

More than a month (nearly two) since my last post... how?! Time flies when you're in extremely uncomfortable, challenging periods of growth, I guess.

This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?

I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.

Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.

I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.

It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.

Gratitude...

2010-09-05T21:14:00.007-04:00

After a month of tremendous ups and downs, I'm feeling sort of-kind of-almost ready to resume placement.

It's been three years since I've had any issues with my Crohn's disease. In the past, I had many operations due to a recurring fistula/abscess. It's always been a tough pill to swallow since I've worked so hard to see relief from the usual type of Crohn's flare-up with much success through diet. But, no matter how good the other symptoms of my Crohn's disease have been, problems with this abscess would always reappear. The last time it happened was in May of 2007, when I ended up in the hospital the same day I found out I had gotten into the midwifery program at Laurentian (sooo much happy; sooo much sad!). After three years, I was starting to think (hope, dream!) perhaps I'd seen the last of it. So it was with much disappointment... heartbreak, even... that I ended up in the ER at Mt Sinai a few weeks ago. One long horrendous day in the emergency room, lots of morphine and gravol, spinal anaesthetic, an operation and an overnight later, I was back at home.

The past three weeks have been focused on healing and trying to get back in the physical and mental game so I could be ready for placement when it started again. I think I'm finally there. I don't know why it happened, but I know that during placements I have not treated my body as well as I have in the past. It's been hard to eat properly, and I had let that translate to almost never eating well at all. In many ways I have to try harder to keep my body happy and healthy during all of this.

Luckily, I suppose, the flare-up occurred during holidays from school and directly between our Algonquin canoe trip and our trip to Winnipeg, and none were disturbed. We had a blast in Winnipeg, and even though I had to take it easy we managed to see many of our friends, lots of my family, and even spend a few days at my parents' cabin on Falcon Lake.

As always, I felt the most profound sense of whole-ness as I sat under those prairie skies with all of our friends around us. It felt easy, and it felt like home. I felt a sense of belonging and love that I haven't felt, except during similar visits, since I moved away. This time was extra special since Rob was finally with me. For the past year or so I've been feeling a desire to make our way back there when we are done school. This was an opportunity to see if Rob might be on the same page once he experienced being back. Sure enough, one of the first things he said after we arrived was "oh yeah... this place feels like home." I left with a new motivation for getting through this year: the sooner I finish, the sooner I can get back to Winnipeg and we can get on with making our dreams come true!

Which, of course, reminds me that going to midwifery school was one of those dreams, and every day that I'm here I am making that dream a reality. I appreciate the reminder to have gratitude!

Summer Days...

2010-08-09T12:33:00.001-04:00

Placement 1 of 3 wrapped up without a hitch. I had a near panic-attack at the end from suddenly thinking I was going to run into some uncomfortable feedback during my evaluation... possibly even run into issues with passing. I'm not sure why I thought this; likely because it was happening all around me to my classmates. In fact, the final evaluation was fairly painless and actually even pleasant at points. My preceptor's written evaluation was extremely positive and included the sentiment that she is looking forward to working more with me. Go figure!

The day we went off call, my midwifery bestie drove down from Ottawa for a 24 hour hang-out sesh. We got together with some of the other Toronto-and-vicinity midwifery students from Laurentian, expecting a celebration. In fact, it turned into a bit of a bitch-fest where we all ranted and commiserated over wine and cupcakes... it was a bit heavy, but I suppose we all needed it. The two of us made up for it the next day by wandering a farmer's market, having a long and delicious brunch at my new favourite cafe, breathing in the cool air along the harbourfront and checking out the market there, and having an overall luxurious day off-call doing whatever we pleased.

Somehow I convinced myself to do a better job of studying for the final exam than I did for the midterm. The exam went off without much of a hitch, save for the usual frustrating MEP exam questions about things that have not at all been a learning focus. No marks back yet, but I expect to have done well enough.

We set off a couple of days later for our second "annual" Algonquin Park canoe trip. It was different this year. Rob planned the route again, and it was much more grueling than last year's. We paddled further and portaged more. Perhaps I was also still just burnt out, or perhaps the absence of the two friends who couldn't make it this year was just really palpable, or perhaps it was the lack of sunshine... I'm not sure, but the energy didn't feel nearly as high out there. I didn't start to pick up until day four of the five day trip. It was as astonishingly beautiful as ever and amazingly peaceful. We hardly saw any other people on days two through four. It was just really, intensely physically difficult. Maybe I just wasn't quite ready for it so soon after the placement ended. My midwif' bud and I did a lot of hysterical laughing about "our idea of a vacation". What is it with us, anyway, that everything always has to be so freaking intense?!

I have all these ideas about things I'd like to do this month and ways I want to get organized before the fall. Right now I'm not sure it's going to happen. I have an armload of novels I want to read (what a luxury!), and we still have our trip to Winnipeg coming up. I'm reading Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver - an oldie, but one I had never managed to get around to. Also on the list: Fall on Your Knees - Ann-Marie MacDonald, How to be Good - Nick Hornby, The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini, among others. Think I can get through them all and still get our lives organized a bit before September 7?

Who's Counting

2010-07-12T14:05:00.005-04:00

I am winding down from having a much-needed weekend off call. I did my best to make the most of it. It was really hard to "let go" of all the things I have started to become used to having to keep straight for midwifery placement. I realized how much my head lives in the placement - something I had hoped to find a way to temper this time around. Now I am just unsure whether it's possible not to let this thing become your whole world. If it is, I guess I haven't figured it out yet.

When Rob and I went out for dinner on Saturday night, it was evident how long it had been since we'd really sat down and talked. Over entrees, wine, dessert and coffee, we talked and laughed like we hadn't seen each other in years - which was lovely, but is also kind of sad to realize how out of touch we had become. We decided we need to make a pointed effort to have dinner together more often.

This decision to try to eat more meals together coincides perfectly with me realizing how unhealthy I have been getting during placement - all the eating on the run, grabbing things from the nearest coffee shop or the hospital cafeteria, not eating because I forgot to pack lunch and don't have time to pick something up, snacking on unhealthy choices... it's not good. Re-inspired to care about the food I'm eating by a combination of starting to feel heavy and lacking in energy with the discovery of The Ten Ingredient Project: http://www.teningredientproject.com/, I'm looking forward to putting a little more thought into what I eat again.

Incidentally, I felt I hit a bit of a stride last week with placement. I handled a few things better than I would have previously, and got a couple bits of positive feedback. I am still really uncertain and it all still feels tremendously difficult, but moments where I can see some progress do put it into perspective a bit. And Rob Brezny (http://freewillastrology.com/) seems to be echoing my suspicions about why it all feels so hard:

"CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): So it turns out that the "blemish" is
actually essential to the beauty. The "deviation" is at the core of the
strength. The "wrong turn" was crucial to you getting you back on the
path with heart. I have rarely seen a better example of happy accidents,
Capricorn. You may not realize it quite yet -- although I hope this
horoscope is bringing it all into focus -- but you have been the beneficiary
of a tricky form of divine intervention. One good way of expressing your
gratitude is to share with friends the tale of how you came to see that
the imperfections were perfect."

There are officially 10 more sleeps until we are off for our final exam and month off. Not that I'm counting... but if I were, that would mean only 2 more full clinic days (which I am finding one of the more stressful parts of placement). I'm trying to convince my midwifery BFF to travel from Ottawa for a visit immediately upon going off call... we'll see. I think finishing this portion of our final year will call for a mega celebration!

Pushing

2010-06-30T22:20:00.005-04:00

I completely hit a wall sometime after the last post. I felt that my preceptor and I had conflicting personalities that just weren't going to work together, and I just... lost it. I became an anxious wreck. I couldn't stop crying and just could not see the positive in any of this anymore. In a moment of desperation I called the program director at my school and just let it all out. She somehow talked me down. I didn't think it was possible, but after discussing some communication strategies, sharing some laughs and generally just feeling supported, I hung up knowing it was all going to be alright. I didn't know how, but I knew it would.

I am working on patience, open-mindedness and gratitude. I believe these are some of the reasons I have been put in this position this year. I want to make the most of what I have been given. I don't want to quit after all this hard work. And I don't want to be miserable, either. My preceptor isn't going to change any time soon, so it lies with me and in my perception of things. I'm trying. Things are getting better.

My friend compared the placement to labour. She said I was going through transition and soon would be able to start pushing (notoriously a relief after labouring). I guess I've just started pushing... I feel like things are better than they were a week or two ago, but I am really looking forward to the birth of August.

August is looking amazing. We are planning our canoe trip to Algonquin for the early part of the month, and a short trip to Winnipeg at the end. I cannot wait.

My birth numbers are low. I brought it up at the practice meeting today and the range of responses was overwhelming. Some felt it was partly my fault for not bringing it up earlier, not telling them via email or some other method, not doing this or that. Others realized it was just unlucky. All realized that my not taking any of my time off was not the best way to deal with the situation. I have only taken one day off call this month, and the entire time I was off, I worried. My two year wedding anniversary came and went this past week while I was at clinic and, later, a birth. Nothing is sacred and nothing can have my attention except this placement. It's just hard. But if I can get my numbers up and get some time off call, I will have a chance to ground myself once in awhile.

We are fostering two of the sweetest kittens in the world. Last week we had three adoption calls for them and all three fell through. Rob and I love these guys more every day. It's hard when they stay too long... Cosmo sleeps on my pillow every night. Felix follows me every time I go into the bathroom. And, well, just look at them!

Slowly but surely...

2010-06-13T20:39:00.005-04:00

I'm done the midterm and am officially 1/6 done my final year in the midwifery program. Sometimes I really feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the end! The midterm seemed to go alright, save for a few answers that had me cringing at the thought of the tutor reading them. Still, I know that I passed... hooray!

Despite feeling horrifically guilty, I took an extra day off call after the midterm on a whim. Two other students and I went for lunch to commiserate over hummus wraps, and then went shopping (mostly of the window variety) on Queen West. Our friends from Guelph came into town for the weekend and we spent a fair bit of time with them going out for meals, hanging out, checking out the Bloor street festival and Honest Ed's. They have introduced us to some other friends of theirs... everyone's a potential BFF these days, so I was immediately sizing them up. We really like them so hopefully we will see more of them.

One of the hardest parts about being wrapped up in the day-to-day of being a midwifery student is that when you spend time with friends who are NOT midwives, it's hard to filter yourself properly. When people ask questions about the things you do, it's important not to be TOO specific. When you mention things like vagina and/or suturing, for example, people start to look at each other pointedly and then down at the table... a signal that it's time to wrap it up. I get it. It kind of makes me laugh. I know that my career choice is most certainly not for everyone. I still love it.

Overall it was a quiet call weekend (two of my primaries had their babies on Thursday when I was off studying for the midterm) and I had a really relaxing one. When I went into the clinic to prep my charts for the week, I felt totally okay with it... I guess I just really needed the break. Right now Rob is making chocolate chip cookies while I do my homework (really, that's what I'm doing!)... I'm so lucky!

Rough Patch

2010-06-08T23:10:00.001-04:00

Hmm.

Not sure how things are going. It got a lot harder to stay positive and upbeat and confident and hopeful etc this week when I came down with some sort of icky illness - probably just a cold (sore throat, nausea, achy, plugged ears, mucous-filled head, coughing, constant nose-blowing, watery eyes, gross) - and felt unable to take any time to deal with it. Any time I tried to sort of let my preceptor know how I was feeling, I ended up feeling powerless to ask for time/space to get better. A stiff regimen of tylenol, advil cold & sinus, ricola, ginger gravol and neti pot usage has been getting me through, but just barely. I've been washing my hands every ten minutes, holding my breath around babies and trying to stay away from people in general, while still trying to appear enthusiastic and gung-ho about everything.

Just as I was feeling like I wasn't sure I was getting much in the way of learning opportunities out of my temporary preceptor, my permanent preceptor had returned and I was feeling really hopeful about that. However I am now starting to realize the ways in which the new relationship will have its own unique challenges, and that has been feeling a bit overwhelming. There is something about interactions with my preceptor that has been triggering a lot of anxiety in me. It feels like we are just missing each other - like we are always ALMOST on the same page but never quite. I have found some of our interactions really stressful and am feeling like I have needed time to sort of "come down" after them... so that makes me a bit nervous. I know that the only thing that can change is me. I am hoping that as she and I learn each other we will start to figure each other out and our interactions will become easier. Some of the time I think we both really get one another and I think enjoy each other... it's just hit and miss right now.

That's pretty cryptic... I'm not sure how to put it into words yet. We'll just have to see what happens.

Some of our best friends in southern Ontario, some friends from Winnipeg who are currently living in Guelph, are suddenly up and moving back home. One of them got a promotion that means moving. We are really sad about it. We haven't been seeing them as much as we would like to, and we were hoping to reconnect now that it's summer. They were also a key part of our trip to Algonquin last summer and we were hoping for a repeat trip this year. It's all around disappointing news. Of course we are happy for her that she got a promotion... we'll just miss 'em.

I have a multip - third baby - contracting every half an hour for going on two days now. She is begging us to just induce her (obviously not going to happen). She has gone into labour at 37 weeks with both of her previous pregnancies, and is now approaching 40 weeks. I have a midterm exam on Friday and we go off call tomorrow night at 9 pm to allow us time to study and sleep prior to the test. Since I have a really busy day planned tomorrow I am kind of hoping her labour holds off for one more night... of course I will be happy for her if she goes tonight. This is the balancing act I will be part of for the rest of my career! There's just no way to know what will happen.

Knock on Wood

2010-06-03T18:43:00.001-04:00

I'm afraid to say it's been a little quiet lately for fear of the universe making me pay for admitting such a thing. I'm knocking on wood... because, apparently, that's what midwives do. I am hoping for another quiet day or two while I nurse an incredibly sore throat.

I did have the fortune to attend a lovely birth this week - a second time mum whose ultrasounds were showing her baby to be in the 98th percentile for size... we were a little concerned about shoulder dystocia, but other than some sticky shoulders the mum birthed that baby impressively. It was the kind of birth that makes me stop and remember what an incredible career I'm heading towards and how blessed I am to do this work.

My preceptor has returned from holidays and everything has changed quite suddenly - her expectations are much higher. That's good, of course... I feel like I will be able to grow and learn a little better now that she is back. She seems a little more invested in having me learn and take on responsibility, I suppose because she's ultimately responsible for me. For me, though, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and nervous about dropping the ball somewhere... there is so much to keep organized. Visits to organize and/or attend, phone call check ins, induction bookings, consults to write/follow up on, charts to prepare, messages to return etc. Right now I'm keeping track of things in a few ways and I'm not sure any of them are working. A dayplanner would probably be best, but none of them that have large enough space to write in are appealing to have to carry around along with all the other million things I'm already carrying around. I suppose I will have to spend a fair bit of money on a really good one...? It seems that, like with bags, each midwife has her own favourite way to keep track of everything. Generally Blackberry's and iPhones, it seems... which I don't have.

I got my midterm evaluation date/time sorted out. Next Wednesday... eek. I can't believe we're already at midterm. I'm already thinking about some of the fun stuff I want to do in August to help unwind/mentally prepare for the fall semester.

We've started planning our canoe trip for August. I'm excited. We got a new tent and set it up in our kitchen. It's awesome! Unfortunately a couple of the friends that attended with us last year might not be able to make it this year due to moving back to Winnipeg a couple of years earlier than they thought they might. I guess that happens with Winnipeg. We'll see...

I also want to visit my parents, and maybe head up to Ottawa to visit friends too... I'm hoping if I go to Winnipeg Rob will be able to join me this time. He hasn't been back since the Christmas before last when he only stayed for three days. It would be amazing to go visit, spend some time at the cabin, etc. I am so curious if he would re-fall in love with it like I seem to whenever I visit. He doesn't think he will...

Aside from this killer sore throat, life is pretty good these days. Pretty good indeed.

Extremes

2010-05-29T12:43:00.002-04:00

Somehow - I'm not sure how - it's already nearly midterm. We have been instructed to make appointments with our tutors and preceptors to have a phone meeting to discuss our midterm evaluation for next week. I have sort of dropped the ball with this, mostly because of my uncertainty over who will be doing my evaluation. My actual preceptor returns from vacation on Monday and will not have spent any time with me up to this point. I should have clarified this before now... but I didn't. Here's hoping it all works out!

I'm interested to see how different my preceptor is from the midwife who has been my teacher up until now. I get the impression they are sort of opposite ends of the spectrum. The one I've been with throughout May is known for being super quick and efficient and somewhat conservative in her practice style. The one coming back next week is known for running behind, providing lots of discussion, being intuitive and liberal in her practice. I have found practicing with the first one to be challenging in several ways... and I'm sure the future holds many more, but different, challenges. I'm looking forward to it though.

Last night a few of the midwifery ladies from my class got together to go to the Doctors Without Borders refugee camp exhibit at Christie Pits Park. I was going off call for a couple of days and was excited to get together with them for the evening. I was late for the midwifery-specific tour and joined a public tour instead. A (rather cute) guy asked me "so, do you think things like this make a difference?" All I could say was that I just really hoped so. We had an interesting conversation while we waited for the tour to start. I was impressed with the tour. The exhibit was smaller than I expected, and yet they did a lot with it and had many groups going through at a time without it seeming disorganized. It was interesting to see how hard it was for some of the people on the tour to wrap their heads around things like bathing not being a priority in some people's realities. The woman who was our tour guide was a logistician - her responsibilities include, essentially, problem-solving any number of issues and complications that may arise in the provision of aid and health care to people in countries all over the world. The example she gave was finding a way to provide a medication or vaccination that requires storage at a temperature no greater than 25 degrees to people living in an area that is 50 degrees in the shade with no electricity. When the tour was over the (rather cute) guy asked me to have dinner with him. When I politely declined, he told me that I had good energy. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't flattering!

Following the tour, the midwifery ladies and I went for a walk and found a place to eat and have some drinks. After sharing a couple of pitchers, we were walking down the street and being really silly. Really silly. And loud. Screaming, essentially, about "gendering tail" - I won't get into it. And suddenly... there was my preceptor. She smiled and waved. I went over to her and said hello and she introduced me to her daughter. I told her I was with some midwifery student friends, and she said "well that explains why you were talking about 'gendering tail'. I wondered what that was about." Her daughter said "yeah, I was thinking to myself 'gendering tail'?" I realized at that moment just how loud and obnoxious we must have been. I laughed and said that my friends were being silly and I didn't know what they were talking about. Then I awkwardly said "well... see ya Monday!" I tried to walk away quickly but being part of a pack of 5 of us made that more difficult. Today the whole thing is even more embarrassing. Truthfully though, she didn't seem the least bit bothered, and even joked to my friends "yup - I'm the teach!" Sheesh. In a city of two and a half million people, you'd think one could go out and be a little anonymous!

In any case, going out was a lot of fun and has given me some renewed energy just like it always does. If only I could convince myself to do it more often! I still really have to learn how to be able to live a normal life while I'm on call...

Week 3 - Check In

2010-05-24T19:14:00.001-04:00

It has been exactly three weeks since the day I walked into the clinic for the first time and began this placement.

In those three weeks I have missed a back up due to being called too late, missed a precipitous birth which turned into an unplanned unattended homebirth, attended a homebirth where EMS was called for a flat baby who, upon resuscitation, did not need to transfer into the hospital, attended a 15-hour back up that started with us in the primary role while the actual primary midwife and student slept but went long enough that they came back before the birth, and attended two superlong primip PROMs with meconium, one of which ended in a c-section and the other of which resulted in the baby being transferred to the special care nursery.

I understand that the name of the placement I am currently in is Consultations & Complications, but I suppose I thought that would simply be the focus of our tutorials... I wasn't so much expecting everything practical to be complicated and require consults! I know that few births are totally normal and they are all different... but it sure would be nice to attend a few that had a bit less going on!

I'm really enjoying the practice, the midwives and the other students. The more I get into the swing of things, the more I feel grateful for being placed there. While I know the students in Toronto are being told over and over that there won't really be any jobs when we graduate, I still feel that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

In other news, our latest foster kitty, Graham, was just delivered to his "forever home". Rob and I miss him. Marve doesn't! Another rescue will be coming over on Wednesday... it's kitten season at the shelter, so every rescue helps!

Staying above water...

2010-05-06T19:48:00.001-04:00

After my "month off" (full of an intensive in Sudbury and lots of preparation for my next placement) I'm back at it - I started my placement at the clinic where I will be for the next year. So far so good - the midwives, admin staff and other students have all been great. The clinic has recently undergone renovations and is really nice. I feel really fortunate, and have been remembering to take time to feel gratitude. It's been a gentle beginning - introduction, hospital tour, clinic visits this week, but no births. I am on call and know that "first page" could come at any time - and that's when the ball really starts rolling!

One of the things I realized recently was that one of my biggest fears of this upcoming year has been that I will go back into the unhappy sort of numb head-space I was in during my first midwifery placement and last summer. I've been feeling so happy and enjoying life so much more for the last year that I just don't want to think about heading back into that darkness. And the last week or so, I really felt how it could happen - I was getting overwhelmed and stressed, my back started hurting, I was wanting nothing more than to lay down when I get home... so I know I need to work on my energy level and staying above water. I don't want to end up with Rob "taking care of" me again - that's not the life I want to live! I do think I'm a happier person these days... so, lots of vitamin B, exercise, friends, and rest, and hopefully all will be well!

My preceptor seems really wonderful. The other day on the phone, before we'd met in person, she said: "So, you're from Winnipeg, eh? I know a song about Winnipeg." She then proceeded to sing "I loooove Winnipeggg" to the tune of "One Great City" by the Weakerthans (video posted two posts ago). It was the best thing in the world. I hated to tell her the line is actually "I HATE Winnipeg", but when I did she laughed and said "oh THAT'S right!"

I have decided to take the whole conversation as a very good sign for this upcoming year.

... the paper from hell...

2010-04-05T13:11:00.001-04:00

Still not done.

I had an extension until tonight, midnight. This seemed perfectly adequate at the time. However, now that we are at 1:05 pm on the due date itself, it no longer seems possible.

I'm so jealous of my friends who are DONE! How I dream to be done....

Can't, Won't, Don't Want To

2010-04-03T14:39:00.005-04:00

I am writing my last paper of my midwifery degree. The last one. There are no more papers after this one. And I... can't... do... it...

It's like every fibre of my being is resisting it! I have everything I need - I'm back in Toronto in the comfort of my own apartment... Rob is at work... it's peaceful... I have tea... all the windows are open... the cats are sleeping. There is no reason it should be this HARD.

Why is it so tough? Better yet, HOW can I get it done? I am completely lacking in focus and motivation. All I want to do is go outside where it's sunny and warm, and pretend this paper doesn't exist.

I'm happy to be home with Rob... and Marve. But... I really miss Winnipeg.

Everything I Need

2010-03-26T10:37:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in ages. I have tried several times, only to realize I had way too many things to say and not enough words. The placements have carried on without a hitch. I have learned more than I would have ever thought possible. I can run clinic visits, answer questions, help women through labour, catch babies, suture perineums, do immediate newborn care, and do postpartum follow up. I'm not perfect - I'm still awkward, I blank on numbers, stats and lists, there are questions I can't answer, there are long pauses during my informed choice discussions... but I can get by. Last year at this time I was so run down, exhausted, disillusioned, frustrated and sore that I actually feared entering 3rd year. I just didn't think I'd ever be ready. Now I face the end of the final semester with nothing but an enormous paper to write (sigh) and realize... I did it. And I don't feel too bad.

We have exactly one month of rest before our 4th year placements begin. The month "off" is not even entirely ours, as we have an 8 day intensive learning session in Sudbury smack dab in the middle of it. But I'm kind of excited to drive up and see all the women that I haven't seen since the late summer. Catch up and see what experiences everyone has had. It will be nice.

For the last placement of this year - our elective - I chose to return to Winnipeg for one month in a midwifery clinic. My intention was to learn the ways in which Manitoba midwifery differs from that in Ontario. I chose to do it this way so I could see some friends and family and use it as sort of a visit as well as a learning experience. Last time I did this - in October - I stayed with some friends, but this time my mom expressed how much she wanted me to stay with them, and she even made a little bedroom in what used to be the sewing room "just in case" I needed it. And, honestly, by the time I was done my OB placement in Ontario, I was worn down and wanted nothing more than a comfy bed in the corner of my parents' house. I have spent most of the month - except for a week of cat-sitting at a friend's house - being taken care of by my mom. Less than a week from flying back to Toronto, I feel rejuvinated, rested and restored.

What I did NOT expect was to fall in love with Winnipeg midwifery and the midwives themselves. I did not expect them to fall in love with me. Right now all I can think about is how to swing it so we can come back here when I graduate next spring.... the only hitch is that Rob is in school too and won't be finished! The wheels are turning...

"Home isn't where our house is, but wherever we are understood."
- Christian Morganstern

It's true...

2010-02-05T17:15:00.000-05:00

... it really is funny how something can seem such a big deal one day and so insignificant the next. I feel much better. I had a very crazy and stressful day with another OB at the hospital today... but it ended well.

I did a lot of laughing at myself. It felt good.

And now I'm home in my comfy clothes with a cat on my lap... happy. Ah life!

:)

Midwifery is... catching?

2010-02-04T21:44:00.002-05:00

One of the things that was worrying me about having all placements at the same hospital so far was how disorienting it was going to be when I needed to move on to a different one.

It turns out I was right to worry (for once) - being in a new hospital is really, really tough!

I started my OB placement this week. However, the OB who will be my preceptor is not working much this week, so she arranged for me to work with her partner for a few shifts. Yesterday she urged me to go find the partner OB at the hospital during her call shift. I wasn't expected to stay for the whole thing, but just go and see if I could get some exposure to "interesting stuff" and stay for as long as I wanted. It was a bit of a disaster, because she wanted me to go do a delivery while she was busy with something else. I didn't have time to tell her I am not comfortable doing deliveries...

... long story short, catching babies - the epitome of midwifery - is a skill I have not yet developed. In the grand scheme of things, it is a small part of what midwives do, and so I have tried not to worry about the fact that I still need to work on it. When the baby's head crowns, I get all kind of panicky, don't know where to put my hands and just generally end up freezing. At this point, someone has always taken over. I feel that all I need is a verbal cue to snap me back into action, but I haven't had that experience yet. And so while I have been "hands on" in the catch of many babies... I have yet to get comfortable doing the catch entirely on my own.

This particular delivery ended up being precipitous, meaning FAST - and when I arrived in the room there were about a million nurses in there bustling about. They told me the head was crowning. Did I want to do the delivery or did I want them to do it? Mustering all the false confidence I could, I said that I could do it. I put my gloves on and went over. I felt like I was on stage with all those nurses watching me. I had never been inside this hospital prior to this, none of the nurses knew me and not one of them was a familiar face to me. Everything felt foreign, and I didn't even have my real teacher there to support me. The head was born, restituted and then... I froze. Thankfully the OB had arrived, and she took over... she talked me through her actions, "anterior shoulder, posterior shoulder". Then I grabbed the wrong things off the birth tray... she had to clamp and cut the cord, everything. I was totally disoriented. I appeared useless and pathetic - and I'm not just being hard on myself. To top it all off, the mom had a second or third degree laceration that the OB repaired... although I know that is not my fault, I feel responsible, like maybe if I had known what I was doing I could have avoided it somehow.

I'm ashamed to even admit this happened.

When it was over, the OB told me that I was free to go since there was nothing more going on. I walked away from the hospital feeling humiliated. Since it happened I have been trying to digest it and move forward, as I try to do with all "mistakes". But this one is so overpowering. So many factors intersect to make it worse than the experiences I've had before. New hospital, new nurses, new teacher - not my real teacher and likely does not really want to have to be responsible for me - my most uncertain skill, and no ability to communicate about the experience afterward. Why didn't I just tell the nurses to complete the catch when they asked? I keep seeing that baby's head sitting on the perineum and my head just didn't tell me what to do as I expected it to. Groooooaaaaan. I can admit that I have grown leaps and bounds in so many other skills - why did this have to happen within the first couple of hours ever in this hospital?!

The real kicker is that just that morning I had told my actual teacher OB that catching is a skill I need guidance and support and practice with during this placement because I am still uncertain about it, and she was very supportive! But no one at the delivery knew this - they only knew I said I could do it. And then I clearly could not.

I barely slept last night because I kept waking up, remembering and feeling sick, then going through the scenario again and again, thinking of what I could have done differently, or of how embarrassed I feel. I'm having such a hard time letting it go... I guess because as a third year - nearly fourth year - midwifery student I think it was fair of them to assume I would be able to catch a baby. The fact I couldn't feels so humiliating.

I have to meet my OB there in the morning because she told me she's to be in the OR... but weirdly, the assistants at the office didn't tell me about that... so I'm half expecting to arrive in the morning and no one will know what I'm talking about.

I'm feeling really down and really disoriented. But I'm trying to get back to being positive and laughing at myself! I'm aware there is a good chance I am making it a bigger deal than it is. But I can't seem to help it! What a roller-coaster...

... So Far So Good...

2010-01-15T12:04:00.003-05:00

I have been at the same hospital for nearly all my placements so far. The morning of my first L&D shift, I drove there on auto-pilot, distracted by mundane every-day thoughts - irritation with other drivers, the cold, the fact that I was running late. When the smell of disinfectant and the sounds of labouring women hit me as I walked onto the floor, I felt both comforted and a familiar sense of nervous anticipation. Several of the nurses greeted me with some amount of recognition, which was nice and helped me feel slightly more at ease!

The shifts have gone well so far. My preceptor is quite lovely - a single mother to three teenagers, she has tonnes of energy, an infectious cheerful and outgoing personality and a bit of a potty mouth, which she manages to keep mostly under wraps. She taught me, as her mother taught her, that "shit is a woman's word" - who knew??! She disappears to her car a few times per shift for secret cigarette breaks. She is clearly insecure about getting older, with a preoccupation with putting on lipstick and talking about grey hairs, despite the fact she is quite beautiful. We are pretty different, but we seem to get along well. So far I've really been enjoying our time together. My concern is that she is often running from room to room doing things without communicating with me. I'm never sure if I should just follow her or wait for her to invite me. Waiting seemed to be resulting in me missing out on some learning opportunities, so I have begun to follow her... but I do feel like a puppy dog. She doesn't seem to mind.

So far my fears of this placement have proven unfounded. Though I still think some of the nurses can act like "mean girls", I think it tends to be a product of how much time they all spend together. Not everyone has embraced me: many of them don't acknowledge my presence and one or two are downright rude, but many others are quite nice to me and even think of me when teaching opportunities arise. In any case, it's not nearly as hostile as I feared it might be. I am not really sure why I expected the worst!

***

It has been interesting to note how the type of care provided compares and contrasts with that of midwifery. During my last shift we had a "patient" in labour, comfortable with an epidural and doing just fine. In many ways it was similar to midwifery labours I had previously been to - until my nurse decided that the woman would probably like a "sniff of Pit" to help strengthen her contractions so she could have the baby sooner rather than later. She suggested it to the OB, who openly wanted the woman to have her baby sooner than later because she was tired and wanted to go to bed - and therefore said "sure, give her a sniff of Pit". So minutes later we were adding pitocin to her IV - I don't remember any discussions with the woman around her own feelings on being augmented. At the same time, her epidural was being turned down so she could feel whether she had any urges to start pushing. The woman quite quickly was in a lot of pain, crying, throwing up, etc because her contractions had become so strong and her epidural was down to nearly nothing... it all seemed kind of odd to me. We then turned her epidural back up... it was kind of a roller coaster, both for the woman and for me to watch. After two-three hours of guided pushing, the head appeared on the perineum and magically sat there while we called the OB. When the OB arrived, she put on gloves, caught the baby, did a few things and walked out again. I found the whole thing very fascinating - so much was similar to what I am used to, and so much was also different.

***

This weekend is my birthday. I have been trying to hint to Rob that I want to do something fun, but I haven't taken it into my own hands and planned something as I know I should have. I have been considering it, but I just haven't been able to decide what I want to do. Will another one come and go largely unnoticed? Hmm.

The Year We Make Contact

2010-01-04T13:06:00.004-05:00

I'm not really big into new year's resolutions.

That said, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year past. 2009 was an extremely difficult one, filled with discomfort, growth, sleep deprivation, moving, depression, laziness, dependency, resistance, loss, procrastination and a lack of any sense of motivation or accomplishment. It has had it's wonderful moments, of course - meeting new friends, the canoe trip to Algonquin, the realization that my midwifery goal is indeed possible. But as the last minutes ticked down towards 2010 I had a strong sense that I was very glad to be moving out of 2009. Perhaps it is a little naive or arbitrary, but I was struck with the sense of an opportunity to overhaul the way I have been... well, handling life.

Some things I discovered over the holidays:

Rob and I are an awesome team. Love is hard work, but also incredibly rewarding. I want to try to focus on the gifts love offers us, and not on the struggles.
My place within Rob's family is becoming more established and distinct. My voice carries more weight and I am less afraid to use it. And people laugh at my jokes and sarcasm - always a bonus! Marriage is an interesting journey of continual growth and change - I'm sure we've all been told this. Now, as I start to really see it unfold I become more and more fascinated with it.
I thrive without access to the internet for a few days! It forces me to wake up and look around.
I love doing more active things and going outside - it makes me feel joyful and clear-headed. This weird resistance to exercise and going outdoors is counterproductive and short-sighted. I need to just stop it!
The day-to-day things Rob and I are struggling with (being students, money, disorganization, communication, our definition of "home") are things that the other siblings also struggle with - we are not as "far behind" as I thought we were. I need to stop focusing on the ways in which we don't measure up because it's not necessarily true.
When distracted by having fun, connecting with family and being generally more aware of the things that are really important, I do not worry about and obsess over things that are out of my control. For example, I barely thought about the placement lottery at all!
I miss my connection to the moon. In the past, when I have been most connected, I felt loved and supported by and connected to the moon and the universe in general. My menstrual cycles started to match her cycles and my intuition was at its most powerful. The blue moon on New Year's Eve somehow spoke to me and made the loss of that relationship more poignant. It is simply time to start paying more attention.
I'm entering knowingly into an incredibly challenging year and it is key not to let the MEP overpower my life. I need to let it be a part of me, but not all of me. I need to keep doing things I enjoy that are completely un-midwifery-related so that I can strike a healthy balance. I can't live in fear of my pager! I can't let what happens on placement define me. I must maintain confidence, balance, connection. Give in to being a student - and as part of that, know that a student is not ALL that I am.

I'm excited about what the year brings. The realizations I've had have exposed the things I want as part of my every day life. I hope I'm up for the challenge. I don't want to feel disappointed in myself anymore. I'm going to focus on the little things I can do to start - a walk with Rob every day to build our connection and get outside. Getting back to yoga practice and finding other small ways to be active. Connecting with family by phone more regularly. Refusing to bail on friends just because I'm feeling lazy. Etc.

My first L&D shift was to start tomorrow evening at 7:30 pm for a 12-hour overnight. Just now as I was writing, I received a phone call from my nurse preceptor saying she has actually switched the shift to a day shift. Not only is the switch from night to day extremely welcome, the nurse sounded very warm and pleasant. I am going to go right ahead and take this as a very positive sign of things to come in 2010!

A Not-So-Welcome Holiday Surprise

2009-12-29T10:45:00.004-05:00

Maybe I'm slow to learn, but for some reason every time we have an issue come up with a foster cat, I'm surprised. What with Willow's surprise pregnancy, Otto's sudden death, Louie's fast and furious illness, and Monty the cave dweller, it should probably come as no surprise when an issue - large or small - pops up.

Since my last "cat post", we managed to get in touch with another foster family who had a little energetic kitten that wasn't really a match with the older, more laid back cats in the home. After much discussion we figured that Monty might be a better fit in their place, and the kitten a better fit in ours. The trade went off without a hitch, and Marve and the kitten, Kohl, began to play and play and play and play immediately. They love each other.

BFFs

Monty seems to be doing a little better in his new place too, so the switch all around seemed like the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, after a couple of days, the spots on Kohl's face that we thought were just scratches from another cat he may have pissed off turned into a huge round bare crusty patch. We suspect ringworm, a common and highly contagious (to humans AND other cats) fungus that takes many weeks to months to clear. Since we had finally, after much issue concerning health records etc, arranged for them both to go to a cat hotel for the few days we plan to be out of town visiting Rob's family, this was really stressful. We obviously can't bring a cat covered in infectious skin disease to a busy cat hotel.

I've had a few days to get used to the whole thing, and we've been treating the patches (there are now three) with cream. We've managed to arrange for Kohl to go to a vet for the time we're away to be assessed and taken care of (we assume it's ringworm but they will find out for sure). Marve will go to the cat hotel on his own. Poor guys - I hope they're not lonely without each other.

The next few days will be fun and challenging as we and the rest of Rob's siblings cram into the parents' place for some post-Christmas cheer. Here's hoping all goes smoothly. I start school with a bang when I get back - a 12-hour night shift on the L&D floor at the hospital. I've been told my preceptor is very nice... I'm straight-up nervous for this one so it will be good to get it started!

Reflections...

2009-12-19T21:33:00.011-05:00

I'm doing some reflection on friendship tonight. I've recently had a friend "break up" with me because of the belief that I disappointed and let her down beyond repair. She made this decision without any communication with me to ensure we are on the same page or that she has the right story. This person was a huge part of my community back home - a building block... family. I feel a little lost at the moment. Half of me feels tremendous guilt and sorrow for letting her down. The other half of me feels that friendship, in my mind, means communication, love, support and honesty. She has given me none of those things and I am battling some disappointment and anger of my own. It is hard for me to imagine a situation in which I would let someone as important to me as she was go without a fight. Maybe I wasn't as important to her.

My mind is going in so many directions with this. Not the least of which is wondering what effect it will have (or may have already had) on my community in Winnipeg. What will be there for me if we choose to go back? I'm not sure how to navigate a situation this icky. I feel a little too grown up for this. For the past three years I have been totally invested in working towards a career that, to me, requires maturity, intelligence, compassion and an open heart. I don't know where this kind of poison fits into all that. I also think that once I reached a certain age and place in life, I thought I was past certain things. Perhaps I am as upset as I am largely due to the element of surprise.

Are my ideas of friendship so naive? Maybe the key is to have friends who aren't too close so that you can't disappoint them? This is not the first time I've had a friend say that their expectations of me were higher than their expectations of others, and that I failed. I wonder how I manage to attract expectations so high. Anyway, I don't want to build walls - I crave close friendships. I am often envious of people who have strong connections with childhood friends, or a "group" of friends they share everything with. I know many people like this, but have only fleetingly experienced it. There are numerous depictions on television. I wish I had friends like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda to be brutally honest with me. And why don't I have friends like Rachel and Monica living across the hall? Would it help if we had a hall? Perhaps we simply moved into the wrong building.

Perhaps it's just another sign that Winnipeg is no longer "home". The contemplation of "home" is another major topic on my mind these days. Home is pretty up in the air for me these days. The lottery for our final year placement has brought this close to the surface again. I am trying not to be attached to this apartment in case we need to move again. But focusing on the pitfalls of the place - the lack of heating, the expensive utilities, the noise from the neighbours... just depresses me. No, I'm going to have to continue to let my meaning of "home" evolve, and take things one day at a time. And maybe Winnipeg can always be home in my heart regardless of friend drama.

I guess only time will tell.

Anti-climax

2009-12-12T10:03:00.006-05:00

All I ever talk about is cats.

I think it's because cats provide a cute, fuzzy distraction from the growing pains inflicted by the MEP. I am currently doing 5 assignments and studying for Wednesday's exam... and by that I mean I am watching my cats.

The truth is, I am not at all sure about this new foster cat, Monty. He has been here for four days, so I know it's too early to tell - but so far he rarely emerges from under the bed and when he does he really, really dislikes Marve. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, the lottery information came out this week... it's always a little anti-climactic because we wait so long to see what our choices will be, and then suddenly there they are and it's kind of just what you expected and the actual lottery isn't run for another month and there is still ages before we'll know where we'll be next year. I'm feeling happy they've split Toronto up into four regions (it used to be all one). Since we have to submit four choices, that means I can submit all Toronto and not have to come up with creative ideas on how we can move away without having Rob drop out of school... of course there is always the possibility that I will "fall out" of the lottery like last year, end up with none of my choices and have to pick from the scraps.... but we're not going to think about that.

So right now I simply need to focus on memorizing protocols and guidelines, textbooks and manuals. No big deal!

Winnipeg has been in a deep freeze this past week and I am ever-happy to be away from it. I'm uncomfortable here and it's only -10ish... I miss the prairies, but I am not sure how I can go back to that. And so the eternal debate on where we'll end up continues...

Winter...

2009-12-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

It's officially December. Many of us are only just past halfway done the web course, so we're scrambling to finish and study for the exam next Wednesday... it doesn't seem possible, but we have to try!

We had class yesterday morning, and discussed things like the lottery (first we were told to expect news on November 30th, then December 4th, then December 8th... and then our tutor told us even December 8th - today - is unlikely so we shouldn't hold our breath...), next semester, and the exam. By the time class was over I just felt overwhelmed. Rob made me do yoga and have a shower to calm down (it worked)! I really need to take it just one day at a time...

On Saturday our friends from Guelph came up to visit - we made dinner and watched christmas movies. Good times. The next day we went out for breakfast (I have dreams about the BLAT at Nirvana) and then shopping for presents. The family pulled names to see who we would buy for this year. One of the family members we got is somewhat hard to buy for. We bought her a necklace after much deliberation, but now I don't think I like it. I might take it back. The truth is, we may not really figure presents out until after exams - and cards are unlikely to happen this year. Siigh.

Anyway, after we returned home and our friends were on the bus back to Guelph, we received a phone call from a guy and his girlfriend wanting to come and meet Wally. The guy sounded a little strange on the phone and I got nervous about letting Wally go. He had really become our little "bug"; our little "meatball"... well when these two arrived, I could see that they were very excited about Wally. They loved him, and didn't mind his little quirks in the least - and clearly were going to provide him with a pretty pampered life. They decided to take him home right then and there! I admit I called about two hours after they left to see how Wally was settling in... and they said he was doing great. He had been bold enough to explore the entire place - coming up to them every few minutes with little purrs and headbutts, and had slept on a chair between them while they ate their supper. Oh Wally! The guy said he would be happy to call me every now and then with updates... I really hope he does.

We are to pick up our new foster cat, Monty, today from Beth. I had been a little nervous about how Marve would react to his "little brother" disappearing... and honestly, I'm amazed! He has taken it all in stride. He is still sleeping (mostly) through the night, and even sleeps on our bed or on the chair in our room. He's been affectionate and ... well, just easy! Monty is a 3 year old guy - a big difference from the "teenagers" we've had with Louie and Wally. I hope Marve is okay with an "older" guy - and I hope Monty is okay with Marve! In all honesty... I'm a bit nervous to see how an older cat adjusts. Apparently he has lived in a cage for two whole months... poor guy. I can't wait to meet him.

The days are cold and dark and short lately. I'm way more tired than I was even just a month ago - its amazing how our bodies respond to the seasons! Still, I'm so happy to live in a place where winter doesn't start until December...

Right-o... back to the grind.

Seven-O and Go

2009-11-27T15:39:00.004-05:00

The paper got done - and while I'm not proud of it, I can't help but hear the words of a recent midwifery-grad echoing in my head...: "7-0 and go!" She maintained that the only way to get through the MEP was to believe in this refrain and be happy with a passing grade rather than my ideal grade. Hmm. Not my usual motto, but I'm starting to see her point.

I had a sudden realization this week that next week is December - our final exam is on December 16, and I'm less than halfway done my coursework for the fall semester. I have a lot of work to do, and fast! In the meantime, I'm holding my breath for the release of the 4th year lottery placement choices. I want to get that show on the road so I know where I'm placed for next year. Will Rob and I have to move again? Half of me feels that, karmically, because I had such bad luck in the last lottery, I am due to get my first choice this time. I can't get screwed both times, right? But the other half of me knows all too well how it feels to receive an email stating that I didn't get any of my choices... and how real that possibility is. I just have to trust it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to...

The potential adopter for Wally called me the day after my last post to let me know they had fallen in love with another cat. It hurt a little bit! But I understood. Then he said that they had had a really good time with us and maybe sometime we'd want to go for a drink with them? I said "for sure!" and so we're hoping to do that this upcoming week. So that's fun.

This week we've had friends from Winnipeg staying with us and it's been great. We went to see Edward Sharpe - a show I never would have gone to otherwise and it was awesome. Totally wild - I had no idea what to expect... which made the fact that it was totally surreal all the better. They're weird. The whole thing had a distinctly cultish vibe.... iinteresting. We had so much fun.

We also went to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox - it's great. So so great. Go see it.

Yesterday a midwifery bud came over and we ranted about placements and coursework and our papers. We ate an entire batch of cookies and drank a pot of coffee and three pots of tea. It was therapeutic.

So we've been busy. And I've been happy. But I probably need to do some homework if I want to pass... and I do!

Everything and Nothing

2009-11-20T14:31:00.005-05:00

The other night, the guy and his roommate came by to meet Wally. They didn't bring a cat carrier - they weren't planning to adopt that night, they just wanted to meet him. They were meeting a few cats and still had to make a decision and buy supplies before they could adopt. They were really cool and interesting, and they ended up hanging out for nearly two hours just chatting with us. It was an unexpected and fun evening. When they left I felt certain I'd hear from them about wanting to adopt Wally... however, I haven't heard from them yet. So maybe they fell in love with someone else. Wally was kind of tired that evening and not his super-cute normal self. Oh well - more time with him for us!

It's funny how we can go weeks and weeks without any plans, and then everything happens on the same night. Tonight our friends from Guelph are in town to hang out with some of their friends, and have invited us out. Also my girly book club meets tonight. And the potential cat adopters mentioned where they'd be tonight if we wanted to drop by.

I also have a paper due at midnight tonight, and do you think I'm working on it? No, I'm writing a blog. I have a serious procrastination problem... but this is nothing new. In any case, I'm really enjoying my day. Tea, music, cats, and internet at home for the first time in three days.

I'm half wondering if we're going to end up staying in tonight, as we tend to do. Maybe, if I'm still paper-writing, Rob will go out without me. He deserves it.

The Art of Letting Go...

2009-11-18T12:39:00.007-05:00

To update from my last post... sadly, our beloved little Louie passed away at the vets the very day after I wrote. It was hard. I wished we had just kept him home with us if he couldn't be helped. I feel guilty and awful that he died alone, in isolation, in the basement at the vet clinic. I hope he knows he was loved.

While I was in Winnipeg, Beth rescued Walker (Wally) for us. Rob went and picked him up, and took care of him for two weeks before I got home. He kept him and Marve separate for a week, then slowly integrated them. I'm so proud of my "not-a-cat-person" husband! Wally had gone into the shelter a stray - skinny, flea-bitten, almost fur-less and covered in scabs. He lived there for far too long before he was rescued.

Wally before

I came home from Winnipeg to a brand new Wally! He has filled out, grown, his fur is growing in fluffy and soft and he plays ALL the time. He is so sweet and funny. He sleeps on the bed at night, and has even got Marve doing the same. Marve wakes us up a little less often during the night. Overall, we've got a good thing going.

However, yesterday the reality of fostering kicked in when we received a phone call from a guy who saw Wally's photo and bio (which had only gone up two days before), and wants to come over to meet him. He is coming tonight with his roommate. Rob and I are working on being okay with the possibility that he may not be with us beyond tonight. We love him so much already... but we know that if we adopt him we won't be able to continue fostering (my allergies can't handle more than two right now). And fostering is really important to us. So we have to let go.

Wally now

I had a good experience in Winnipeg. A month got a little long to be away from home, but the prairie air gave me so much energy and motivation. I walked everywhere. We had a real, full-blown fall so I didn't miss out after all. I spent time with people who make me happy. I had a gorgeous room in my friends' gorgeous house to live and study in. And the placement was challenging, but really rewarding. I had to fight to make it a good experience a little bit, since none of the doctors or NPs had ever had a midwifery student before, and weren't sure what to do with me. But we made it work, and by the end I felt I had improved visibly in some basic clinical skills. I was so impressed with the clinic itself. If we ever were to end up back in the 'Peg, I would be honoured to work there.

Since being home from Winnipeg, I have done nothing but sit. I sit in pyjamas and stare at the tv, stare at the cats, stare out the windows. I have tried to do homework, but despite my previous resolve to do nothing but for the rest of the term, I can't bring myself to do it. And I feel like a broken record for saying this all again. Still. Why is it so hard to find motivation?

Today we lost our (borrowed) internet connection, so I packed up my stuff and hiked down to the library. So here I am. Ready to write a paper. Procrastinating, maybe just a little. But it's about to happen.

An Unfortunate Lesson in Multi-Tasking

2009-10-08T14:34:00.008-04:00

There is no longer any denying it is autumn as the temperature falls and the leaves begin to turn. Definitely one of my top 5 favourite things about Ontario is the long and beautiful autumn, something I didn't even know I was missing back in Winnipeg!

I have one more shift in the NICU before I move on to my second placement of the year. The NICU has been wonderful, and I think it serves as an important addition to the MEP that we spend some time there. I am more comfortable with babies, I can recognize numerous risk factors/abnormal signs, I have more experience helping moms with breastfeeding, I have built important relationships with the nurses, and I have been exposed to a lot of NRP. I feel ready to move on. Next stop is the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg.

The truth is, this placement in Winnipeg was once really exciting but as it creeps up on us I'm looking forward to it a little bit less. The placement itself should prove to be really valuable and I'm certain it will be a good experience. It's really just timing. First of all, it means I'm going to miss the best parts of autumn in Ontario. But more importantly, there's stuff going on at home that I don't really want to leave right now. We got our foster cat last Friday and he is a gorgeous and adorable 16-week old named Louie. For one whole day he was playful, affectionate and happy. Then he started sleeping... and sleeping... and sleeping... and sneezing... etc. It seemed like it would pass and we were looking forward to getting on with introducing him and Marve. Then he stopped eating and drinking. He was really lethargic and spacey. We started to force feed him with a syringe... but he was having none of it. Yesterday we brought him to the vet, who confirmed he was dehydrated and needed an IV and an overnight. I called this morning expecting news of Louie being on his way to better and a time we could go pick him up. Sadly, that was not the news I got. He is not better, and is impossible to force feed. They wanted to insert a feeding tube. They also suspect possible distemper... an illness that results in death 60-90% of the time. So now we are preparing ourselves for the fact that Louie may not be coming home.

With all this going on the past week, it has been really hard to focus on homework. I'm falling majorly behind, and with a 12-hour shift tomorrow, dinner with Rob's parents on Saturday night and a move to Winnipeg on Sunday I can't really imagine how I'm going to write a paper and catch up on all the work I have to do. There are several things that are so late that when I think of them it makes me feel literally nauseous.

It will all get done, right?

We'll see.

Louie

Tagging Along For the Ride...

2009-09-04T14:21:00.008-04:00

Again it's been a long time since I last posted. Summer ended up being pretty busy and fun in the end, and the five-day canoe trip in Algonquin Park was one of my favourite things I have ever done. We are hoping to do it again next year, and I can't wait. I had no idea my body was capable of standing up to the amount of exertion it did that week!

Rawr.

These days, the anxiety that was so nicely packed away for several weeks has reared its ugly head and once again I feel powerless to stop it from consuming me. Why is being positive not enough?! It has a lot to do with money issues and Rob and I dealing with last minute preparations to go back to school. It's funny how school arrives like a surprise every fall, even when you knew it was coming all summer.

Speaking of school, at some point my desire to go back did arrive! I was almost certain I had seen the last of that sensation. Many later-years midwifery students had told me that the desire to be with women and babies DOES come back, but I felt so overwhelmed by the winter placement that I honestly couldn't see that happening. But here I am; it happened.

This year - my third - will be a little different. Rather than midwifery-focused placements, we do a series of one-month placements with complementing health care professionals. My first placement will be in a NICU, and after that I am off to the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg for a month. In January and February I will be doing a month with an OB and then a month with the L&D nurses. In March we have an elective placement, and I have chosen to do a month with midwives in Winnipeg. Our fourth year begins in May, which will be a year-long midwifery placement with increasing responsibility. I think of it as "The Beast", and it terrifies me... but I'm just gonna cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm pretty excited about the placements this year. They will be challenging, but will involve a different kind of pressure.

Meowrve

Rebirth...

2009-08-12T17:38:00.005-04:00

Arrived home last night from a life-changing two-weeks in Winnipeg. I haven't figured out how to put into words what was so life-changing about it. It was the first time I thought that perhaps we will end up back in Winnipeg after all this school stuff is done. Spending time with people I love who love me back was incredible. It's so easy to hang out with people who love you for who you are. I felt SO positive by the time I left that I was motivated to bring that positivity back to Toronto with me. So far so good, but after almost 24 hours of being home I'm feeling a little bored and unfulfilled. No friends to call up here - and it turns out that calling up friends to hang out is my favourite part of summer and I just never realized it before because I took the ability to do it for granted.

It makes me wonder how many things I take for granted that I don't even realize?

As part of all of this I am motivated to be more of a partner to Rob. I can't rely on him to do every little thing while I lie around depressed. Today I cleaned out the fridge and freezer, joined Costco and stocked the kitchen. I made him lunch and am moving on to supper soon while he has a nap. He got a job and we are so thrilled!

Today I talked to a recent graduate of the midwifery program / friend from my placement clinic, and she raved about how much she loved third year since there is not the same pressure to perform as there is with the second and fourth year midwifery placements. I am truly finding my desire to go back to school - a feeling I never thought would return.

Not much of a blog post, but it'll have to do for now. I feel I have a lot of thinking to do on all that has shifted inside me in the last two weeks.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Midwifery Student

2009-07-26T16:59:00.013-04:00

So, of course I was KIDDING and have not continued to demand things like pancakes from Rob just because the fortune teller said I should.

However, seeing her has given me some food for thought. I find myself considering her statements on how everything in my life really just looks so good right now and for at least the next year, and how I need to focus on enjoying what is happening now instead of worrying about things down the line. She repeatedly said my worrying is unfounded.

Isn't it always? I've always kind of known that in my more laid back moments.

But, ever since she said it, I have been working harder on it and it has been effective. I have been appreciating what is around me more deeply. I have been worrying less. I am less anxious about the fact that Rob doesn't have a job, or that I should be doing more. Instead I think about how long we spent living apart, and how lucky we are to have this whole summer together. Overall I've been feeling grateful for the simple things. More aware of how small my negativity really is against the universe. I feel I have a little more perspective.

Finally.

With these thoughts in mind I've been considering my relationship with midwifery - and with being a midwifery student in particular. I've been so afraid of school starting again in the fall and so preoccupied with feeling bruised by last year that all I could feel when thinking about midwifery was... well, dread. Some time has passed and I have been able to reflect and consider why this is. I have considered why it was so hard. Not just hard, but so, so, so hard. Surely it must all be in my attitude and my approach. I don't want to feel so unhappy, so afraid of the pager going off, and so afraid of whether I know what I'm doing or not. So afraid I might never "get there." I can't live like that! I'm in the MEP to learn, and I want to learn. I really do think I could be good at this job if I can just survive being a student. I have to figure out how to do that.

I need to remember to have gratitude. My friend Dawn always speaks of having gratitude, and it's a wonderful reminder. It's so important. And I do feel so grateful to be a midwifery student, to be on my path to midwifery, to be able to build relationships with these women and be with them during their own journeys, and to have met the friends I have in the other students.

So then, the hardest parts of placement. I have been considering what they were for me now that I have had some time to think about it. The hardest of all for me were feeling awkward and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be asked a question I couldn't answer. I didn't want to have to stumble through an awkward newborn exam while everyone looked on.

But isn't that all ego stuff? I'm not always going to know the answers - and no one would expect me to. And maybe awkwardness is part of the student game. Can I picture any of my colleagues running through all their newborn exams, informed choice discussions, and vaginal exams without any awkwardness? Surely I can't be the only one. I can't be the only one feeling at a loss in the delivery room at times. This is new to all of us.

But maybe I'm one of the only ones who fears it, hates it, dreads it. Maybe, like so many have said, I need to stop worrying so much. Which brings me back to the fortune teller's message. So simple and yet so difficult!

Back in May, I knew I was going to use my time this summer to attempt to process last winter's placement and try to find my way towards feeling ready to continue. But, the truth is, I honestly didn't believe I would achieve any of that, and so, of course, I worried. Finally, though, I'm really starting to think I WILL be able to continue... and, well... it's a really good feeling.

Snobbypants

2009-07-20T09:59:00.005-04:00

I had a really good time in Ottawa. I loved the long drive there and back, singing along at the top of my lungs with my new car stereo. I loved finally seeing my friend's place that I've heard so much about - it was really nice. I loved spending the week with three cats, one of whom was Willow! We had this idea that we would talk about whether I should bring her back with me or not. But when I saw her there, I realized how good she has it. The backyard is beautiful, and she has Bugsy to play with. Juniper and Willow don't really get along, but they do seem kind of used to each other. I think, as we had discussed earlier, they really will be fine when they have more space. Oh how I love her! And so, we decided she should stay put.

I had my palm and gypsy cards read by a fortune teller. My friend had a reading by her a few weeks ago and was impressed, so we went back for a more detailed reading for her and a basic one for me. The fortune teller told me I have very beautiful "air hands", which indicate that I am extremely intellectual and detail-oriented in the way I think, that I hate stupid people very much - although I would never show it on the outside, and that I am seen by other people to be quite "snobby" and cold on first impression. I experience no major health issues to speak of, and she sees no reason why I do not live a long life (into my 80s), although there may be some digestive issues and perhaps something in the low back - arthritis? She saw no career to speak of - at least not one that plays a major role in my life. She said she could see that I am good at many things, but don't really excel at any one thing. She could see that I am fragile in my health, and that I get tired and fatigued easily. She said this should not be a problem as long as I get more than 8 hours of sleep every night and don't go into any line of work where I would have to work during the night (perfect, that fits right in with the life of a midwife... oh wait...). She saw two children - likely a girl and a boy, with the girl coming first, but not soon (phewf). My marriage is strong and there is lots and lots of love from my husband who treats me like a princess (then she said "he probably calls you a princess, doesn't he?" Ummmm.... yeah, he does. Ahem.). She saw a small line alongside the marriage line which indicates EITHER that my husband and I live fairly independent lives, OR that there is an affair (you know, either or, no big deal.). She said I am a person who needs to be shown love through lots of attention, gifts and affection and that I need to stop "hinting" to my husband and start being more specific - i.e. "Look at these flowers! Let's buy some." instead of "Wow, these flowers are really pretty.... sigh....". Incidentally, this made me laugh a lot. I can't count how many times I've done the latter (with no results!). She saw no travel to speak of, especially not through work. This made me sad. And she kind of recommended that I would make an ideal housewife. The weirdest part of all was when she said that there is someone in my life who has caused me pain or suffering, but that I should not worry - they will get what they deserve. Whoa! I have no idea who this might be, nor do I usually wish anyone pain or suffering... but when I said this, she looked confused for a second but then said that no, this type of card reading is rarely, if ever, wrong so I should just think about it for a few days and see what comes to me.

All in all it was a strange thing to try to process. Overall she told me things in my life are extremely positive right now and that these "tears on the bottom of my heart" are not necessary. She urged me to try to take things a day at a time and stop worrying about the future because I can't control it and it is making me miss things that are happening right now - for example, worrying about where my placement will be in two months makes me miss enjoying my summer with my husband. She said she foresees the next year being quite pleasant for me with no real upsets. This is glorious news! And here I thought I was in for another painful year of midwifery education.

We shall see what the future holds, but for now I am inspired to do my best to take it a day at a time.

Incidentally, the hubby is currently making pancakes for me. This morning I said "wouldn't you like to make pancakes like that time you made them and they were soooo good?" and he replied "you've been up longer than me and I don't see YOU making pancakes." So I thought about the fortune teller's words and tried this "Make me pancakes." It worked... maybe she really DOES know what she's talking about!

Closing the "Couch Surfing" Chapter

2009-07-12T22:22:00.006-04:00

It's been a few lonely months, as I have mentioned. When I was done school for the summer in May, I felt bruised and battered from a long, hard semester. All I wanted to do was turn off my phone and my pager and hunker down for lots of sleeping and eating. Rob, husband extraordinaire, provided me with lots of TLC and I worked on processing all of the clinical learning I had experienced.

Eventually, the rest and relaxation turned into lying around and feeling guilty about it. It got so I didn't know what to do other than wake up late, move to the couch, move back to bed. Needless to say, I've been getting pretty unhappy about it. We don't have next summer off, and there is a long, hard two years ahead. I made a conscious decision not to work this summer so that I could really enjoy my "free" time. I have known for awhile now that I need to get my act together.

So, I have taken matters into my own hands and filled up my schedule. I mentioned the trip to Winnipeg, but I didn't mention that I am also driving up to Ottawa to visit a friend for a few days this week, and some friends have planned a canoe trip to Algonquin Park in August. We drove down to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend, and we have friends from Guelph coming to visit for a night next weekend.

Immediately after all this schedule-filling, an acquaintance in Toronto asked me when I was free since she suddenly has more free time. After weeks upon weeks of feeling friendless and lonely, I suddenly couldn't even think of a single day I was next free for dinner.

Since that day, the requests to hang out have been rolling in from other acquaintances in the city - people I'd just about given up hope on ever hearing from.

The Universe is funny that way.

After a couple of days in Niagara I'm feeling good about things. I know it's already July 12th, but in some ways my summer is just starting. I'm excited to see what it brings now that I'm up off the couch...

The Urban Canoeist

2009-07-10T11:44:00.008-04:00

I've been having problems with motivation this summer. What began as a summer of rest and relaxation designed to help me recover from the winter's midwifery placement - slash - prepare for the next two years of school has become a summer of being sloth-like and feeling guilty about it. I've been doing my darndest not to feel guilty, but with Rob having such trouble finding work I can't help it. I feel I should help somehow, but... I can't. Most ironic is that my health seems to be worse now than it was when I was a crazy overworked student.

So I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to feel better. The trip to Winnipeg is going to help a lot. I want to get up to Ottawa too. We're heading to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend. We went to Guelph to visit friends last weekend. Any kind of getting up and out of the apartment seems to help... duh! I also need to be more active. Yesterday we rented a canoe and paddled around Toronto Island for three hours. It was so awesome.

Bliss.

This swan chased us away from his little family (you can see them near the shore). I was seriously afraid he was going to break my arm.

Resting before heading back across the harbour. I'm assuming Toronto Island is typically busier than this. There was no one around and it was great! Thanks, garbage strike.

This kind of makes me love Toronto.

So that was good for us, even if renting the canoe (as with everything in Toronto, it seems) was a total rip off at $30/hour. It was worth it!

I'm thinking of our friends at Folk Fest this weekend. I've had my ups and downs with Folk Fest, but its often been a very happy place. Last year Rob and I had such a good time, despite the horrific weather. If nothing else, it's always been a place where your friends feel closer and music sounds sweeter. I miss being there. It's hard realizing I have no idea when I'll ever be able to go again.

Yup. It's lonely in Toronto.

... a tale of love...

2009-07-08T10:09:00.019-04:00

I've been missing Willow. And since it's clear that she is happy in her new home and will not need me to take her back, perhaps its time for another cat to come to live with us. I remember when I first invited her into my home - young, pregnant, scared and skinny from living on the streets of Sudbury during the winter. I had never lived with an animal who wandered the home at night. It had me lying awake listening to her feeling creeped out. But I got over that.

When Willow had babies in my closet, she wouldn't let me leave her side. When I went to bed that night, she lay down beside me on my bed and her belly would start heaving with contractions. I led her to the cozy box in the closet I had set up for her, and she followed. But when I walked back to bed, there she was by my side. She was scared. Of course I had an exam in the morning, because that's how these things work. And of course she didn't go into labour until nearly midnight. After she had the first kitten, a tiny mewing wet black and white ball, and I had called my next-door neighbour (also a midwifery student) over to help/oversee things with me, I decided it was time for bed. Willow seemed more comfortable with what was going on, and I needed the sleep. So I dragged my mattress to the closet and slept with one hand on the box so she would know I was there. I woke to faint mewing a few times throughout the night, but otherwise slept through. When I got up in the morning there were four kittens lined up along her belly - it was the most amazing sight I have ever seen! She was so proud. There were two little calicos, one orange and white tabby and the little black and white guy. Leaving to go to the exam was so hard.

Willow and I went through a lot together in just one year. The good and devoted girl that she is, she caught and brought me a dead mouse in the middle of the night once - also the night before a test. I screamed and flipped the mouse into a garbage bag so quick that Willow didn't know what had happened to it. She spent the night pouncing repeatedly on the bed in hopes of stirring him up again. We discovered that she is a terrible car cat. She poops, she pukes, she cries. It's a stinky messy business, which is tough when you are driving back and forth to Winnipeg from Subury! While she had the kittens she got sick. It was like all her life energy was being drained by these fast-growing little babies. She would often throw up, and one day she got all this poop in the fur on her tail. I had to hold her down and wash it out while we both cried. When we were leaving to go to Winnipeg for the summer last year, we had already decided we were taking Willow because some friends were going to adopt her. But when we took the 8 week kittens from her, her nipples got huge and swollen from the sudden lack of kittens suckling. We went and retrieved Otto - the tiniest kitten, and brought him with us. What a lovebug he turned out to be! He cuddled constantly, when he wasn't harassing Willow or playing. We fell completely in love with him. Then one day when he was about 12 weeks or so he got sick. We knew he'd been having trouble with eating, so we'd been working on it. We had called the vet and they advised it sounded like worms, so we were giving him the meds. We sat with him at every meal and tried to get him to eat. Willow wasn't letting him have any milk anymore, and he had gotten frighteningly thin. And then one morning he wasn't himself. I tore myself away from him that morning to go to work. When Rob got home, I was on the phone with him when he found Otto. He was still on the bed, not far from where I'd left him, and he was cold and stiff. We still have so much sadness and guilt - what could we have done to better help him?

Sweet Little Otto

Willow made my day, every day. When it got close to time for my friends to take her, I couldn't imagine life without her. When I was stressed and unhappy, she would make me laugh. Her new fam and I had the arrangement that if one of their cats didn't take to having Willow there, we would discuss her coming back to me. Happily for her, the anxious cat tolerated her and now she has kitty friends to play with and a loving home. She's a big round ball of hilarity these days - I still get pictures!

Heh heh

I have such huge guilt around the idea of owning a cat. My mother is severely allergic. She can walk into a room that once had a cat in it for a few minutes, and her throat will start to close, eyes puff up, skin itch. It's not the kind of allergy you can vaccum and put the cat away and have it be ok. If we have animals, it closes the door to her being able to come over and visit. This is sort of okay right now, but what about when we have children? Yet my heart is just aching to have that happy presence in the home, the one that brightens the room. But it's my mother! But... but... but... It causes me such inner turmoil!

A Moment of Pure Willow and Joc Love

... when in Rome...

2009-07-07T12:54:00.001-04:00

It's just time for me to do this, so here I am.

So I booked my flight to Winnipeg this morning. I almost never get phone calls, but while I was on the phone with the woman booking my flight, everyone decided to call me. The call waiting beeped the entire time, plus I got a buzz at the door from the mailman who has never buzzed before. My multitasking skills are out of practice, but I somehow got through it. And now I'm going to Winnipeg at the end of July/beginning of August for a purely social visit. So that's exciting.

I've been musing on being a prairie girl living in Toronto. I have never felt like a prairie girl before, but now, living here, I do. There are so many cars, so many people, so much to do... it's almost too much. In fact, I don't know how people do anything here at all - I mean, how do you choose? But more importantly, how do you meet people? My friend called Toronto the city that is no one's hometown. It's a good point. Most people here have come from elsewhere. So there must be other people that don't know people and would like to hang out. But it all takes so much work and energy. So, for now, no friends for us.

I received word from the office at school that my placement for the fall in Winnipeg is looking good. No confirmation yet though. That would be too certain, make life too easy. As we careen into July I'm getting a little nervous for the upcoming school year. Once it starts, that's it. No stopping til I'm all done. Is it really possible? I feel like I'll have to see it to believe it...