How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Midwifery Student

So, of course I was KIDDING and have not continued to demand things like pancakes from Rob just because the fortune teller said I should.

However, seeing her has given me some food for thought. I find myself considering her statements on how everything in my life really just looks so good right now and for at least the next year, and how I need to focus on enjoying what is happening now instead of worrying about things down the line. She repeatedly said my worrying is unfounded.

Isn't it always? I've always kind of known that in my more laid back moments.

But, ever since she said it, I have been working harder on it and it has been effective. I have been appreciating what is around me more deeply. I have been worrying less. I am less anxious about the fact that Rob doesn't have a job, or that I should be doing more. Instead I think about how long we spent living apart, and how lucky we are to have this whole summer together. Overall I've been feeling grateful for the simple things. More aware of how small my negativity really is against the universe. I feel I have a little more perspective.

Finally.

With these thoughts in mind I've been considering my relationship with midwifery - and with being a midwifery student in particular. I've been so afraid of school starting again in the fall and so preoccupied with feeling bruised by last year that all I could feel when thinking about midwifery was... well, dread. Some time has passed and I have been able to reflect and consider why this is. I have considered why it was so hard. Not just hard, but so, so, so hard. Surely it must all be in my attitude and my approach. I don't want to feel so unhappy, so afraid of the pager going off, and so afraid of whether I know what I'm doing or not. So afraid I might never "get there." I can't live like that! I'm in the MEP to learn, and I want to learn. I really do think I could be good at this job if I can just survive being a student. I have to figure out how to do that.

I need to remember to have gratitude. My friend Dawn always speaks of having gratitude, and it's a wonderful reminder. It's so important. And I do feel so grateful to be a midwifery student, to be on my path to midwifery, to be able to build relationships with these women and be with them during their own journeys, and to have met the friends I have in the other students.

So then, the hardest parts of placement. I have been considering what they were for me now that I have had some time to think about it. The hardest of all for me were feeling awkward and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be asked a question I couldn't answer. I didn't want to have to stumble through an awkward newborn exam while everyone looked on.

But isn't that all ego stuff? I'm not always going to know the answers - and no one would expect me to. And maybe awkwardness is part of the student game. Can I picture any of my colleagues running through all their newborn exams, informed choice discussions, and vaginal exams without any awkwardness? Surely I can't be the only one. I can't be the only one feeling at a loss in the delivery room at times. This is new to all of us.

But maybe I'm one of the only ones who fears it, hates it, dreads it. Maybe, like so many have said, I need to stop worrying so much. Which brings me back to the fortune teller's message. So simple and yet so difficult!

Back in May, I knew I was going to use my time this summer to attempt to process last winter's placement and try to find my way towards feeling ready to continue. But, the truth is, I honestly didn't believe I would achieve any of that, and so, of course, I worried. Finally, though, I'm really starting to think I WILL be able to continue... and, well... it's a really good feeling.

Snobbypants

I had a really good time in Ottawa. I loved the long drive there and back, singing along at the top of my lungs with my new car stereo. I loved finally seeing my friend's place that I've heard so much about - it was really nice. I loved spending the week with three cats, one of whom was Willow! We had this idea that we would talk about whether I should bring her back with me or not. But when I saw her there, I realized how good she has it. The backyard is beautiful, and she has Bugsy to play with. Juniper and Willow don't really get along, but they do seem kind of used to each other. I think, as we had discussed earlier, they really will be fine when they have more space. Oh how I love her! And so, we decided she should stay put.

I had my palm and gypsy cards read by a fortune teller. My friend had a reading by her a few weeks ago and was impressed, so we went back for a more detailed reading for her and a basic one for me. The fortune teller told me I have very beautiful "air hands", which indicate that I am extremely intellectual and detail-oriented in the way I think, that I hate stupid people very much - although I would never show it on the outside, and that I am seen by other people to be quite "snobby" and cold on first impression. I experience no major health issues to speak of, and she sees no reason why I do not live a long life (into my 80s), although there may be some digestive issues and perhaps something in the low back - arthritis? She saw no career to speak of - at least not one that plays a major role in my life. She said she could see that I am good at many things, but don't really excel at any one thing. She could see that I am fragile in my health, and that I get tired and fatigued easily. She said this should not be a problem as long as I get more than 8 hours of sleep every night and don't go into any line of work where I would have to work during the night (perfect, that fits right in with the life of a midwife... oh wait...). She saw two children - likely a girl and a boy, with the girl coming first, but not soon (phewf). My marriage is strong and there is lots and lots of love from my husband who treats me like a princess (then she said "he probably calls you a princess, doesn't he?" Ummmm.... yeah, he does. Ahem.). She saw a small line alongside the marriage line which indicates EITHER that my husband and I live fairly independent lives, OR that there is an affair (you know, either or, no big deal.). She said I am a person who needs to be shown love through lots of attention, gifts and affection and that I need to stop "hinting" to my husband and start being more specific - i.e. "Look at these flowers! Let's buy some." instead of "Wow, these flowers are really pretty.... sigh....". Incidentally, this made me laugh a lot. I can't count how many times I've done the latter (with no results!). She saw no travel to speak of, especially not through work. This made me sad. And she kind of recommended that I would make an ideal housewife. The weirdest part of all was when she said that there is someone in my life who has caused me pain or suffering, but that I should not worry - they will get what they deserve. Whoa! I have no idea who this might be, nor do I usually wish anyone pain or suffering... but when I said this, she looked confused for a second but then said that no, this type of card reading is rarely, if ever, wrong so I should just think about it for a few days and see what comes to me.

All in all it was a strange thing to try to process. Overall she told me things in my life are extremely positive right now and that these "tears on the bottom of my heart" are not necessary. She urged me to try to take things a day at a time and stop worrying about the future because I can't control it and it is making me miss things that are happening right now - for example, worrying about where my placement will be in two months makes me miss enjoying my summer with my husband. She said she foresees the next year being quite pleasant for me with no real upsets. This is glorious news! And here I thought I was in for another painful year of midwifery education.

We shall see what the future holds, but for now I am inspired to do my best to take it a day at a time.

Incidentally, the hubby is currently making pancakes for me. This morning I said "wouldn't you like to make pancakes like that time you made them and they were soooo good?" and he replied "you've been up longer than me and I don't see YOU making pancakes." So I thought about the fortune teller's words and tried this "Make me pancakes." It worked... maybe she really DOES know what she's talking about!

Closing the "Couch Surfing" Chapter

It's been a few lonely months, as I have mentioned. When I was done school for the summer in May, I felt bruised and battered from a long, hard semester. All I wanted to do was turn off my phone and my pager and hunker down for lots of sleeping and eating. Rob, husband extraordinaire, provided me with lots of TLC and I worked on processing all of the clinical learning I had experienced.

Eventually, the rest and relaxation turned into lying around and feeling guilty about it. It got so I didn't know what to do other than wake up late, move to the couch, move back to bed. Needless to say, I've been getting pretty unhappy about it. We don't have next summer off, and there is a long, hard two years ahead. I made a conscious decision not to work this summer so that I could really enjoy my "free" time. I have known for awhile now that I need to get my act together.

So, I have taken matters into my own hands and filled up my schedule. I mentioned the trip to Winnipeg, but I didn't mention that I am also driving up to Ottawa to visit a friend for a few days this week, and some friends have planned a canoe trip to Algonquin Park in August. We drove down to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend, and we have friends from Guelph coming to visit for a night next weekend.

Immediately after all this schedule-filling, an acquaintance in Toronto asked me when I was free since she suddenly has more free time. After weeks upon weeks of feeling friendless and lonely, I suddenly couldn't even think of a single day I was next free for dinner.

Since that day, the requests to hang out have been rolling in from other acquaintances in the city - people I'd just about given up hope on ever hearing from.

The Universe is funny that way.

After a couple of days in Niagara I'm feeling good about things. I know it's already July 12th, but in some ways my summer is just starting. I'm excited to see what it brings now that I'm up off the couch...

The Urban Canoeist

I've been having problems with motivation this summer. What began as a summer of rest and relaxation designed to help me recover from the winter's midwifery placement - slash - prepare for the next two years of school has become a summer of being sloth-like and feeling guilty about it. I've been doing my darndest not to feel guilty, but with Rob having such trouble finding work I can't help it. I feel I should help somehow, but... I can't. Most ironic is that my health seems to be worse now than it was when I was a crazy overworked student.

So I've been trying to figure out what I need to do to feel better. The trip to Winnipeg is going to help a lot. I want to get up to Ottawa too. We're heading to Niagara to visit Rob's family this weekend. We went to Guelph to visit friends last weekend. Any kind of getting up and out of the apartment seems to help... duh! I also need to be more active. Yesterday we rented a canoe and paddled around Toronto Island for three hours. It was so awesome.

Bliss.

This swan chased us away from his little family (you can see them near the shore). I was seriously afraid he was going to break my arm.

Resting before heading back across the harbour. I'm assuming Toronto Island is typically busier than this. There was no one around and it was great! Thanks, garbage strike.

This kind of makes me love Toronto.

So that was good for us, even if renting the canoe (as with everything in Toronto, it seems) was a total rip off at $30/hour. It was worth it!

I'm thinking of our friends at Folk Fest this weekend. I've had my ups and downs with Folk Fest, but its often been a very happy place. Last year Rob and I had such a good time, despite the horrific weather. If nothing else, it's always been a place where your friends feel closer and music sounds sweeter. I miss being there. It's hard realizing I have no idea when I'll ever be able to go again.

Yup. It's lonely in Toronto.

... a tale of love...

I've been missing Willow. And since it's clear that she is happy in her new home and will not need me to take her back, perhaps its time for another cat to come to live with us. I remember when I first invited her into my home - young, pregnant, scared and skinny from living on the streets of Sudbury during the winter. I had never lived with an animal who wandered the home at night. It had me lying awake listening to her feeling creeped out. But I got over that.

When Willow had babies in my closet, she wouldn't let me leave her side. When I went to bed that night, she lay down beside me on my bed and her belly would start heaving with contractions. I led her to the cozy box in the closet I had set up for her, and she followed. But when I walked back to bed, there she was by my side. She was scared. Of course I had an exam in the morning, because that's how these things work. And of course she didn't go into labour until nearly midnight. After she had the first kitten, a tiny mewing wet black and white ball, and I had called my next-door neighbour (also a midwifery student) over to help/oversee things with me, I decided it was time for bed. Willow seemed more comfortable with what was going on, and I needed the sleep. So I dragged my mattress to the closet and slept with one hand on the box so she would know I was there. I woke to faint mewing a few times throughout the night, but otherwise slept through. When I got up in the morning there were four kittens lined up along her belly - it was the most amazing sight I have ever seen! She was so proud. There were two little calicos, one orange and white tabby and the little black and white guy. Leaving to go to the exam was so hard.

Willow and I went through a lot together in just one year. The good and devoted girl that she is, she caught and brought me a dead mouse in the middle of the night once - also the night before a test. I screamed and flipped the mouse into a garbage bag so quick that Willow didn't know what had happened to it. She spent the night pouncing repeatedly on the bed in hopes of stirring him up again. We discovered that she is a terrible car cat. She poops, she pukes, she cries. It's a stinky messy business, which is tough when you are driving back and forth to Winnipeg from Subury! While she had the kittens she got sick. It was like all her life energy was being drained by these fast-growing little babies. She would often throw up, and one day she got all this poop in the fur on her tail. I had to hold her down and wash it out while we both cried. When we were leaving to go to Winnipeg for the summer last year, we had already decided we were taking Willow because some friends were going to adopt her. But when we took the 8 week kittens from her, her nipples got huge and swollen from the sudden lack of kittens suckling. We went and retrieved Otto - the tiniest kitten, and brought him with us. What a lovebug he turned out to be! He cuddled constantly, when he wasn't harassing Willow or playing. We fell completely in love with him. Then one day when he was about 12 weeks or so he got sick. We knew he'd been having trouble with eating, so we'd been working on it. We had called the vet and they advised it sounded like worms, so we were giving him the meds. We sat with him at every meal and tried to get him to eat. Willow wasn't letting him have any milk anymore, and he had gotten frighteningly thin. And then one morning he wasn't himself. I tore myself away from him that morning to go to work. When Rob got home, I was on the phone with him when he found Otto. He was still on the bed, not far from where I'd left him, and he was cold and stiff. We still have so much sadness and guilt - what could we have done to better help him?

Sweet Little Otto

Willow made my day, every day. When it got close to time for my friends to take her, I couldn't imagine life without her. When I was stressed and unhappy, she would make me laugh. Her new fam and I had the arrangement that if one of their cats didn't take to having Willow there, we would discuss her coming back to me. Happily for her, the anxious cat tolerated her and now she has kitty friends to play with and a loving home. She's a big round ball of hilarity these days - I still get pictures!

Heh heh

I have such huge guilt around the idea of owning a cat. My mother is severely allergic. She can walk into a room that once had a cat in it for a few minutes, and her throat will start to close, eyes puff up, skin itch. It's not the kind of allergy you can vaccum and put the cat away and have it be ok. If we have animals, it closes the door to her being able to come over and visit. This is sort of okay right now, but what about when we have children? Yet my heart is just aching to have that happy presence in the home, the one that brightens the room. But it's my mother! But... but... but... It causes me such inner turmoil!

A Moment of Pure Willow and Joc Love

... when in Rome...

It's just time for me to do this, so here I am.

So I booked my flight to Winnipeg this morning. I almost never get phone calls, but while I was on the phone with the woman booking my flight, everyone decided to call me. The call waiting beeped the entire time, plus I got a buzz at the door from the mailman who has never buzzed before. My multitasking skills are out of practice, but I somehow got through it. And now I'm going to Winnipeg at the end of July/beginning of August for a purely social visit. So that's exciting.

I've been musing on being a prairie girl living in Toronto. I have never felt like a prairie girl before, but now, living here, I do. There are so many cars, so many people, so much to do... it's almost too much. In fact, I don't know how people do anything here at all - I mean, how do you choose? But more importantly, how do you meet people? My friend called Toronto the city that is no one's hometown. It's a good point. Most people here have come from elsewhere. So there must be other people that don't know people and would like to hang out. But it all takes so much work and energy. So, for now, no friends for us.

I received word from the office at school that my placement for the fall in Winnipeg is looking good. No confirmation yet though. That would be too certain, make life too easy. As we careen into July I'm getting a little nervous for the upcoming school year. Once it starts, that's it. No stopping til I'm all done. Is it really possible? I feel like I'll have to see it to believe it...