This is just the very best thing ever, for so many reasons.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
...ebb and flow...
It's amazing what a couple of days off, two 10-hour nights of sleep, a trip to Ikea for some organizers and shelves, and two double-doses of vitamin b can do for one's outlook on life.
After my last post, I kidnapped Rob when he came home from work and we went out for dinner to a little thai restaurant nearby that I've been wanting to try. We used to go for thai food about once a month back in Winnipeg; it was one of our favourite things to do. Now we don't have the luxury of going out for dinner as much as we used to, but I think it's important to make room for things that ground us once in awhile. Inside the cozy little red-walled restaurant, I told him how I was feeling over rice rolls and pad thai. He sympathized and empathized, and said he was really feeling the same way. We made a decision to try harder to live in the present.
Together, we spent Sunday doing things around the apartment that we just sort of were never getting around to. With a bit of love and attention, we finally have a place that I completely love coming home to again. Rob even re-potted the sad little plant clippings we had been neglecting in a corner, and now they are thriving all over the living room. My anxiety has calmed. For now, I feel better.
After my last post, I kidnapped Rob when he came home from work and we went out for dinner to a little thai restaurant nearby that I've been wanting to try. We used to go for thai food about once a month back in Winnipeg; it was one of our favourite things to do. Now we don't have the luxury of going out for dinner as much as we used to, but I think it's important to make room for things that ground us once in awhile. Inside the cozy little red-walled restaurant, I told him how I was feeling over rice rolls and pad thai. He sympathized and empathized, and said he was really feeling the same way. We made a decision to try harder to live in the present.
Together, we spent Sunday doing things around the apartment that we just sort of were never getting around to. With a bit of love and attention, we finally have a place that I completely love coming home to again. Rob even re-potted the sad little plant clippings we had been neglecting in a corner, and now they are thriving all over the living room. My anxiety has calmed. For now, I feel better.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
...rude awakening...
Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.
I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true. It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along. I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax. In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink. This makes me feel terrible. I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word. The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again. I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program. I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice. But I haven't really believed that... I can't. No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required. In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life. So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.
I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion. I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went. I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older. I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough. And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now. Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard. It is not a good excuse for disappearing.
I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done. Generally my posts feel forced and boring. I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how. I used to love music. Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows. Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it. I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to. Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs. I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it. The truth is, it doesn't need resources. It just needs love. I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved. The list goes on. Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.
I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true. It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along. I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax. In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink. This makes me feel terrible. I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word. The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again. I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program. I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice. But I haven't really believed that... I can't. No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required. In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life. So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.
I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion. I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went. I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older. I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough. And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now. Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard. It is not a good excuse for disappearing.
I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done. Generally my posts feel forced and boring. I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how. I used to love music. Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows. Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it. I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to. Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs. I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it. The truth is, it doesn't need resources. It just needs love. I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved. The list goes on. Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.
... yet another midterm...
More than a month (nearly two) since my last post... how?! Time flies when you're in extremely uncomfortable, challenging periods of growth, I guess.
This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?
I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.
Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.
I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.
It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.
This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?
I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.
Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.
I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.
It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Gratitude...
After a month of tremendous ups and downs, I'm feeling sort of-kind of-almost ready to resume placement.
It's been three years since I've had any issues with my Crohn's disease. In the past, I had many operations due to a recurring fistula/abscess. It's always been a tough pill to swallow since I've worked so hard to see relief from the usual type of Crohn's flare-up with much success through diet. But, no matter how good the other symptoms of my Crohn's disease have been, problems with this abscess would always reappear. The last time it happened was in May of 2007, when I ended up in the hospital the same day I found out I had gotten into the midwifery program at Laurentian (sooo much happy; sooo much sad!). After three years, I was starting to think (hope, dream!) perhaps I'd seen the last of it. So it was with much disappointment... heartbreak, even... that I ended up in the ER at Mt Sinai a few weeks ago. One long horrendous day in the emergency room, lots of morphine and gravol, spinal anaesthetic, an operation and an overnight later, I was back at home.
The past three weeks have been focused on healing and trying to get back in the physical and mental game so I could be ready for placement when it started again. I think I'm finally there. I don't know why it happened, but I know that during placements I have not treated my body as well as I have in the past. It's been hard to eat properly, and I had let that translate to almost never eating well at all. In many ways I have to try harder to keep my body happy and healthy during all of this.
Luckily, I suppose, the flare-up occurred during holidays from school and directly between our Algonquin canoe trip and our trip to Winnipeg, and none were disturbed. We had a blast in Winnipeg, and even though I had to take it easy we managed to see many of our friends, lots of my family, and even spend a few days at my parents' cabin on Falcon Lake.
As always, I felt the most profound sense of whole-ness as I sat under those prairie skies with all of our friends around us. It felt easy, and it felt like home. I felt a sense of belonging and love that I haven't felt, except during similar visits, since I moved away. This time was extra special since Rob was finally with me. For the past year or so I've been feeling a desire to make our way back there when we are done school. This was an opportunity to see if Rob might be on the same page once he experienced being back. Sure enough, one of the first things he said after we arrived was "oh yeah... this place feels like home." I left with a new motivation for getting through this year: the sooner I finish, the sooner I can get back to Winnipeg and we can get on with making our dreams come true!
Which, of course, reminds me that going to midwifery school was one of those dreams, and every day that I'm here I am making that dream a reality. I appreciate the reminder to have gratitude!
It's been three years since I've had any issues with my Crohn's disease. In the past, I had many operations due to a recurring fistula/abscess. It's always been a tough pill to swallow since I've worked so hard to see relief from the usual type of Crohn's flare-up with much success through diet. But, no matter how good the other symptoms of my Crohn's disease have been, problems with this abscess would always reappear. The last time it happened was in May of 2007, when I ended up in the hospital the same day I found out I had gotten into the midwifery program at Laurentian (sooo much happy; sooo much sad!). After three years, I was starting to think (hope, dream!) perhaps I'd seen the last of it. So it was with much disappointment... heartbreak, even... that I ended up in the ER at Mt Sinai a few weeks ago. One long horrendous day in the emergency room, lots of morphine and gravol, spinal anaesthetic, an operation and an overnight later, I was back at home.
The past three weeks have been focused on healing and trying to get back in the physical and mental game so I could be ready for placement when it started again. I think I'm finally there. I don't know why it happened, but I know that during placements I have not treated my body as well as I have in the past. It's been hard to eat properly, and I had let that translate to almost never eating well at all. In many ways I have to try harder to keep my body happy and healthy during all of this.
Luckily, I suppose, the flare-up occurred during holidays from school and directly between our Algonquin canoe trip and our trip to Winnipeg, and none were disturbed. We had a blast in Winnipeg, and even though I had to take it easy we managed to see many of our friends, lots of my family, and even spend a few days at my parents' cabin on Falcon Lake.
As always, I felt the most profound sense of whole-ness as I sat under those prairie skies with all of our friends around us. It felt easy, and it felt like home. I felt a sense of belonging and love that I haven't felt, except during similar visits, since I moved away. This time was extra special since Rob was finally with me. For the past year or so I've been feeling a desire to make our way back there when we are done school. This was an opportunity to see if Rob might be on the same page once he experienced being back. Sure enough, one of the first things he said after we arrived was "oh yeah... this place feels like home." I left with a new motivation for getting through this year: the sooner I finish, the sooner I can get back to Winnipeg and we can get on with making our dreams come true!
Which, of course, reminds me that going to midwifery school was one of those dreams, and every day that I'm here I am making that dream a reality. I appreciate the reminder to have gratitude!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Summer Days...
Placement 1 of 3 wrapped up without a hitch. I had a near panic-attack at the end from suddenly thinking I was going to run into some uncomfortable feedback during my evaluation... possibly even run into issues with passing. I'm not sure why I thought this; likely because it was happening all around me to my classmates. In fact, the final evaluation was fairly painless and actually even pleasant at points. My preceptor's written evaluation was extremely positive and included the sentiment that she is looking forward to working more with me. Go figure!
The day we went off call, my midwifery bestie drove down from Ottawa for a 24 hour hang-out sesh. We got together with some of the other Toronto-and-vicinity midwifery students from Laurentian, expecting a celebration. In fact, it turned into a bit of a bitch-fest where we all ranted and commiserated over wine and cupcakes... it was a bit heavy, but I suppose we all needed it. The two of us made up for it the next day by wandering a farmer's market, having a long and delicious brunch at my new favourite cafe, breathing in the cool air along the harbourfront and checking out the market there, and having an overall luxurious day off-call doing whatever we pleased.
Somehow I convinced myself to do a better job of studying for the final exam than I did for the midterm. The exam went off without much of a hitch, save for the usual frustrating MEP exam questions about things that have not at all been a learning focus. No marks back yet, but I expect to have done well enough.
We set off a couple of days later for our second "annual" Algonquin Park canoe trip. It was different this year. Rob planned the route again, and it was much more grueling than last year's. We paddled further and portaged more. Perhaps I was also still just burnt out, or perhaps the absence of the two friends who couldn't make it this year was just really palpable, or perhaps it was the lack of sunshine... I'm not sure, but the energy didn't feel nearly as high out there. I didn't start to pick up until day four of the five day trip. It was as astonishingly beautiful as ever and amazingly peaceful. We hardly saw any other people on days two through four. It was just really, intensely physically difficult. Maybe I just wasn't quite ready for it so soon after the placement ended. My midwif' bud and I did a lot of hysterical laughing about "our idea of a vacation". What is it with us, anyway, that everything always has to be so freaking intense?!
I have all these ideas about things I'd like to do this month and ways I want to get organized before the fall. Right now I'm not sure it's going to happen. I have an armload of novels I want to read (what a luxury!), and we still have our trip to Winnipeg coming up. I'm reading Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver - an oldie, but one I had never managed to get around to. Also on the list: Fall on Your Knees - Ann-Marie MacDonald, How to be Good - Nick Hornby, The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini, among others. Think I can get through them all and still get our lives organized a bit before September 7?
The day we went off call, my midwifery bestie drove down from Ottawa for a 24 hour hang-out sesh. We got together with some of the other Toronto-and-vicinity midwifery students from Laurentian, expecting a celebration. In fact, it turned into a bit of a bitch-fest where we all ranted and commiserated over wine and cupcakes... it was a bit heavy, but I suppose we all needed it. The two of us made up for it the next day by wandering a farmer's market, having a long and delicious brunch at my new favourite cafe, breathing in the cool air along the harbourfront and checking out the market there, and having an overall luxurious day off-call doing whatever we pleased.
Somehow I convinced myself to do a better job of studying for the final exam than I did for the midterm. The exam went off without much of a hitch, save for the usual frustrating MEP exam questions about things that have not at all been a learning focus. No marks back yet, but I expect to have done well enough.
We set off a couple of days later for our second "annual" Algonquin Park canoe trip. It was different this year. Rob planned the route again, and it was much more grueling than last year's. We paddled further and portaged more. Perhaps I was also still just burnt out, or perhaps the absence of the two friends who couldn't make it this year was just really palpable, or perhaps it was the lack of sunshine... I'm not sure, but the energy didn't feel nearly as high out there. I didn't start to pick up until day four of the five day trip. It was as astonishingly beautiful as ever and amazingly peaceful. We hardly saw any other people on days two through four. It was just really, intensely physically difficult. Maybe I just wasn't quite ready for it so soon after the placement ended. My midwif' bud and I did a lot of hysterical laughing about "our idea of a vacation". What is it with us, anyway, that everything always has to be so freaking intense?!
I have all these ideas about things I'd like to do this month and ways I want to get organized before the fall. Right now I'm not sure it's going to happen. I have an armload of novels I want to read (what a luxury!), and we still have our trip to Winnipeg coming up. I'm reading Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver - an oldie, but one I had never managed to get around to. Also on the list: Fall on Your Knees - Ann-Marie MacDonald, How to be Good - Nick Hornby, The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini, among others. Think I can get through them all and still get our lives organized a bit before September 7?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Who's Counting
I am winding down from having a much-needed weekend off call. I did my best to make the most of it. It was really hard to "let go" of all the things I have started to become used to having to keep straight for midwifery placement. I realized how much my head lives in the placement - something I had hoped to find a way to temper this time around. Now I am just unsure whether it's possible not to let this thing become your whole world. If it is, I guess I haven't figured it out yet.
When Rob and I went out for dinner on Saturday night, it was evident how long it had been since we'd really sat down and talked. Over entrees, wine, dessert and coffee, we talked and laughed like we hadn't seen each other in years - which was lovely, but is also kind of sad to realize how out of touch we had become. We decided we need to make a pointed effort to have dinner together more often.
This decision to try to eat more meals together coincides perfectly with me realizing how unhealthy I have been getting during placement - all the eating on the run, grabbing things from the nearest coffee shop or the hospital cafeteria, not eating because I forgot to pack lunch and don't have time to pick something up, snacking on unhealthy choices... it's not good. Re-inspired to care about the food I'm eating by a combination of starting to feel heavy and lacking in energy with the discovery of The Ten Ingredient Project: http://www.teningredientproject.com/, I'm looking forward to putting a little more thought into what I eat again.
Incidentally, I felt I hit a bit of a stride last week with placement. I handled a few things better than I would have previously, and got a couple bits of positive feedback. I am still really uncertain and it all still feels tremendously difficult, but moments where I can see some progress do put it into perspective a bit. And Rob Brezny (http://freewillastrology.com/) seems to be echoing my suspicions about why it all feels so hard:
"CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): So it turns out that the "blemish" is
actually essential to the beauty. The "deviation" is at the core of the
strength. The "wrong turn" was crucial to you getting you back on the
path with heart. I have rarely seen a better example of happy accidents,
Capricorn. You may not realize it quite yet -- although I hope this
horoscope is bringing it all into focus -- but you have been the beneficiary
of a tricky form of divine intervention. One good way of expressing your
gratitude is to share with friends the tale of how you came to see that
the imperfections were perfect."
There are officially 10 more sleeps until we are off for our final exam and month off. Not that I'm counting... but if I were, that would mean only 2 more full clinic days (which I am finding one of the more stressful parts of placement). I'm trying to convince my midwifery BFF to travel from Ottawa for a visit immediately upon going off call... we'll see. I think finishing this portion of our final year will call for a mega celebration!
When Rob and I went out for dinner on Saturday night, it was evident how long it had been since we'd really sat down and talked. Over entrees, wine, dessert and coffee, we talked and laughed like we hadn't seen each other in years - which was lovely, but is also kind of sad to realize how out of touch we had become. We decided we need to make a pointed effort to have dinner together more often.
This decision to try to eat more meals together coincides perfectly with me realizing how unhealthy I have been getting during placement - all the eating on the run, grabbing things from the nearest coffee shop or the hospital cafeteria, not eating because I forgot to pack lunch and don't have time to pick something up, snacking on unhealthy choices... it's not good. Re-inspired to care about the food I'm eating by a combination of starting to feel heavy and lacking in energy with the discovery of The Ten Ingredient Project: http://www.teningredientproject.com/, I'm looking forward to putting a little more thought into what I eat again.
Incidentally, I felt I hit a bit of a stride last week with placement. I handled a few things better than I would have previously, and got a couple bits of positive feedback. I am still really uncertain and it all still feels tremendously difficult, but moments where I can see some progress do put it into perspective a bit. And Rob Brezny (http://freewillastrology.com/) seems to be echoing my suspicions about why it all feels so hard:
"CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): So it turns out that the "blemish" is
actually essential to the beauty. The "deviation" is at the core of the
strength. The "wrong turn" was crucial to you getting you back on the
path with heart. I have rarely seen a better example of happy accidents,
Capricorn. You may not realize it quite yet -- although I hope this
horoscope is bringing it all into focus -- but you have been the beneficiary
of a tricky form of divine intervention. One good way of expressing your
gratitude is to share with friends the tale of how you came to see that
the imperfections were perfect."
There are officially 10 more sleeps until we are off for our final exam and month off. Not that I'm counting... but if I were, that would mean only 2 more full clinic days (which I am finding one of the more stressful parts of placement). I'm trying to convince my midwifery BFF to travel from Ottawa for a visit immediately upon going off call... we'll see. I think finishing this portion of our final year will call for a mega celebration!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)