Still not done.
I had an extension until tonight, midnight. This seemed perfectly adequate at the time. However, now that we are at 1:05 pm on the due date itself, it no longer seems possible.
I'm so jealous of my friends who are DONE! How I dream to be done....
Monday, April 5, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Can't, Won't, Don't Want To
I am writing my last paper of my midwifery degree. The last one. There are no more papers after this one. And I... can't... do... it...
It's like every fibre of my being is resisting it! I have everything I need - I'm back in Toronto in the comfort of my own apartment... Rob is at work... it's peaceful... I have tea... all the windows are open... the cats are sleeping. There is no reason it should be this HARD.
Why is it so tough? Better yet, HOW can I get it done? I am completely lacking in focus and motivation. All I want to do is go outside where it's sunny and warm, and pretend this paper doesn't exist.
I'm happy to be home with Rob... and Marve. But... I really miss Winnipeg.
It's like every fibre of my being is resisting it! I have everything I need - I'm back in Toronto in the comfort of my own apartment... Rob is at work... it's peaceful... I have tea... all the windows are open... the cats are sleeping. There is no reason it should be this HARD.
Why is it so tough? Better yet, HOW can I get it done? I am completely lacking in focus and motivation. All I want to do is go outside where it's sunny and warm, and pretend this paper doesn't exist.
I'm happy to be home with Rob... and Marve. But... I really miss Winnipeg.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Everything I Need
I haven't posted in ages. I have tried several times, only to realize I had way too many things to say and not enough words. The placements have carried on without a hitch. I have learned more than I would have ever thought possible. I can run clinic visits, answer questions, help women through labour, catch babies, suture perineums, do immediate newborn care, and do postpartum follow up. I'm not perfect - I'm still awkward, I blank on numbers, stats and lists, there are questions I can't answer, there are long pauses during my informed choice discussions... but I can get by. Last year at this time I was so run down, exhausted, disillusioned, frustrated and sore that I actually feared entering 3rd year. I just didn't think I'd ever be ready. Now I face the end of the final semester with nothing but an enormous paper to write (sigh) and realize... I did it. And I don't feel too bad.
We have exactly one month of rest before our 4th year placements begin. The month "off" is not even entirely ours, as we have an 8 day intensive learning session in Sudbury smack dab in the middle of it. But I'm kind of excited to drive up and see all the women that I haven't seen since the late summer. Catch up and see what experiences everyone has had. It will be nice.
For the last placement of this year - our elective - I chose to return to Winnipeg for one month in a midwifery clinic. My intention was to learn the ways in which Manitoba midwifery differs from that in Ontario. I chose to do it this way so I could see some friends and family and use it as sort of a visit as well as a learning experience. Last time I did this - in October - I stayed with some friends, but this time my mom expressed how much she wanted me to stay with them, and she even made a little bedroom in what used to be the sewing room "just in case" I needed it. And, honestly, by the time I was done my OB placement in Ontario, I was worn down and wanted nothing more than a comfy bed in the corner of my parents' house. I have spent most of the month - except for a week of cat-sitting at a friend's house - being taken care of by my mom. Less than a week from flying back to Toronto, I feel rejuvinated, rested and restored.
What I did NOT expect was to fall in love with Winnipeg midwifery and the midwives themselves. I did not expect them to fall in love with me. Right now all I can think about is how to swing it so we can come back here when I graduate next spring.... the only hitch is that Rob is in school too and won't be finished! The wheels are turning...
"Home isn't where our house is, but wherever we are understood."
- Christian Morganstern
We have exactly one month of rest before our 4th year placements begin. The month "off" is not even entirely ours, as we have an 8 day intensive learning session in Sudbury smack dab in the middle of it. But I'm kind of excited to drive up and see all the women that I haven't seen since the late summer. Catch up and see what experiences everyone has had. It will be nice.
For the last placement of this year - our elective - I chose to return to Winnipeg for one month in a midwifery clinic. My intention was to learn the ways in which Manitoba midwifery differs from that in Ontario. I chose to do it this way so I could see some friends and family and use it as sort of a visit as well as a learning experience. Last time I did this - in October - I stayed with some friends, but this time my mom expressed how much she wanted me to stay with them, and she even made a little bedroom in what used to be the sewing room "just in case" I needed it. And, honestly, by the time I was done my OB placement in Ontario, I was worn down and wanted nothing more than a comfy bed in the corner of my parents' house. I have spent most of the month - except for a week of cat-sitting at a friend's house - being taken care of by my mom. Less than a week from flying back to Toronto, I feel rejuvinated, rested and restored.
What I did NOT expect was to fall in love with Winnipeg midwifery and the midwives themselves. I did not expect them to fall in love with me. Right now all I can think about is how to swing it so we can come back here when I graduate next spring.... the only hitch is that Rob is in school too and won't be finished! The wheels are turning...
"Home isn't where our house is, but wherever we are understood."
- Christian Morganstern
Friday, February 5, 2010
It's true...
... it really is funny how something can seem such a big deal one day and so insignificant the next. I feel much better. I had a very crazy and stressful day with another OB at the hospital today... but it ended well.
I did a lot of laughing at myself. It felt good.
And now I'm home in my comfy clothes with a cat on my lap... happy. Ah life!
:)
I did a lot of laughing at myself. It felt good.
And now I'm home in my comfy clothes with a cat on my lap... happy. Ah life!
:)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Midwifery is... catching?
One of the things that was worrying me about having all placements at the same hospital so far was how disorienting it was going to be when I needed to move on to a different one.
It turns out I was right to worry (for once) - being in a new hospital is really, really tough!
I started my OB placement this week. However, the OB who will be my preceptor is not working much this week, so she arranged for me to work with her partner for a few shifts. Yesterday she urged me to go find the partner OB at the hospital during her call shift. I wasn't expected to stay for the whole thing, but just go and see if I could get some exposure to "interesting stuff" and stay for as long as I wanted. It was a bit of a disaster, because she wanted me to go do a delivery while she was busy with something else. I didn't have time to tell her I am not comfortable doing deliveries...
... long story short, catching babies - the epitome of midwifery - is a skill I have not yet developed. In the grand scheme of things, it is a small part of what midwives do, and so I have tried not to worry about the fact that I still need to work on it. When the baby's head crowns, I get all kind of panicky, don't know where to put my hands and just generally end up freezing. At this point, someone has always taken over. I feel that all I need is a verbal cue to snap me back into action, but I haven't had that experience yet. And so while I have been "hands on" in the catch of many babies... I have yet to get comfortable doing the catch entirely on my own.
This particular delivery ended up being precipitous, meaning FAST - and when I arrived in the room there were about a million nurses in there bustling about. They told me the head was crowning. Did I want to do the delivery or did I want them to do it? Mustering all the false confidence I could, I said that I could do it. I put my gloves on and went over. I felt like I was on stage with all those nurses watching me. I had never been inside this hospital prior to this, none of the nurses knew me and not one of them was a familiar face to me. Everything felt foreign, and I didn't even have my real teacher there to support me. The head was born, restituted and then... I froze. Thankfully the OB had arrived, and she took over... she talked me through her actions, "anterior shoulder, posterior shoulder". Then I grabbed the wrong things off the birth tray... she had to clamp and cut the cord, everything. I was totally disoriented. I appeared useless and pathetic - and I'm not just being hard on myself. To top it all off, the mom had a second or third degree laceration that the OB repaired... although I know that is not my fault, I feel responsible, like maybe if I had known what I was doing I could have avoided it somehow.
I'm ashamed to even admit this happened.
When it was over, the OB told me that I was free to go since there was nothing more going on. I walked away from the hospital feeling humiliated. Since it happened I have been trying to digest it and move forward, as I try to do with all "mistakes". But this one is so overpowering. So many factors intersect to make it worse than the experiences I've had before. New hospital, new nurses, new teacher - not my real teacher and likely does not really want to have to be responsible for me - my most uncertain skill, and no ability to communicate about the experience afterward. Why didn't I just tell the nurses to complete the catch when they asked? I keep seeing that baby's head sitting on the perineum and my head just didn't tell me what to do as I expected it to. Groooooaaaaan. I can admit that I have grown leaps and bounds in so many other skills - why did this have to happen within the first couple of hours ever in this hospital?!
The real kicker is that just that morning I had told my actual teacher OB that catching is a skill I need guidance and support and practice with during this placement because I am still uncertain about it, and she was very supportive! But no one at the delivery knew this - they only knew I said I could do it. And then I clearly could not.
I barely slept last night because I kept waking up, remembering and feeling sick, then going through the scenario again and again, thinking of what I could have done differently, or of how embarrassed I feel. I'm having such a hard time letting it go... I guess because as a third year - nearly fourth year - midwifery student I think it was fair of them to assume I would be able to catch a baby. The fact I couldn't feels so humiliating.
I have to meet my OB there in the morning because she told me she's to be in the OR... but weirdly, the assistants at the office didn't tell me about that... so I'm half expecting to arrive in the morning and no one will know what I'm talking about.
I'm feeling really down and really disoriented. But I'm trying to get back to being positive and laughing at myself! I'm aware there is a good chance I am making it a bigger deal than it is. But I can't seem to help it! What a roller-coaster...
It turns out I was right to worry (for once) - being in a new hospital is really, really tough!
I started my OB placement this week. However, the OB who will be my preceptor is not working much this week, so she arranged for me to work with her partner for a few shifts. Yesterday she urged me to go find the partner OB at the hospital during her call shift. I wasn't expected to stay for the whole thing, but just go and see if I could get some exposure to "interesting stuff" and stay for as long as I wanted. It was a bit of a disaster, because she wanted me to go do a delivery while she was busy with something else. I didn't have time to tell her I am not comfortable doing deliveries...
... long story short, catching babies - the epitome of midwifery - is a skill I have not yet developed. In the grand scheme of things, it is a small part of what midwives do, and so I have tried not to worry about the fact that I still need to work on it. When the baby's head crowns, I get all kind of panicky, don't know where to put my hands and just generally end up freezing. At this point, someone has always taken over. I feel that all I need is a verbal cue to snap me back into action, but I haven't had that experience yet. And so while I have been "hands on" in the catch of many babies... I have yet to get comfortable doing the catch entirely on my own.
This particular delivery ended up being precipitous, meaning FAST - and when I arrived in the room there were about a million nurses in there bustling about. They told me the head was crowning. Did I want to do the delivery or did I want them to do it? Mustering all the false confidence I could, I said that I could do it. I put my gloves on and went over. I felt like I was on stage with all those nurses watching me. I had never been inside this hospital prior to this, none of the nurses knew me and not one of them was a familiar face to me. Everything felt foreign, and I didn't even have my real teacher there to support me. The head was born, restituted and then... I froze. Thankfully the OB had arrived, and she took over... she talked me through her actions, "anterior shoulder, posterior shoulder". Then I grabbed the wrong things off the birth tray... she had to clamp and cut the cord, everything. I was totally disoriented. I appeared useless and pathetic - and I'm not just being hard on myself. To top it all off, the mom had a second or third degree laceration that the OB repaired... although I know that is not my fault, I feel responsible, like maybe if I had known what I was doing I could have avoided it somehow.
I'm ashamed to even admit this happened.
When it was over, the OB told me that I was free to go since there was nothing more going on. I walked away from the hospital feeling humiliated. Since it happened I have been trying to digest it and move forward, as I try to do with all "mistakes". But this one is so overpowering. So many factors intersect to make it worse than the experiences I've had before. New hospital, new nurses, new teacher - not my real teacher and likely does not really want to have to be responsible for me - my most uncertain skill, and no ability to communicate about the experience afterward. Why didn't I just tell the nurses to complete the catch when they asked? I keep seeing that baby's head sitting on the perineum and my head just didn't tell me what to do as I expected it to. Groooooaaaaan. I can admit that I have grown leaps and bounds in so many other skills - why did this have to happen within the first couple of hours ever in this hospital?!
The real kicker is that just that morning I had told my actual teacher OB that catching is a skill I need guidance and support and practice with during this placement because I am still uncertain about it, and she was very supportive! But no one at the delivery knew this - they only knew I said I could do it. And then I clearly could not.
I barely slept last night because I kept waking up, remembering and feeling sick, then going through the scenario again and again, thinking of what I could have done differently, or of how embarrassed I feel. I'm having such a hard time letting it go... I guess because as a third year - nearly fourth year - midwifery student I think it was fair of them to assume I would be able to catch a baby. The fact I couldn't feels so humiliating.
I have to meet my OB there in the morning because she told me she's to be in the OR... but weirdly, the assistants at the office didn't tell me about that... so I'm half expecting to arrive in the morning and no one will know what I'm talking about.
I'm feeling really down and really disoriented. But I'm trying to get back to being positive and laughing at myself! I'm aware there is a good chance I am making it a bigger deal than it is. But I can't seem to help it! What a roller-coaster...
Friday, January 15, 2010
... So Far So Good...
I have been at the same hospital for nearly all my placements so far. The morning of my first L&D shift, I drove there on auto-pilot, distracted by mundane every-day thoughts - irritation with other drivers, the cold, the fact that I was running late. When the smell of disinfectant and the sounds of labouring women hit me as I walked onto the floor, I felt both comforted and a familiar sense of nervous anticipation. Several of the nurses greeted me with some amount of recognition, which was nice and helped me feel slightly more at ease!
The shifts have gone well so far. My preceptor is quite lovely - a single mother to three teenagers, she has tonnes of energy, an infectious cheerful and outgoing personality and a bit of a potty mouth, which she manages to keep mostly under wraps. She taught me, as her mother taught her, that "shit is a woman's word" - who knew??! She disappears to her car a few times per shift for secret cigarette breaks. She is clearly insecure about getting older, with a preoccupation with putting on lipstick and talking about grey hairs, despite the fact she is quite beautiful. We are pretty different, but we seem to get along well. So far I've really been enjoying our time together. My concern is that she is often running from room to room doing things without communicating with me. I'm never sure if I should just follow her or wait for her to invite me. Waiting seemed to be resulting in me missing out on some learning opportunities, so I have begun to follow her... but I do feel like a puppy dog. She doesn't seem to mind.
So far my fears of this placement have proven unfounded. Though I still think some of the nurses can act like "mean girls", I think it tends to be a product of how much time they all spend together. Not everyone has embraced me: many of them don't acknowledge my presence and one or two are downright rude, but many others are quite nice to me and even think of me when teaching opportunities arise. In any case, it's not nearly as hostile as I feared it might be. I am not really sure why I expected the worst!
***
It has been interesting to note how the type of care provided compares and contrasts with that of midwifery. During my last shift we had a "patient" in labour, comfortable with an epidural and doing just fine. In many ways it was similar to midwifery labours I had previously been to - until my nurse decided that the woman would probably like a "sniff of Pit" to help strengthen her contractions so she could have the baby sooner rather than later. She suggested it to the OB, who openly wanted the woman to have her baby sooner than later because she was tired and wanted to go to bed - and therefore said "sure, give her a sniff of Pit". So minutes later we were adding pitocin to her IV - I don't remember any discussions with the woman around her own feelings on being augmented. At the same time, her epidural was being turned down so she could feel whether she had any urges to start pushing. The woman quite quickly was in a lot of pain, crying, throwing up, etc because her contractions had become so strong and her epidural was down to nearly nothing... it all seemed kind of odd to me. We then turned her epidural back up... it was kind of a roller coaster, both for the woman and for me to watch. After two-three hours of guided pushing, the head appeared on the perineum and magically sat there while we called the OB. When the OB arrived, she put on gloves, caught the baby, did a few things and walked out again. I found the whole thing very fascinating - so much was similar to what I am used to, and so much was also different.
***
This weekend is my birthday. I have been trying to hint to Rob that I want to do something fun, but I haven't taken it into my own hands and planned something as I know I should have. I have been considering it, but I just haven't been able to decide what I want to do. Will another one come and go largely unnoticed? Hmm.
The shifts have gone well so far. My preceptor is quite lovely - a single mother to three teenagers, she has tonnes of energy, an infectious cheerful and outgoing personality and a bit of a potty mouth, which she manages to keep mostly under wraps. She taught me, as her mother taught her, that "shit is a woman's word" - who knew??! She disappears to her car a few times per shift for secret cigarette breaks. She is clearly insecure about getting older, with a preoccupation with putting on lipstick and talking about grey hairs, despite the fact she is quite beautiful. We are pretty different, but we seem to get along well. So far I've really been enjoying our time together. My concern is that she is often running from room to room doing things without communicating with me. I'm never sure if I should just follow her or wait for her to invite me. Waiting seemed to be resulting in me missing out on some learning opportunities, so I have begun to follow her... but I do feel like a puppy dog. She doesn't seem to mind.
So far my fears of this placement have proven unfounded. Though I still think some of the nurses can act like "mean girls", I think it tends to be a product of how much time they all spend together. Not everyone has embraced me: many of them don't acknowledge my presence and one or two are downright rude, but many others are quite nice to me and even think of me when teaching opportunities arise. In any case, it's not nearly as hostile as I feared it might be. I am not really sure why I expected the worst!
***
It has been interesting to note how the type of care provided compares and contrasts with that of midwifery. During my last shift we had a "patient" in labour, comfortable with an epidural and doing just fine. In many ways it was similar to midwifery labours I had previously been to - until my nurse decided that the woman would probably like a "sniff of Pit" to help strengthen her contractions so she could have the baby sooner rather than later. She suggested it to the OB, who openly wanted the woman to have her baby sooner than later because she was tired and wanted to go to bed - and therefore said "sure, give her a sniff of Pit". So minutes later we were adding pitocin to her IV - I don't remember any discussions with the woman around her own feelings on being augmented. At the same time, her epidural was being turned down so she could feel whether she had any urges to start pushing. The woman quite quickly was in a lot of pain, crying, throwing up, etc because her contractions had become so strong and her epidural was down to nearly nothing... it all seemed kind of odd to me. We then turned her epidural back up... it was kind of a roller coaster, both for the woman and for me to watch. After two-three hours of guided pushing, the head appeared on the perineum and magically sat there while we called the OB. When the OB arrived, she put on gloves, caught the baby, did a few things and walked out again. I found the whole thing very fascinating - so much was similar to what I am used to, and so much was also different.
***
This weekend is my birthday. I have been trying to hint to Rob that I want to do something fun, but I haven't taken it into my own hands and planned something as I know I should have. I have been considering it, but I just haven't been able to decide what I want to do. Will another one come and go largely unnoticed? Hmm.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Year We Make Contact
I'm not really big into new year's resolutions.
That said, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year past. 2009 was an extremely difficult one, filled with discomfort, growth, sleep deprivation, moving, depression, laziness, dependency, resistance, loss, procrastination and a lack of any sense of motivation or accomplishment. It has had it's wonderful moments, of course - meeting new friends, the canoe trip to Algonquin, the realization that my midwifery goal is indeed possible. But as the last minutes ticked down towards 2010 I had a strong sense that I was very glad to be moving out of 2009. Perhaps it is a little naive or arbitrary, but I was struck with the sense of an opportunity to overhaul the way I have been... well, handling life.
Some things I discovered over the holidays:
My first L&D shift was to start tomorrow evening at 7:30 pm for a 12-hour overnight. Just now as I was writing, I received a phone call from my nurse preceptor saying she has actually switched the shift to a day shift. Not only is the switch from night to day extremely welcome, the nurse sounded very warm and pleasant. I am going to go right ahead and take this as a very positive sign of things to come in 2010!
That said, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year past. 2009 was an extremely difficult one, filled with discomfort, growth, sleep deprivation, moving, depression, laziness, dependency, resistance, loss, procrastination and a lack of any sense of motivation or accomplishment. It has had it's wonderful moments, of course - meeting new friends, the canoe trip to Algonquin, the realization that my midwifery goal is indeed possible. But as the last minutes ticked down towards 2010 I had a strong sense that I was very glad to be moving out of 2009. Perhaps it is a little naive or arbitrary, but I was struck with the sense of an opportunity to overhaul the way I have been... well, handling life.
Some things I discovered over the holidays:
- Rob and I are an awesome team. Love is hard work, but also incredibly rewarding. I want to try to focus on the gifts love offers us, and not on the struggles.
- My place within Rob's family is becoming more established and distinct. My voice carries more weight and I am less afraid to use it. And people laugh at my jokes and sarcasm - always a bonus! Marriage is an interesting journey of continual growth and change - I'm sure we've all been told this. Now, as I start to really see it unfold I become more and more fascinated with it.
- I thrive without access to the internet for a few days! It forces me to wake up and look around.
- I love doing more active things and going outside - it makes me feel joyful and clear-headed. This weird resistance to exercise and going outdoors is counterproductive and short-sighted. I need to just stop it!
- The day-to-day things Rob and I are struggling with (being students, money, disorganization, communication, our definition of "home") are things that the other siblings also struggle with - we are not as "far behind" as I thought we were. I need to stop focusing on the ways in which we don't measure up because it's not necessarily true.
- When distracted by having fun, connecting with family and being generally more aware of the things that are really important, I do not worry about and obsess over things that are out of my control. For example, I barely thought about the placement lottery at all!
- I miss my connection to the moon. In the past, when I have been most connected, I felt loved and supported by and connected to the moon and the universe in general. My menstrual cycles started to match her cycles and my intuition was at its most powerful. The blue moon on New Year's Eve somehow spoke to me and made the loss of that relationship more poignant. It is simply time to start paying more attention.
- I'm entering knowingly into an incredibly challenging year and it is key not to let the MEP overpower my life. I need to let it be a part of me, but not all of me. I need to keep doing things I enjoy that are completely un-midwifery-related so that I can strike a healthy balance. I can't live in fear of my pager! I can't let what happens on placement define me. I must maintain confidence, balance, connection. Give in to being a student - and as part of that, know that a student is not ALL that I am.
My first L&D shift was to start tomorrow evening at 7:30 pm for a 12-hour overnight. Just now as I was writing, I received a phone call from my nurse preceptor saying she has actually switched the shift to a day shift. Not only is the switch from night to day extremely welcome, the nurse sounded very warm and pleasant. I am going to go right ahead and take this as a very positive sign of things to come in 2010!
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