Extremes

Somehow - I'm not sure how - it's already nearly midterm.  We have been instructed to make appointments with our tutors and preceptors to have a phone meeting to discuss our midterm evaluation for next week.  I have sort of dropped the ball with this, mostly because of my uncertainty over who will be doing my evaluation.  My actual preceptor returns from vacation on Monday and will not have spent any time with me up to this point.  I should have clarified this before now... but I didn't.  Here's hoping it all works out!

I'm interested to see how different my preceptor is from the midwife who has been my teacher up until now.  I get the impression they are sort of opposite ends of the spectrum. The one I've been with throughout May is known for being super quick and efficient and somewhat conservative in her practice style.  The one coming back next week is known for running behind, providing lots of discussion, being intuitive and liberal in her practice.  I have found practicing with the first one to be challenging in several ways... and I'm sure the future holds many more, but different, challenges.  I'm looking forward to it though. 

Last night a few of the midwifery ladies from my class got together to go to the Doctors Without Borders refugee camp exhibit at Christie Pits Park.  I was going off call for a couple of days and was excited to get together with them for the evening.  I was late for the midwifery-specific tour and joined a public tour instead.  A (rather cute) guy asked me "so, do you think things like this make a difference?"  All I could say was that I just really hoped so.  We had an interesting conversation while we waited for the tour to start.  I was impressed with the tour.  The exhibit was smaller than I expected, and yet they did a lot with it and had many groups going through at a time without it seeming disorganized.  It was interesting to see how hard it was for some of the people on the tour to wrap their heads around things like bathing not being a priority in some people's realities.  The woman who was our tour guide was a logistician - her responsibilities include, essentially, problem-solving any number of issues and complications that may arise in the provision of aid and health care to people in countries all over the world.  The example she gave was finding a way to provide a medication or vaccination that requires storage at a temperature no greater than 25 degrees to people living in an area that is 50 degrees in the shade with no electricity.  When the tour was over the (rather cute) guy asked me to have dinner with him.  When I politely declined, he told me that I had good energy.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't flattering!

Following the tour, the midwifery ladies and I went for a walk and found a place to eat and have some drinks.  After sharing a couple of pitchers, we were walking down the street and being really silly.  Really silly.  And loud.  Screaming, essentially, about "gendering tail" - I won't get into it.  And suddenly... there was my preceptor.  She smiled and waved.  I went over to her and said hello and she introduced me to her daughter.  I told her I was with some midwifery student friends, and she said "well that explains why you were talking about 'gendering tail'.  I wondered what that was about."  Her daughter said "yeah, I was thinking to myself 'gendering tail'?"  I realized at that moment just how loud and obnoxious we must have been.  I laughed and said that my friends were being silly and I didn't know what they were talking about.  Then I awkwardly said "well... see ya Monday!"  I tried to walk away quickly but being part of a pack of 5 of us made that more difficult.  Today the whole thing is even more embarrassing.  Truthfully though, she didn't seem the least bit bothered, and even joked to my friends "yup - I'm the teach!"  Sheesh.  In a city of two and a half million people, you'd think one could go out and be a little anonymous!

In any case, going out was a lot of fun and has given me some renewed energy just like it always does.  If only I could convince myself to do it more often!  I still really have to learn how to be able to live a normal life while I'm on call...

Week 3 - Check In

It has been exactly three weeks since the day I walked into the clinic for the first time and began this placement.

In those three weeks I have missed a back up due to being called too late, missed a precipitous birth which turned into an unplanned unattended homebirth, attended a homebirth where EMS was called for a flat baby who, upon resuscitation, did not need to transfer into the hospital, attended a 15-hour back up that started with us in the primary role while the actual primary midwife and student slept but went long enough that they came back before the birth, and attended two superlong primip PROMs with meconium, one of which ended in a c-section and the other of which resulted in the baby being transferred to the special care nursery.

I understand that the name of the placement I am currently in is Consultations & Complications, but I suppose I thought that would simply be the focus of our tutorials... I wasn't so much expecting everything practical to be complicated and require consults!  I know that few births are totally normal and they are all different... but it sure would be nice to attend a few that had a bit less going on!

I'm really enjoying the practice, the midwives and the other students.  The more I get into the swing of things, the more I feel grateful for being placed there.  While I know the students in Toronto are being told over and over that there won't really be any jobs when we graduate, I still feel that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

In other news, our latest foster kitty, Graham, was just delivered to his "forever home".  Rob and I miss him.  Marve doesn't!  Another rescue will be coming over on Wednesday... it's kitten season at the shelter, so every rescue helps! 

Staying above water...

After my "month off" (full of an intensive in Sudbury and lots of preparation for my next placement) I'm back at it - I started my placement at the clinic where I will be for the next year.  So far so good - the midwives, admin staff and other students have all been great.  The clinic has recently undergone renovations and is really nice.  I feel really fortunate, and have been remembering to take time to feel gratitude.  It's been a gentle beginning - introduction, hospital tour, clinic visits this week, but no births.  I am on call and know that "first page" could come at any time - and that's when the ball really starts rolling! 

One of the things I realized recently was that one of my biggest fears of this upcoming year has been that I will go back into the unhappy sort of numb head-space I was in during my first midwifery placement and last summer.  I've been feeling so happy and enjoying life so much more for the last year that I just don't want to think about heading back into that darkness.  And the last week or so, I really felt how it could happen - I was getting overwhelmed and stressed, my back started hurting, I was wanting nothing more than to lay down when I get home... so I know I need to work on my energy level and staying above water.  I don't want to end up with Rob "taking care of" me again - that's not the life I want to live!  I do think I'm a happier person these days... so, lots of vitamin B, exercise, friends, and rest, and hopefully all will be well!

My preceptor seems really wonderful.  The other day on the phone, before we'd met in person, she said: "So, you're from Winnipeg, eh?  I know a song about Winnipeg."  She then proceeded to sing "I loooove Winnipeggg" to the tune of "One Great City" by the Weakerthans (video posted two posts ago).  It was the best thing in the world.  I hated to tell her the line is actually "I HATE Winnipeg", but when I did she laughed and said "oh THAT'S right!" 

I have decided to take the whole conversation as a very good sign for this upcoming year. 

... the paper from hell...

Still not done.

I had an extension until tonight, midnight.  This seemed perfectly adequate at the time.  However, now that we are at 1:05 pm  on the due date itself, it no longer seems possible.

 I'm so jealous of my friends who are DONE!  How I dream to be done....

Can't, Won't, Don't Want To

I am writing my last paper of my midwifery degree.  The last one.  There are no more papers after this one.  And I... can't... do... it...

It's like every fibre of my being is resisting it!  I have everything I need - I'm back in Toronto in the comfort of my own apartment... Rob is at work... it's peaceful... I have tea... all the windows are open... the cats are sleeping.  There is no reason it should be this HARD.

Why is it so tough?  Better yet, HOW can I get it done?  I am completely lacking in focus and motivation.  All I want to do is go outside where it's sunny and warm, and pretend this paper doesn't exist.

I'm happy to be home with Rob... and Marve.  But... I really miss Winnipeg.

Everything I Need

I haven't posted in ages.  I have tried several times, only to realize I had way too many things to say and not enough words.  The placements have carried on without a hitch.  I have learned more than I would have ever thought possible.  I can run clinic visits, answer questions, help women through labour, catch babies, suture perineums, do immediate newborn care, and do postpartum follow up.  I'm not perfect - I'm still awkward, I blank on numbers, stats and lists, there are questions I can't answer, there are long pauses during my informed choice discussions... but I can get by.  Last year at this time I was so run down, exhausted, disillusioned, frustrated and sore that I actually feared entering 3rd year.  I just didn't think I'd ever be ready.  Now I face the end of the final semester with nothing but an enormous paper to write (sigh) and realize... I did it.  And I don't feel too bad.

We have exactly one month of rest before our 4th year placements begin.  The month "off" is not even entirely ours, as we have an 8 day intensive learning session in Sudbury smack dab in the middle of it.  But I'm kind of excited to drive up and see all the women that I haven't seen since the late summer.  Catch up and see what experiences everyone has had.  It will be nice.

For the last placement of this year - our elective - I chose to return to Winnipeg for one month in a midwifery clinic.  My intention was to learn the ways in which Manitoba midwifery differs from that in Ontario.  I chose to do it this way so I could see some friends and family and use it as sort of a visit as well as a learning experience.  Last time I did this - in October - I stayed with some friends, but this time my mom expressed how much she wanted me to stay with them, and she even made a little bedroom in what used to be the sewing room "just in case" I needed it.  And, honestly, by the time I was done my OB placement in Ontario, I was worn down and wanted nothing more than a comfy bed in the corner of my parents' house.  I have spent most of the month - except for a week of cat-sitting at a friend's house - being taken care of by my mom.  Less than a week from flying back to Toronto, I feel rejuvinated, rested and restored.

What I did NOT expect was to fall in love with Winnipeg midwifery and the midwives themselves.  I did not expect them to fall in love with me.  Right now all I can think about is how to swing it so we can come back here when I graduate next spring.... the only hitch is that Rob is in school too and won't be finished!  The wheels are turning...

"Home isn't where our house is, but wherever we are understood."
- Christian Morganstern 

It's true...

... it really is funny how something can seem such a big deal one day and so insignificant the next.  I feel much better.  I had a very crazy and stressful day with another OB at the hospital today... but it ended well. 

I did a lot of laughing at myself.  It felt good. 

And now I'm home in my comfy clothes with a cat on my lap...  happy.  Ah life!

:)