Pushing

I completely hit a wall sometime after the last post.  I felt that my preceptor and I had conflicting personalities that just weren't going to work together, and I just... lost it.  I became an anxious wreck.  I couldn't stop crying and just could not see the positive in any of this anymore.  In a moment of desperation I called the program director at my school and just let it all out.  She somehow talked me down.  I didn't think it was possible, but after discussing some communication strategies, sharing some laughs and generally just feeling supported, I hung up knowing it was all going to be alright.  I didn't know how, but I knew it would.

I am working on patience, open-mindedness and gratitude.  I believe these are some of the reasons I have been put in this position this year.  I want to make the most of what I have been given.  I don't want to quit after all this hard work.  And I don't want to be miserable, either.  My preceptor isn't going to change any time soon, so it lies with me and in my perception of things.  I'm trying.  Things are getting better.

My friend compared the placement to labour.  She said I was going through transition and soon would be able to start pushing (notoriously a relief after labouring).  I guess I've just started pushing... I feel like things are better than they were a week or two ago, but I am really looking forward to the birth of August.

August is looking amazing.  We are planning our canoe trip to Algonquin for the early part of the month, and a short trip to Winnipeg at the end.  I cannot wait. 

My birth numbers are low.  I brought it up at the practice meeting today and the range of responses was overwhelming.  Some felt it was partly my fault for not bringing it up earlier, not telling them via email or some other method, not doing this or that.  Others realized it was just unlucky.  All realized that my not taking any of my time off was not the best way to deal with the situation.  I have only taken one day off call this month, and the entire time I was off, I worried.  My two year wedding anniversary came and went this past week while I was at clinic and, later, a birth.  Nothing is sacred and nothing can have my attention except this placement.  It's just hard.  But if I can get my numbers up and get some time off call, I will have a chance to ground myself once in awhile.  

We are fostering two of the sweetest kittens in the world.  Last week we had three adoption calls for them and all three fell through.  Rob and I love these guys more every day.  It's hard when they stay too long... Cosmo sleeps on my pillow every night.  Felix follows me every time I go into the bathroom.  And, well, just look at them!

Slowly but surely...

I'm done the midterm and am officially 1/6 done my final year in the midwifery program.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the end!  The midterm seemed to go alright, save for a few answers that had me cringing at the thought of the tutor reading them.  Still, I know that I passed... hooray! 

Despite feeling horrifically guilty, I took an extra day off call after the midterm on a whim.  Two other students and I went for lunch to commiserate over hummus wraps, and then went shopping (mostly of the window variety) on Queen West.  Our friends from Guelph came into town for the weekend and we spent a fair bit of time with them going out for meals, hanging out, checking out the Bloor street festival and Honest Ed's.  They have introduced us to some other friends of theirs... everyone's a potential BFF these days, so I was immediately sizing them up.  We really like them so hopefully we will see more of them.

One of the hardest parts about being wrapped up in the day-to-day of being a midwifery student is that when you spend time with friends who are NOT midwives, it's hard to filter yourself properly.  When people ask questions about the things you do, it's important not to be TOO specific.  When you mention things like vagina and/or suturing, for example, people start to look at each other pointedly and then down at the table... a signal that it's time to wrap it up.  I get it.  It kind of makes me laugh.  I know that my career choice is most certainly not for everyone.  I still love it. 

Overall it was a quiet call weekend (two of my primaries had their babies on Thursday when I was off studying for the midterm) and I had a really relaxing one.  When I went into the clinic to prep my charts for the week, I felt totally okay with it... I guess I just really needed the break.  Right now Rob is making chocolate chip cookies while I do my homework (really, that's what I'm doing!)... I'm so lucky!

Rough Patch

Hmm.

Not sure how things are going.  It got a lot harder to stay positive and upbeat and confident and hopeful etc this week when I came down with some sort of icky illness - probably just a cold (sore throat, nausea, achy, plugged ears, mucous-filled head, coughing, constant nose-blowing, watery eyes, gross) - and felt unable to take any time to deal with it.  Any time I tried to sort of let my preceptor know how I was feeling, I ended up feeling powerless to ask for time/space to get better.  A stiff regimen of tylenol, advil cold & sinus, ricola, ginger gravol and neti pot usage has been getting me through, but just barely.  I've been washing my hands every ten minutes, holding my breath around babies and trying to stay away from people in general, while still trying to appear enthusiastic and gung-ho about everything.

Just as I was feeling like I wasn't sure I was getting much in the way of learning opportunities out of my temporary preceptor, my permanent preceptor had returned and I was feeling really hopeful about that.  However I am now starting to realize the ways in which the new relationship will have its own unique challenges, and that has been feeling a bit overwhelming.  There is something about interactions with my preceptor that has been triggering a lot of anxiety in me.  It feels like we are just missing each other - like we are always ALMOST on the same page but never quite.  I have found some of our interactions really stressful and am feeling like I have needed time to sort of "come down" after them... so that makes me a bit nervous.  I know that the only thing that can change is me.  I am hoping that as she and I learn each other we will start to figure each other out and our interactions will become easier.  Some of the time I think we both really get one another and I think enjoy each other... it's just hit and miss right now.

That's pretty cryptic... I'm not sure how to put it into words yet.  We'll just have to see what happens.

Some of our best friends in southern Ontario, some friends from Winnipeg who are currently living in Guelph, are suddenly up and moving back home.  One of them got a promotion that means moving.  We are really sad about it.  We haven't been seeing them as much as we would like to, and we were hoping to reconnect now that it's summer.  They were also a key part of our trip to Algonquin last summer and we were hoping for a repeat trip this year.  It's all around disappointing news.  Of course we are happy for her that she got a promotion... we'll just miss 'em.

I have a multip - third baby - contracting every half an hour for going on two days now.  She is begging us to just induce her (obviously not going to happen).  She has gone into labour at 37 weeks with both of her previous pregnancies, and is now approaching 40 weeks.  I have a midterm exam on Friday and we go off call tomorrow night at 9 pm to allow us time to study and sleep prior to the test.  Since I have a really busy day planned tomorrow I am kind of hoping her labour holds off for one more night... of course I will be happy for her if she goes tonight.  This is the balancing act I will be part of for the rest of my career!  There's just no way to know what will happen.

Knock on Wood

I'm afraid to say it's been a little quiet lately for fear of the universe making me pay for admitting such a thing.  I'm knocking on wood... because, apparently, that's what midwives do.  I am hoping for another quiet day or two while I nurse an incredibly sore throat. 

I did have the fortune to attend a lovely birth this week - a second time mum whose ultrasounds were showing her baby to be in the 98th percentile for size... we were a little concerned about shoulder dystocia, but other than some sticky shoulders the mum birthed that baby impressively.  It was the kind of birth that makes me stop and remember what an incredible career I'm heading towards and how blessed I am to do this work.

My preceptor has returned from holidays and everything has changed quite suddenly - her expectations are much higher.  That's good, of course... I feel like I will be able to grow and learn a little better now that she is back.  She seems a little more invested in having me learn and take on responsibility, I suppose because she's ultimately responsible for me.  For me, though, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and nervous about dropping the ball somewhere... there is so much to keep organized.  Visits to organize and/or attend, phone call check ins, induction bookings, consults to write/follow up on, charts to prepare, messages to return etc.  Right now I'm keeping track of things in a few ways and I'm not sure any of them are working.  A dayplanner would probably be best, but none of them that have large enough space to write in are appealing to have to carry around along with all the other million things I'm already carrying around.  I suppose I will have to spend a fair bit of money on a really good one...? It seems that, like with bags, each midwife has her own favourite way to keep track of everything.  Generally Blackberry's and iPhones, it seems... which I don't have. 

I got my midterm evaluation date/time sorted out.  Next Wednesday... eek.  I can't believe we're already at midterm.  I'm already thinking about some of the fun stuff I want to do in August to help unwind/mentally prepare for the fall semester. 

We've started planning our canoe trip for August.  I'm excited.  We got a new tent and set it up in our kitchen.  It's awesome!  Unfortunately a couple of the friends that attended with us last year might not be able to make it this year due to moving back to Winnipeg a couple of years earlier than they thought they might.  I guess that happens with Winnipeg.  We'll see...

I also want to visit my parents, and maybe head up to Ottawa to visit friends too... I'm hoping if I go to Winnipeg Rob will be able to join me this time.  He hasn't been back since the Christmas before last when he only stayed for three days.  It would be amazing to go visit, spend some time at the cabin, etc.  I am so curious if he would re-fall in love with it like I seem to whenever I visit.  He doesn't think he will...

Aside from this killer sore throat, life is pretty good these days.  Pretty good indeed.

Extremes

Somehow - I'm not sure how - it's already nearly midterm.  We have been instructed to make appointments with our tutors and preceptors to have a phone meeting to discuss our midterm evaluation for next week.  I have sort of dropped the ball with this, mostly because of my uncertainty over who will be doing my evaluation.  My actual preceptor returns from vacation on Monday and will not have spent any time with me up to this point.  I should have clarified this before now... but I didn't.  Here's hoping it all works out!

I'm interested to see how different my preceptor is from the midwife who has been my teacher up until now.  I get the impression they are sort of opposite ends of the spectrum. The one I've been with throughout May is known for being super quick and efficient and somewhat conservative in her practice style.  The one coming back next week is known for running behind, providing lots of discussion, being intuitive and liberal in her practice.  I have found practicing with the first one to be challenging in several ways... and I'm sure the future holds many more, but different, challenges.  I'm looking forward to it though. 

Last night a few of the midwifery ladies from my class got together to go to the Doctors Without Borders refugee camp exhibit at Christie Pits Park.  I was going off call for a couple of days and was excited to get together with them for the evening.  I was late for the midwifery-specific tour and joined a public tour instead.  A (rather cute) guy asked me "so, do you think things like this make a difference?"  All I could say was that I just really hoped so.  We had an interesting conversation while we waited for the tour to start.  I was impressed with the tour.  The exhibit was smaller than I expected, and yet they did a lot with it and had many groups going through at a time without it seeming disorganized.  It was interesting to see how hard it was for some of the people on the tour to wrap their heads around things like bathing not being a priority in some people's realities.  The woman who was our tour guide was a logistician - her responsibilities include, essentially, problem-solving any number of issues and complications that may arise in the provision of aid and health care to people in countries all over the world.  The example she gave was finding a way to provide a medication or vaccination that requires storage at a temperature no greater than 25 degrees to people living in an area that is 50 degrees in the shade with no electricity.  When the tour was over the (rather cute) guy asked me to have dinner with him.  When I politely declined, he told me that I had good energy.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't flattering!

Following the tour, the midwifery ladies and I went for a walk and found a place to eat and have some drinks.  After sharing a couple of pitchers, we were walking down the street and being really silly.  Really silly.  And loud.  Screaming, essentially, about "gendering tail" - I won't get into it.  And suddenly... there was my preceptor.  She smiled and waved.  I went over to her and said hello and she introduced me to her daughter.  I told her I was with some midwifery student friends, and she said "well that explains why you were talking about 'gendering tail'.  I wondered what that was about."  Her daughter said "yeah, I was thinking to myself 'gendering tail'?"  I realized at that moment just how loud and obnoxious we must have been.  I laughed and said that my friends were being silly and I didn't know what they were talking about.  Then I awkwardly said "well... see ya Monday!"  I tried to walk away quickly but being part of a pack of 5 of us made that more difficult.  Today the whole thing is even more embarrassing.  Truthfully though, she didn't seem the least bit bothered, and even joked to my friends "yup - I'm the teach!"  Sheesh.  In a city of two and a half million people, you'd think one could go out and be a little anonymous!

In any case, going out was a lot of fun and has given me some renewed energy just like it always does.  If only I could convince myself to do it more often!  I still really have to learn how to be able to live a normal life while I'm on call...

Week 3 - Check In

It has been exactly three weeks since the day I walked into the clinic for the first time and began this placement.

In those three weeks I have missed a back up due to being called too late, missed a precipitous birth which turned into an unplanned unattended homebirth, attended a homebirth where EMS was called for a flat baby who, upon resuscitation, did not need to transfer into the hospital, attended a 15-hour back up that started with us in the primary role while the actual primary midwife and student slept but went long enough that they came back before the birth, and attended two superlong primip PROMs with meconium, one of which ended in a c-section and the other of which resulted in the baby being transferred to the special care nursery.

I understand that the name of the placement I am currently in is Consultations & Complications, but I suppose I thought that would simply be the focus of our tutorials... I wasn't so much expecting everything practical to be complicated and require consults!  I know that few births are totally normal and they are all different... but it sure would be nice to attend a few that had a bit less going on!

I'm really enjoying the practice, the midwives and the other students.  The more I get into the swing of things, the more I feel grateful for being placed there.  While I know the students in Toronto are being told over and over that there won't really be any jobs when we graduate, I still feel that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

In other news, our latest foster kitty, Graham, was just delivered to his "forever home".  Rob and I miss him.  Marve doesn't!  Another rescue will be coming over on Wednesday... it's kitten season at the shelter, so every rescue helps! 

Staying above water...

After my "month off" (full of an intensive in Sudbury and lots of preparation for my next placement) I'm back at it - I started my placement at the clinic where I will be for the next year.  So far so good - the midwives, admin staff and other students have all been great.  The clinic has recently undergone renovations and is really nice.  I feel really fortunate, and have been remembering to take time to feel gratitude.  It's been a gentle beginning - introduction, hospital tour, clinic visits this week, but no births.  I am on call and know that "first page" could come at any time - and that's when the ball really starts rolling! 

One of the things I realized recently was that one of my biggest fears of this upcoming year has been that I will go back into the unhappy sort of numb head-space I was in during my first midwifery placement and last summer.  I've been feeling so happy and enjoying life so much more for the last year that I just don't want to think about heading back into that darkness.  And the last week or so, I really felt how it could happen - I was getting overwhelmed and stressed, my back started hurting, I was wanting nothing more than to lay down when I get home... so I know I need to work on my energy level and staying above water.  I don't want to end up with Rob "taking care of" me again - that's not the life I want to live!  I do think I'm a happier person these days... so, lots of vitamin B, exercise, friends, and rest, and hopefully all will be well!

My preceptor seems really wonderful.  The other day on the phone, before we'd met in person, she said: "So, you're from Winnipeg, eh?  I know a song about Winnipeg."  She then proceeded to sing "I loooove Winnipeggg" to the tune of "One Great City" by the Weakerthans (video posted two posts ago).  It was the best thing in the world.  I hated to tell her the line is actually "I HATE Winnipeg", but when I did she laughed and said "oh THAT'S right!" 

I have decided to take the whole conversation as a very good sign for this upcoming year.