...winter awakening...

My soul is stirring.  Strange that feeling should come at a time that I also associate with darkness.  Today, finally, snowflakes fall.  All at once, winter is here.  

I was beginning to chalk the lack of festive spirit in our household up to exhaustion and isolation.  Sitting (studying...) under the warm orange glow of the kitchen lamp watching the grass get swallowed up by white outside our bay window, I realize that this is what we've been missing.  Feeling cozy inside, sipping tea, candles lit, protected from the wind and snow... the holidays are here.  A prairie girl through and through... need me some of that icy air.  

I should be studying.  It's so hard.  I say this every time, I know... but it really is hard.  I don't want to focus.  I want to pour a glass of red wine and laugh at this crazy life.  I want to walk in the snow with Rob until our cheeks are pink and numb and our kisses warm and connected, remembering each other.  I want to be surrounded with friends and food and drink - feel the sensation of belonging that we were reminded of at the farmhouse in August. 

Tonight we are going for dinner with some friends... I realize now, too late, what bad timing that is.  I will, as usual, make it work for the exam... I just need a 70%.  Doable... I hope.

Then... take THAT Midwifery 4!  Moving on.  Amazing how it all feels like forever... and yet it just keeps going by.

... reality check...

Today I felt crazy.  Grumpy, depressed and sad.  I was pushing when I wanted to be pulling.  Poor Rob. 

It was a great weekend, but so short.  So short.  I cried a little this morning when I thought about going back on call.  At just the right moment someone reminded me that we have one weekend left on call before we go off for our exam and December break.  11 days.  After the reminder (and two dark chocolate-covered blueberries), I started to perk up. 

On the break I want to eat chocolate and read books.  I want to break my laptop addiction for awhile.  I want to gaze lovingly at Rob, play stupid board games and do puzzles, ditch my car and walk, leave boot prints in the snow.  I want to laugh, and mean it. 

I saw Woody Allen's latest film the other day and it was excellent.  Reminiscent of his old work that I love.  A lesson in how the grass isn't greener on the other side.  A good reminder.  Important.

...bzzz bzzz bzzz....

Word has it that Winnipeg is covered in snow as of yesterday.  I honestly can't imagine.  It seems too early.  One thing I would miss about Toronto is the weather.  It agrees with me, and I agree with it.  In the city of smog and fog, I no longer get as down in the winter and I don't get the recurring headaches that I always had back home and even in Sudbury.  Strange. 

No births this week.  It's been a long lull.  I told the practice at midterm that I needed back ups, and have only managed to get two since.  I hope for at least one more, and a primary or two.  I find my tutor isn't a stickler for birth numbers as long as my preceptor(s) feel I have done enough that they feel they can assess me.  I feel fairly confident that, despite the fact I have a long way to go, I'm passing this term. 

I'm very excited for a weekend off that includes dinner and a movie with a buddy who makes me laaaugh non-stop, a lil road trip to visit a midwifery friend in Cambridge, and drinks with an old friend.  Not all weekends off are packed with awesomeness like this one is.

... just breathe...

I am currently in the middle of a birth lull... it's not as comfortable as it sounds.  I have informed the practice that I am in need of back ups.  I have a multip due on Sunday who went early with her first baby (and fast!)... every night I dream she calls in the middle of rip-roaring labour and I try to ask why she didn't call earlier as the midwife and I set into panic mode trying to get to her in time... then I awake to morning.  No pages.  I check the pager to make sure it is still working and that I haven't somehow missed it going off.  No pages.

Rob was leaving the apartment as I emerged from the bedroom this morning - early class.  As I sat there sipping warmish yerba, I received a text from him: "I found something disturbing this morning. I didn't want to tell you until you were awake."  Then a long lull between texts as my mind went into all kinds of "disturbing" places.  Finally: "I found a dead mouse on the kitchen floor."  Ew.  Then I noticed how on edge the cats were.  And exhausted.  I suppose they were up all night dealing with this.

Dead mouse on the kitchen floor.  Reminds me of a day years ago... in another city, in another kitchen... I made a mix cd that day, and named it after the experience.  This song... beautiful... ethereal... almost forgotten.  Turns out to be a good reminder... a listening requirement for midwifery students, perhaps?

... a day in the life...

This morning I slept in until a leisurely 8:45 and promptly wasted an hour watching mind-sucking reality television on my laptop.  I ate a freezer-burned sesame bagel with some undefined type of spreadable cheese from small foil-wrapped triangles I found in the fridge.  I drank the remaining dregs of yerba mate left in the pot from Rob before he left for work.  I made a few calls, got dressed and spent approximately three minutes fiddling with my hair and thinking about how desperately I need a haircut and how little time I have to make appointments.  Giving up on the hair I ran out the door making a mental note that I needed to take a sticky roller to the cat hair coating my black tights, then forgetting.  I listened to the same cd that has been on repeat in my car for the past three weeks as I drove to a home visit.  It was sunny.  Squinting, I remembered how I used to care enough to actually change my regular glasses to my sunglasses when I was outside. I ran up the four flights of stairs to the apartment where I was doing my visit and arrived so out of breath that I had to take a few minutes before I could communicate with the parents.  The visit was uneventful.  I checked in with one of my preceptors to let her know how the visit went as I raced down the stairs and back to my car, worrying about running late to meet my other preceptor at the hospital for another visit.  I got stuck in traffic, squinting in the sun and singing along mindlessly, texting my preceptor to let her know I was on my way.  I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late, and searched for our client only to realize that my preceptor was not there yet.  Following the visit, I stopped in at the clinic to photocopy next week's clinic schedule and attempt to motivate myself to prep my charts.  Failing that, I suddenly realized I was incredibly, horrifically grumpy.  I left the clinic, drove home and have been lying on the couch moping ever since.  I am eating gingerbread cookies and attempting to make fun plans for next weekend (off call) and my month off in December.  Rob is making chicken dumpling stew in an attempt to cheer me up. 

For some reason this reminds me of the movie Magnolia, when William H Macy's character had the song "Dreams" playing in his car every time he drove anywhere... his character was at least as hopeless as I feel today. 

 

That actually just kinda cheered me up.  

... shine down on me...

Still writing this "last paper"... it's amazing how completely I can draw things out to their very longest, most painful length.  Today is the day it will be handed in... mark my words!  Unfortunately I've made plans to have dinner with friends, which would be a good thing except that I will not be finished the paper and will therefore be distracted and stressed out. 

Rob has been sullen and down, so I shooed him outside for a bike ride.  It's amazing how we know these things help, but are sometimes so incapable of motivating ourselves to do them.  This is what we need each other for.

Outside the (dirty) windows the sun is shining strong and bright, doing it's best to warm the chilly air but not quite succeeding.  Still, it cheers me up.  I feel, taste, smell the undertones of winter.  Instead of being scared, this year I feel more curious.  How will I handle it?  Will it be alright?  I feel the need to be "better" at winter, with these plans to move back to Winnipeg on the horizon. 

I'm sure exercise would help.  Oh well. 

...writingapaperpaperwritingwritingapaper...

I feel googly-eyed.  How can something that takes up so much of my mind not really be coming along?  So, so very slow going.  I will certainly be using my grace days. 

Last paper.  Last one.

Haven't I said that before?