Anti-climax

All I ever talk about is cats.

I think it's because cats provide a cute, fuzzy distraction from the growing pains inflicted by the MEP. I am currently doing 5 assignments and studying for Wednesday's exam... and by that I mean I am watching my cats.

The truth is, I am not at all sure about this new foster cat, Monty. He has been here for four days, so I know it's too early to tell - but so far he rarely emerges from under the bed and when he does he really, really dislikes Marve. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, the lottery information came out this week... it's always a little anti-climactic because we wait so long to see what our choices will be, and then suddenly there they are and it's kind of just what you expected and the actual lottery isn't run for another month and there is still ages before we'll know where we'll be next year. I'm feeling happy they've split Toronto up into four regions (it used to be all one). Since we have to submit four choices, that means I can submit all Toronto and not have to come up with creative ideas on how we can move away without having Rob drop out of school... of course there is always the possibility that I will "fall out" of the lottery like last year, end up with none of my choices and have to pick from the scraps.... but we're not going to think about that.

So right now I simply need to focus on memorizing protocols and guidelines, textbooks and manuals. No big deal!

Winnipeg has been in a deep freeze this past week and I am ever-happy to be away from it. I'm uncomfortable here and it's only -10ish... I miss the prairies, but I am not sure how I can go back to that. And so the eternal debate on where we'll end up continues...

Winter...

It's officially December. Many of us are only just past halfway done the web course, so we're scrambling to finish and study for the exam next Wednesday... it doesn't seem possible, but we have to try!

We had class yesterday morning, and discussed things like the lottery (first we were told to expect news on November 30th, then December 4th, then December 8th... and then our tutor told us even December 8th - today - is unlikely so we shouldn't hold our breath...), next semester, and the exam. By the time class was over I just felt overwhelmed. Rob made me do yoga and have a shower to calm down (it worked)! I really need to take it just one day at a time...

On Saturday our friends from Guelph came up to visit - we made dinner and watched christmas movies. Good times. The next day we went out for breakfast (I have dreams about the BLAT at Nirvana) and then shopping for presents. The family pulled names to see who we would buy for this year. One of the family members we got is somewhat hard to buy for. We bought her a necklace after much deliberation, but now I don't think I like it. I might take it back. The truth is, we may not really figure presents out until after exams - and cards are unlikely to happen this year. Siigh.

Anyway, after we returned home and our friends were on the bus back to Guelph, we received a phone call from a guy and his girlfriend wanting to come and meet Wally. The guy sounded a little strange on the phone and I got nervous about letting Wally go. He had really become our little "bug"; our little "meatball"... well when these two arrived, I could see that they were very excited about Wally. They loved him, and didn't mind his little quirks in the least - and clearly were going to provide him with a pretty pampered life. They decided to take him home right then and there! I admit I called about two hours after they left to see how Wally was settling in... and they said he was doing great. He had been bold enough to explore the entire place - coming up to them every few minutes with little purrs and headbutts, and had slept on a chair between them while they ate their supper. Oh Wally! The guy said he would be happy to call me every now and then with updates... I really hope he does.

We are to pick up our new foster cat, Monty, today from Beth. I had been a little nervous about how Marve would react to his "little brother" disappearing... and honestly, I'm amazed! He has taken it all in stride. He is still sleeping (mostly) through the night, and even sleeps on our bed or on the chair in our room. He's been affectionate and ... well, just easy! Monty is a 3 year old guy - a big difference from the "teenagers" we've had with Louie and Wally. I hope Marve is okay with an "older" guy - and I hope Monty is okay with Marve! In all honesty... I'm a bit nervous to see how an older cat adjusts. Apparently he has lived in a cage for two whole months... poor guy. I can't wait to meet him.

The days are cold and dark and short lately. I'm way more tired than I was even just a month ago - its amazing how our bodies respond to the seasons! Still, I'm so happy to live in a place where winter doesn't start until December...

Right-o... back to the grind.

Seven-O and Go

The paper got done - and while I'm not proud of it, I can't help but hear the words of a recent midwifery-grad echoing in my head...: "7-0 and go!" She maintained that the only way to get through the MEP was to believe in this refrain and be happy with a passing grade rather than my ideal grade. Hmm. Not my usual motto, but I'm starting to see her point.

I had a sudden realization this week that next week is December - our final exam is on December 16, and I'm less than halfway done my coursework for the fall semester. I have a lot of work to do, and fast! In the meantime, I'm holding my breath for the release of the 4th year lottery placement choices. I want to get that show on the road so I know where I'm placed for next year. Will Rob and I have to move again? Half of me feels that, karmically, because I had such bad luck in the last lottery, I am due to get my first choice this time. I can't get screwed both times, right? But the other half of me knows all too well how it feels to receive an email stating that I didn't get any of my choices... and how real that possibility is. I just have to trust it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to...

The potential adopter for Wally called me the day after my last post to let me know they had fallen in love with another cat. It hurt a little bit! But I understood. Then he said that they had had a really good time with us and maybe sometime we'd want to go for a drink with them? I said "for sure!" and so we're hoping to do that this upcoming week. So that's fun.

This week we've had friends from Winnipeg staying with us and it's been great. We went to see Edward Sharpe - a show I never would have gone to otherwise and it was awesome. Totally wild - I had no idea what to expect... which made the fact that it was totally surreal all the better. They're weird. The whole thing had a distinctly cultish vibe.... iinteresting. We had so much fun.

We also went to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox - it's great. So so great. Go see it.

Yesterday a midwifery bud came over and we ranted about placements and coursework and our papers. We ate an entire batch of cookies and drank a pot of coffee and three pots of tea. It was therapeutic.

So we've been busy. And I've been happy. But I probably need to do some homework if I want to pass... and I do!

Everything and Nothing

The other night, the guy and his roommate came by to meet Wally. They didn't bring a cat carrier - they weren't planning to adopt that night, they just wanted to meet him. They were meeting a few cats and still had to make a decision and buy supplies before they could adopt. They were really cool and interesting, and they ended up hanging out for nearly two hours just chatting with us. It was an unexpected and fun evening. When they left I felt certain I'd hear from them about wanting to adopt Wally... however, I haven't heard from them yet. So maybe they fell in love with someone else. Wally was kind of tired that evening and not his super-cute normal self. Oh well - more time with him for us!

It's funny how we can go weeks and weeks without any plans, and then everything happens on the same night. Tonight our friends from Guelph are in town to hang out with some of their friends, and have invited us out. Also my girly book club meets tonight. And the potential cat adopters mentioned where they'd be tonight if we wanted to drop by.

I also have a paper due at midnight tonight, and do you think I'm working on it? No, I'm writing a blog. I have a serious procrastination problem... but this is nothing new. In any case, I'm really enjoying my day. Tea, music, cats, and internet at home for the first time in three days.

I'm half wondering if we're going to end up staying in tonight, as we tend to do. Maybe, if I'm still paper-writing, Rob will go out without me. He deserves it.

The Art of Letting Go...

To update from my last post... sadly, our beloved little Louie passed away at the vets the very day after I wrote. It was hard. I wished we had just kept him home with us if he couldn't be helped. I feel guilty and awful that he died alone, in isolation, in the basement at the vet clinic. I hope he knows he was loved.

While I was in Winnipeg, Beth rescued Walker (Wally) for us. Rob went and picked him up, and took care of him for two weeks before I got home. He kept him and Marve separate for a week, then slowly integrated them. I'm so proud of my "not-a-cat-person" husband! Wally had gone into the shelter a stray - skinny, flea-bitten, almost fur-less and covered in scabs. He lived there for far too long before he was rescued.

Wally before

I came home from Winnipeg to a brand new Wally! He has filled out, grown, his fur is growing in fluffy and soft and he plays ALL the time. He is so sweet and funny. He sleeps on the bed at night, and has even got Marve doing the same. Marve wakes us up a little less often during the night. Overall, we've got a good thing going.

However, yesterday the reality of fostering kicked in when we received a phone call from a guy who saw Wally's photo and bio (which had only gone up two days before), and wants to come over to meet him. He is coming tonight with his roommate. Rob and I are working on being okay with the possibility that he may not be with us beyond tonight. We love him so much already... but we know that if we adopt him we won't be able to continue fostering (my allergies can't handle more than two right now). And fostering is really important to us. So we have to let go.

Wally now

I had a good experience in Winnipeg. A month got a little long to be away from home, but the prairie air gave me so much energy and motivation. I walked everywhere. We had a real, full-blown fall so I didn't miss out after all. I spent time with people who make me happy. I had a gorgeous room in my friends' gorgeous house to live and study in. And the placement was challenging, but really rewarding. I had to fight to make it a good experience a little bit, since none of the doctors or NPs had ever had a midwifery student before, and weren't sure what to do with me. But we made it work, and by the end I felt I had improved visibly in some basic clinical skills. I was so impressed with the clinic itself. If we ever were to end up back in the 'Peg, I would be honoured to work there.

Since being home from Winnipeg, I have done nothing but sit. I sit in pyjamas and stare at the tv, stare at the cats, stare out the windows. I have tried to do homework, but despite my previous resolve to do nothing but for the rest of the term, I can't bring myself to do it. And I feel like a broken record for saying this all again. Still. Why is it so hard to find motivation?

Today we lost our (borrowed) internet connection, so I packed up my stuff and hiked down to the library. So here I am. Ready to write a paper. Procrastinating, maybe just a little. But it's about to happen.

An Unfortunate Lesson in Multi-Tasking

There is no longer any denying it is autumn as the temperature falls and the leaves begin to turn. Definitely one of my top 5 favourite things about Ontario is the long and beautiful autumn, something I didn't even know I was missing back in Winnipeg!

I have one more shift in the NICU before I move on to my second placement of the year. The NICU has been wonderful, and I think it serves as an important addition to the MEP that we spend some time there. I am more comfortable with babies, I can recognize numerous risk factors/abnormal signs, I have more experience helping moms with breastfeeding, I have built important relationships with the nurses, and I have been exposed to a lot of NRP. I feel ready to move on. Next stop is the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg.

The truth is, this placement in Winnipeg was once really exciting but as it creeps up on us I'm looking forward to it a little bit less. The placement itself should prove to be really valuable and I'm certain it will be a good experience. It's really just timing. First of all, it means I'm going to miss the best parts of autumn in Ontario. But more importantly, there's stuff going on at home that I don't really want to leave right now. We got our foster cat last Friday and he is a gorgeous and adorable 16-week old named Louie. For one whole day he was playful, affectionate and happy. Then he started sleeping... and sleeping... and sleeping... and sneezing... etc. It seemed like it would pass and we were looking forward to getting on with introducing him and Marve. Then he stopped eating and drinking. He was really lethargic and spacey. We started to force feed him with a syringe... but he was having none of it. Yesterday we brought him to the vet, who confirmed he was dehydrated and needed an IV and an overnight. I called this morning expecting news of Louie being on his way to better and a time we could go pick him up. Sadly, that was not the news I got. He is not better, and is impossible to force feed. They wanted to insert a feeding tube. They also suspect possible distemper... an illness that results in death 60-90% of the time. So now we are preparing ourselves for the fact that Louie may not be coming home.

With all this going on the past week, it has been really hard to focus on homework. I'm falling majorly behind, and with a 12-hour shift tomorrow, dinner with Rob's parents on Saturday night and a move to Winnipeg on Sunday I can't really imagine how I'm going to write a paper and catch up on all the work I have to do. There are several things that are so late that when I think of them it makes me feel literally nauseous.

It will all get done, right?

We'll see.

Louie

Tagging Along For the Ride...

Again it's been a long time since I last posted. Summer ended up being pretty busy and fun in the end, and the five-day canoe trip in Algonquin Park was one of my favourite things I have ever done. We are hoping to do it again next year, and I can't wait. I had no idea my body was capable of standing up to the amount of exertion it did that week!

Rawr.

These days, the anxiety that was so nicely packed away for several weeks has reared its ugly head and once again I feel powerless to stop it from consuming me. Why is being positive not enough?! It has a lot to do with money issues and Rob and I dealing with last minute preparations to go back to school. It's funny how school arrives like a surprise every fall, even when you knew it was coming all summer.

Speaking of school, at some point my desire to go back did arrive! I was almost certain I had seen the last of that sensation. Many later-years midwifery students had told me that the desire to be with women and babies DOES come back, but I felt so overwhelmed by the winter placement that I honestly couldn't see that happening. But here I am; it happened.

This year - my third - will be a little different. Rather than midwifery-focused placements, we do a series of one-month placements with complementing health care professionals. My first placement will be in a NICU, and after that I am off to the Women's Health Clinic in Winnipeg for a month. In January and February I will be doing a month with an OB and then a month with the L&D nurses. In March we have an elective placement, and I have chosen to do a month with midwives in Winnipeg. Our fourth year begins in May, which will be a year-long midwifery placement with increasing responsibility. I think of it as "The Beast", and it terrifies me... but I'm just gonna cross that bridge when I get to it.

I'm pretty excited about the placements this year. They will be challenging, but will involve a different kind of pressure.

Meowrve