Friday, January 15, 2010

... So Far So Good...

I have been at the same hospital for nearly all my placements so far. The morning of my first L&D shift, I drove there on auto-pilot, distracted by mundane every-day thoughts - irritation with other drivers, the cold, the fact that I was running late. When the smell of disinfectant and the sounds of labouring women hit me as I walked onto the floor, I felt both comforted and a familiar sense of nervous anticipation. Several of the nurses greeted me with some amount of recognition, which was nice and helped me feel slightly more at ease!

The shifts have gone well so far.  My preceptor is quite lovely - a single mother to three teenagers, she has tonnes of energy, an infectious cheerful and outgoing personality and a bit of a potty mouth, which she manages to keep mostly under wraps.  She taught me, as her mother taught her, that "shit is a woman's word" - who knew??!  She disappears to her car a few times per shift for secret cigarette breaks. She is clearly insecure about getting older, with a preoccupation with putting on lipstick and talking about grey hairs, despite the fact she is quite beautiful.  We are pretty different, but we seem to get along well.  So far I've really been enjoying our time together.  My concern is that she is often running from room to room doing things without communicating with me.  I'm never sure if I should just follow her or wait for her to invite me.  Waiting seemed to be resulting in me missing out on some learning opportunities, so I have begun to follow her... but I do feel like a puppy dog.  She doesn't seem to mind.

So far my fears of this placement have proven unfounded.  Though I still think some of the nurses can act like "mean girls", I think it tends to be a product of how much time they all spend together.  Not everyone has embraced me: many of them don't acknowledge my presence and one or two are downright rude, but many others are quite nice to me and even think of me when teaching opportunities arise.  In any case, it's not nearly as hostile as I feared it might be.  I am not really sure why I expected the worst!

***

It has been interesting to note how the type of care provided compares and contrasts with that of midwifery.  During my last shift we had a "patient" in labour, comfortable with an epidural and doing just fine.  In many ways it was similar to midwifery labours I had previously been to - until my nurse decided that the woman would probably like a "sniff of Pit" to help strengthen her contractions so she could have the baby sooner rather than later.  She suggested it to the OB, who openly wanted the woman to have her baby sooner than later because she was tired and wanted to go to bed - and therefore said "sure, give her a sniff of Pit".  So minutes later we were adding pitocin to her IV - I don't remember any discussions with the woman around her own feelings on being augmented.  At the same time, her epidural was being turned down so she could feel whether she had any urges to start pushing.  The woman quite quickly was in a lot of pain, crying, throwing up, etc because her contractions had become so strong and her epidural was down to nearly nothing... it all seemed kind of odd to me.  We then turned her epidural back up... it was kind of a roller coaster, both for the woman and for me to watch.  After two-three hours of guided pushing, the head appeared on the perineum and magically sat there while we called the OB.  When the OB arrived, she put on gloves, caught the baby, did a few things and walked out again.  I found the whole thing very fascinating - so much was similar to what I am used to, and so much was also different.

***

This weekend is my birthday.  I have been trying to hint to Rob that I want to do something fun, but I haven't taken it into my own hands and planned something as I know I should have.  I have been considering it, but I just haven't been able to decide what I want to do.  Will another one come and go largely unnoticed? Hmm.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Year We Make Contact

I'm not really big into new year's resolutions.

That said, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year past.  2009 was an extremely difficult one, filled with discomfort, growth, sleep deprivation, moving, depression, laziness, dependency, resistance, loss, procrastination and a lack of any sense of motivation or accomplishment.  It has had it's wonderful moments, of course - meeting new friends, the canoe trip to Algonquin, the realization that my midwifery goal is indeed possible.  But as the last minutes ticked down towards 2010 I had a strong sense that I was very glad to be moving out of 2009.  Perhaps it is a little naive or arbitrary, but I was struck with the sense of an opportunity to overhaul the way I have been... well, handling life.

Some things I discovered over the holidays:
  • Rob and I are an awesome team.  Love is hard work, but also incredibly rewarding.  I want to try to focus on the gifts love offers us, and not on the struggles.
     
  • My place within Rob's family is becoming more established and distinct.  My voice carries more weight and I am less afraid to use it.  And people laugh at my jokes and sarcasm - always a bonus!  Marriage is an interesting journey of continual growth and change - I'm sure we've all been told this.  Now, as I start to really see it unfold I become more and more  fascinated with it.

  • I thrive without access to the internet for a few days!  It forces me to wake up and look around.
     
  • I love doing more active things and going outside - it makes me feel joyful and clear-headed. This weird resistance to exercise and going outdoors is counterproductive and short-sighted.   I need to just stop it! 

  • The day-to-day things Rob and I are struggling with (being students, money, disorganization, communication, our definition of "home") are things that the other siblings also struggle with - we are not as "far behind" as I thought we were.  I need to stop focusing on the ways in which we don't measure up because it's not necessarily true. 

  • When distracted by having fun, connecting with family and being generally more aware of the things that are really important, I do not worry about and obsess over things that are out of my control.  For example, I barely thought about the placement lottery at all!
     
  • I miss my connection to the moon. In the past, when I have been most connected, I felt loved and supported by and connected to the moon and the universe in general.  My menstrual cycles started to match her cycles and my intuition was at its most powerful.  The blue moon on New Year's Eve somehow spoke to me and made the loss of that relationship more poignant.  It is simply time to start paying more attention.    
     
  • I'm entering knowingly into an incredibly challenging year and it is key not to let the MEP overpower my life.  I need to let it be a part of me, but not all of me.  I need to keep doing things I enjoy that are completely un-midwifery-related so that I can strike a healthy balance.  I can't live in fear of my pager!   I can't let what happens on placement define me.  I must maintain confidence, balance, connection.  Give in to being a student - and as part of that, know that a student is not ALL that I am. 
I'm excited about what the year brings.  The realizations I've had have exposed the things I want as part of my every day life.  I hope I'm up for the challenge.  I don't want to feel disappointed in myself anymore.  I'm going to focus on the little things I can do to start - a walk with Rob every day to build our connection and get outside.  Getting back to yoga practice and finding other small ways to be active.  Connecting with family by phone more regularly.  Refusing to bail on friends just because I'm feeling lazy.  Etc.

My first L&D shift was to start tomorrow evening at 7:30 pm for a 12-hour overnight.  Just now as I was writing, I received a phone call from my nurse preceptor saying she has actually switched the shift to a day shift.  Not only is the switch from night to day extremely welcome, the nurse sounded very warm and pleasant.  I am going to go right ahead and take this as a very positive sign of things to come in 2010!