Saturday, October 23, 2010

...rude awakening...

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.

I don't want to get melodramatic, but it's true.  It's something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but now that I have I can see I've known it all along.  I spend so much of my "free time" wrapped in fleece, hooded sweatshirts and legwarmers, computer on my lap and doing what I can to relax.  In "relaxing", I become immobile and half the time if Rob doesn't bring me food and tea I might not eat or drink.  This makes me feel terrible.  I start to wonder where and when I became so lazy, and then question whether lazy is really the word.  The truth is, I don't feel lazy - can't, when so much of my life is spent jumping out of bed at all hours, hard at work, learning, thinking, running, prepping, giving, trying, failing, trying again.  I tell myself - and others (parents, friends, Rob) agree - that this is only temporary; that it can't be helped right now because of the intensity of the midwifery program.  I tell myself I made this choice and this immobility, dissatisfaction, departure from myself is the essence of that sacrifice.  But I haven't really believed that... I can't.  No matter what my circumstances are and how I got here, disengaging from life is not required.  In fact, I can't even say it is the "easy way" to cope, since so much dissatisfaction and unhappiness comes from having checked out of life.  So I'm not sure why I've ended up here.  

I am tired of feeling envious of people with life and creativity and passion.  I am tired of feeling like I remember having those things once, and wondering where they went.  I am tired of assuming all of this is because I've gotten older.  I don't believe getting older means changing into something less than I was before and being satisfied with things that once would never have been enough.  And blaming this sorry state on the midwifery program is a cop-out; I can see that now.  Lots of people go to university - many people even work seriously hard.  It is not a good excuse for disappearing.

I used to enjoy writing - lately I feel like I don't have a clue how it's done.  Generally my posts feel forced and boring.  I have wanted to dig deeper, but couldn't remember how.  I used to love music.  Listening to music, finding new music, going to shows.  Recently, I have felt like I don't know where to find it, and haven't had time for it.  I used to take pride in having a tidy, warm, unique space to come home to.  Lately I've been stressed out by knowing it is messy, boring and in need of attention, but I've been too tired to figure out what it needs.  I've been blaming the whole thing on the space itself, or on being broke and not having the resources to tend to it.  The truth is, it doesn't need resources.  It just needs love.  I'm aware of it... and yet it continues to be messy and unloved.  The list goes on.  Suddenly, as of now, I'm awake... and I know I have a lot of work to do.


Teegan said...

I absolutely understand and struggle with the same things. I even began to feel a little bitter at people who had "the luxury" of being creative! It's a huge process, this learning how to be a midwife, not just as a profession, but as a person.
Thanks for sharing.

Smartypants said...

And thank YOU - it's so good to be reminded that we aren't alone in how super-hard this whole thing is!