More than a month (nearly two) since my last post... how?! Time flies when you're in extremely uncomfortable, challenging periods of growth, I guess.
This semester has differed significantly from the last. Instead of having just one preceptor, I now have two officially and spend a lot of time with several different midwives. This has its advantages and disadvantages: I've enjoyed getting to know different midwives and their unique styles of practice... however I also feel confused by the varied opinions on different circumstances since I am at a point in my learning where I need to become comfortable making management plans. For example, if one person is not worried about a baby's weight loss and another is extremely worried about the same baby's weight loss, how should I be feeling about it/managing it in a way that everyone is comfortable with?
I have started to see periods where I feel confident and capable, and in those moments I can see how far I've come. However sometime this past week or two I started to realize that the game has changed... where once I was being told what we had to do on a given day, or was being prompted along plans of management, suddenly I am dropping the ball if I am not keeping on top of every detail and bringing up my plans without prompting. It's not that I can't do it, nor that they are being unfair to me... it's just that I'm still figuring it all out. The worst part is always how hard I am on myself, and how hard I take the critiques because I hate being wrong! I don't know if it's exhaustion, or being overwhelmed... but I cried a lot this past week.
Which makes the fact I am taking two days off all the more important. Yesterday was our midterm exam, which I thought seemed to go pretty alright, especially because I just couldn't bring myself to spend as much time studying as I usually do. Only the mark will tell, but I feel like I passed which is the main thing. My evaluation with my preceptors and tutor is on Monday morning. I know I'm doing alright, but these things always make me nervous.
I've been feeling more and more homesick and ready to take on the prairies again. My midwifery contacts back home make it sound really promising for positions around the time I will graduate. The question of whether to stay or go has been on my mind lately. Only time will tell, but I think Rob and I are both feeling pretty ready to roll on out of Toronto at this point.
It took awhile, but I feel like I finally know where home is. Now that I know, having to wait before going there is excruciating! I am so glad I've developed renewed appreciation for it.