Saturday, December 19, 2009


I'm doing some reflection on friendship tonight. I've recently had a friend "break up" with me because of the belief that I disappointed and let her down beyond repair. She made this decision without any communication with me to ensure we are on the same page or that she has the right story. This person was a huge part of my community back home - a building block... family. I feel a little lost at the moment. Half of me feels tremendous guilt and sorrow for letting her down. The other half of me feels that friendship, in my mind, means communication, love, support and honesty. She has given me none of those things and I am battling some disappointment and anger of my own. It is hard for me to imagine a situation in which I would let someone as important to me as she was go without a fight. Maybe I wasn't as important to her.

My mind is going in so many directions with this. Not the least of which is wondering what effect it will have (or may have already had) on my community in Winnipeg. What will be there for me if we choose to go back? I'm not sure how to navigate a situation this icky. I feel a little too grown up for this. For the past three years I have been totally invested in working towards a career that, to me, requires maturity, intelligence, compassion and an open heart. I don't know where this kind of poison fits into all that. I also think that once I reached a certain age and place in life, I thought I was past certain things. Perhaps I am as upset as I am largely due to the element of surprise.

Are my ideas of friendship so naive? Maybe the key is to have friends who aren't too close so that you can't disappoint them? This is not the first time I've had a friend say that their expectations of me were higher than their expectations of others, and that I failed. I wonder how I manage to attract expectations so high. Anyway, I don't want to build walls - I crave close friendships. I am often envious of people who have strong connections with childhood friends, or a "group" of friends they share everything with. I know many people like this, but have only fleetingly experienced it. There are numerous depictions on television. I wish I had friends like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda to be brutally honest with me. And why don't I have friends like Rachel and Monica living across the hall? Would it help if we had a hall? Perhaps we simply moved into the wrong building.

Perhaps it's just another sign that Winnipeg is no longer "home". The contemplation of "home" is another major topic on my mind these days. Home is pretty up in the air for me these days. The lottery for our final year placement has brought this close to the surface again. I am trying not to be attached to this apartment in case we need to move again. But focusing on the pitfalls of the place - the lack of heating, the expensive utilities, the noise from the neighbours... just depresses me. No, I'm going to have to continue to let my meaning of "home" evolve, and take things one day at a time. And maybe Winnipeg can always be home in my heart regardless of friend drama.

I guess only time will tell.


Anonymous said...

Friend "break ups" are terribly traumatic. I'm sorry that you are dealing with such feelings, born in such an off the cuff manner.

Perhaps your perception of home and family is being changed by the mysterious Universe. I hope you find a group of amazing beings to be with you. I hope you find that home is in your heart.


Smartypants said...

Thank you chef... I do believe those things. I just have to figure out how to feel them. Thanks for the reminder! xo

Shell said...

Also, that person's behaviour has nothing to do with you. It is only a reflection of how she feels about herself and how she perceives her world. You are doing the best you can with all of your circumstances, and that is all anyone (including you) can expect from you. No more, no less.
She is doing the same.
You are wonderful and fantastic, and she probably is too. You just aren't wonderful and fantastic together right now.
Hope you were able to let the poisonous feelings go, it being so close to Christmas when you posted this.