I completely hit a wall sometime after the last post. I felt that my preceptor and I had conflicting personalities that just weren't going to work together, and I just... lost it. I became an anxious wreck. I couldn't stop crying and just could not see the positive in any of this anymore. In a moment of desperation I called the program director at my school and just let it all out. She somehow talked me down. I didn't think it was possible, but after discussing some communication strategies, sharing some laughs and generally just feeling supported, I hung up knowing it was all going to be alright. I didn't know how, but I knew it would.
I am working on patience, open-mindedness and gratitude. I believe these are some of the reasons I have been put in this position this year. I want to make the most of what I have been given. I don't want to quit after all this hard work. And I don't want to be miserable, either. My preceptor isn't going to change any time soon, so it lies with me and in my perception of things. I'm trying. Things are getting better.
My friend compared the placement to labour. She said I was going through transition and soon would be able to start pushing (notoriously a relief after labouring). I guess I've just started pushing... I feel like things are better than they were a week or two ago, but I am really looking forward to the birth of August.
August is looking amazing. We are planning our canoe trip to Algonquin for the early part of the month, and a short trip to Winnipeg at the end. I cannot wait.
My birth numbers are low. I brought it up at the practice meeting today and the range of responses was overwhelming. Some felt it was partly my fault for not bringing it up earlier, not telling them via email or some other method, not doing this or that. Others realized it was just unlucky. All realized that my not taking any of my time off was not the best way to deal with the situation. I have only taken one day off call this month, and the entire time I was off, I worried. My two year wedding anniversary came and went this past week while I was at clinic and, later, a birth. Nothing is sacred and nothing can have my attention except this placement. It's just hard. But if I can get my numbers up and get some time off call, I will have a chance to ground myself once in awhile.
We are fostering two of the sweetest kittens in the world. Last week we had three adoption calls for them and all three fell through. Rob and I love these guys more every day. It's hard when they stay too long... Cosmo sleeps on my pillow every night. Felix follows me every time I go into the bathroom. And, well, just look at them!